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I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.

doughishere

By doughishere
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Gregmal Grand Master

Gregmal

Posted
Posted

Got an email from Spirit Airlines today. It said:

 

"Never a better time to fly"

 

Reminded me of one of those old "wanna get away" commercials. Fun times.

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Xerxes
Xerxes

Powell !! Did someone said Colin Powell.    it is a joke folks. No need to get all worked up. 

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Jurgis Apprentice

Jurgis

Posted
Posted

Governments are always too slow to act.

Travel ban from Europe to America could have had great public health benefits.

 

It should have been enacted in 1492.

 

LC Mentor

LC

Posted
Posted

It was autumn, and the Indians on the remote reservation asked their new Chief if the winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was an Indian Chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets.

 

When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the weather was going to be. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he replied to his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared.

 

Also, being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold?"

 

"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold indeed," the meteorologist at the weather service responded. So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more wood in order to be prepared.

 

A week later, he called the National Weather Service again. "Is it going to be a very cold winter?"

 

"Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied,"it's definitely going to be a very cold winter." The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of wood they could find.

 

Two weeks later, he called the National Weather Service again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?"

 

"Absolutely," the man replied. "It's going to be one of the coldest winters ever."

 

"How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked.

 

The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting wood like crazy."

LC Mentor

LC

Posted
Posted

A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked, "Please, may I hide under your skirt. i'll explain later."

 

The nun agreed... A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, "Sister, have you seen a soldier?"

 

The nun replied, "He went that way."

 

After the MPs ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt said " I can't thank you enough, sister. You see, I don't want to go to Syria."

 

The nun said, "I understand completely."

 

The soldier added, "I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!"

 

The nun replied, "If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls.... I don't want to go to Syria either."

 

:o

Jurgis Apprentice

Jurgis

Posted
Posted

Cherry trees are blooming in Tokyo. This is such a beautiful sight that Japanese are all flocking to the parks and saying "Sakuru social distancing!"

DynamicPerception Newbie

DynamicPerception

Posted
Posted

An old Doberman starts chasing rabbits and before long,

discovers that he's lost.

Wandering about, he notices a panther heading rapidly in

his direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old Doberman thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep shit now!"

Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately

settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the

approaching cat.

Just as the panther is about to leap, the old Doberman

exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious panther!

I wonder, if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in

mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks

away into the trees.

"Whew!," says the panther, "That was close! That old

Doberman nearly had me!"

 

Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole

scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this

knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the

panther. So, off he goes. The squirrel soon catches up with

the panther, spills the beans and strikes a deal for

himself with the panther.

 

The young panther is furious at being made a fool of and

says, "Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what's going

to happen to that conniving canine!"

 

Now, the old Doberman sees the panther coming with the

squirrel on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do

now?," but instead of running, the dog sits down with his

back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet,

and just when they get close enough to hear, the old

Doberman says .......

"Where's that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to

bring me another panther!"

 

Moral of this story,

Don't mess with the old dogs!

LC Mentor

LC

Posted
Posted

My girlfriend left me because I am insecure.

 

 

...

 

 

 

...

 

 

No wait she's back, she just went to get coffee.

LC Mentor

LC

Posted
Posted

A 60-year old millionaire marries a 25-year old hot girl.

 

After honeymoon they throw a party celebrating their marriage...

 

After a few drinks, the millionaire's friends want to know the secret of how he landed 25 yo hottie...

 

"It's simple" the millionaire boasts... "I faked my age"

 

"Yes, but even for a 40/45 years old guy...she is sensational, what age btw did you tell you are?" A friend asks.

 

With a smile on his lips billionaire responds "85 years old"  8)

Xerxes Grand Master

Xerxes

Posted
Posted

I guess my stupidly belongs to the category of jokes.

Might as well drop it here.

 

Bought BAC at round $15, about 5 years ago, enjoyed the dividend increases from nothing to what it became. Ride it all the way up to $35 and all the way down to $19 when I sold it this morning. 

LC Mentor

LC

Posted
Posted

I guess my stupidly belongs to the category of jokes.

Might as well drop it here.

 

Bought BAC at round $15, about 5 years ago, enjoyed the dividend increases from nothing to what it became. Ride it all the way up to $35 and all the way down to $19 when I sold it this morning.

 

Don't sweat it, I sold around 23? And thinking of buying back in. At least you got dividends.  ;D

 

Here's another one:

 

In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a woman who was waiting for a bus was wearing a tight leather skirt. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.

 

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn't.

 

So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more. For the second time she attempted the step, and once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to make the step.

 

About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus. She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and screeched, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!' The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we are friends."

 

 

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