Jump to content

I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.


doughishere
 Share

Recommended Posts

Ill start.

 

 

A man is sent to prison for the first time. At night, the lights in the cell block are turned off, and his cellmate goes over to the bars and yells, “Number twelve!” The whole cell block breaks out laughing. A few minutes later, somebody else in the cell block yells, “Number four!” Again, the whole cell bloock breaks out laughing.

 

The new guy asks his cellmate what’s going on. “Well,” says the older prisoner, “we’ve all been in this here prison for so long, we all know the same jokes. So we just yell out the number instead of saying the whole joke.”

 

So the new guy walks up to the bars and yells, “Number six!” There was dead silence in the cell block. He asks the older prisoner, “What’s wrong? Why didn’t I get any laughs?”

 

“Well,” said the older man, “sometimes it’s not the joke, but how you tell it.”

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Replies 535
  • Created
  • Last Reply

Top Posters In This Topic

A little joke about the difference between Israelis (Jews) and Germans.

 

So an Israeli guy is driving on the Freeway in Germany, and he misses his exit. The solution here is obviously going into reverse, so he backs up and a old german guy bumps into him, gets out of the car screaming in German, then calls the police. The police go talk to the old German guy, and after a few minutes they come to the Israeli guy, signaling he can go.

 

Wait, said the Israeli guy, what's going on? Forget about it, said the policeman, the old guy has gone completely crazy, he thought you were backing up on the freeway :)

Link to comment
Share on other sites

A little joke about the difference between Israelis (Jews) and Germans.

 

So an Israeli guy is driving on the Freeway in Germany, and he misses his exit. The solution here is obviously going into reverse, so he backs up and a old german guy bumps into him, gets out of the car screaming in German, then calls the police. The police go talk to the old German guy, and after a few minutes they come to the Israeli guy, signaling he can go.

 

Wait, said the Israeli guy, what's going on? Forget about it, said the policeman, the old guy has gone completely crazy, he thought you were backing up on the freeway :)

 

Silly Germans.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

An engineer, a physicist, and an economist find themselves shipwrecked on a desert island with nothing to eat but a can of beans. How to get at the beans? The engineer proposes breaking the can open on a rock. The physicist suggests heating the can in the sun until it bursts. The economist’s approach: “First, assume we have a can opener…”

Link to comment
Share on other sites

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a

particularly slow group of golfers ahead.

 

The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting

for 15 minutes!"

 

The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!"

 

The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let's have a word

with him."

 

[dramatic pause]

 

"Hi George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather

slow, aren't they?"

 

George, the greenskeeper, replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind

firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire

last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."

 

The group was silent for a moment. The pastor said, "That's so sad. I

think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."

 

The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my

ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them."

 

The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

An engineer dies and he goes to the gates of heaven. St. Peter can’t find his name on the list and tells him he has to go down to Hell. Satan is thrilled to have an engineer enter Hell. The engineer finds Hell to be unbearable, so he starts to make improvements. He adds air-conditioning, cold running water, and many other amenities. Word of these improvements down in Hell gets back to God, so God gives Satan a call. God is not very happy and tells Satan that the rules clearly state no engineers in Hell and Satan needs to send the engineer back up to Heaven right away. Satan refuses, so God tells Satan he is going to sue. Satan responds, “Where are you going to find a lawyer?”

Link to comment
Share on other sites

An engineer, a physicist, and an economist find themselves shipwrecked on a desert island with nothing to eat but a can of beans. How to get at the beans? The engineer proposes breaking the can open on a rock. The physicist suggests heating the can in the sun until it bursts. The economist’s approach: “First, assume we have a can opener…”

 

+1

Link to comment
Share on other sites

An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.

He finds his  way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels .

After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender,

  'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,

  'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair,

  Given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

  1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

  2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.

  3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black

      belt in karate.

  4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional

      weight lifter.

  5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

  Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy. Do you still wanna tell that

  blonde joke?'

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters,

  'No ... not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'

Link to comment
Share on other sites

A little joke about the difference between Israelis (Jews) and Germans.

 

So an Israeli guy is driving on the Freeway in Germany, and he misses his exit. The solution here is obviously going into reverse, so he backs up and a old german guy bumps into him, gets out of the car screaming in German, then calls the police. The police go talk to the old German guy, and after a few minutes they come to the Israeli guy, signaling he can go.

 

Wait, said the Israeli guy, what's going on? Forget about it, said the policeman, the old guy has gone completely crazy, he thought you were backing up on the freeway :)

 

Silly Germans.

 

I know someone who did precisely that. Missed exit on the freeway so backed up and took the exit.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I know someone who did precisely that. Missed exit on the freeway so backed up and took the exit.

 

A person I know did this and was stopped for it. Apparently, this is not even a ticket - it's misdemeanor. Or maybe the cop was just trying to scare them. YMMV. Possibly considered https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Reckless_driving ( may depend on the state ).

 

Well thats no fun...i need to get to work.

 

(2) knowingly drives a vehicle and uses an incline in a roadway, such as a railroad crossing, bridge approach, or hill, to cause the vehicle to become airborne.

 

 

Class A misdemeanor in Illinois. So, about the same as aggravated assault.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

A blonde and a redhead went to the bar after work for a drink, and sat on stools watching the 6 O'clock news. A man was shown threatening to jump from the Brooklyn Bridge, and the blonde bet the redhead $50 that he wouldn't jump.

Sure enough, he jumped, so the blonde gave the redhead $50. The redhead said,

 

"I can't take this, you're my friend."

But the blonde insisted saying,

"No. A bet's a bet."

 

Then the redhead said

 

"Listen, I have to tell you that I saw this on the 5 O'clock news, so I can't take your money."

 

The blonde replied

 

"Well, so did I, but I didn't think he would jump again!"

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

In Holland we like to make fun of Belgians instead of blondes (even though they play soccer currently and we don't). Here are a couple of terrible jokes. I hope they aren't lost in translation.

 

A Belgian, German and Dutchie are caught smuggling drugs into North Korea. Sentence: death by firing squad. On the first day the German smuggler is placed before the firing squad. He yells: "Watch out, tornado!". The firing squad runs for cover and he manages to escape. A few days later the Dutch smuggler is placed before the firing squad. He yells: "Tsunami!". The firing squad flees into their bunker and the Dutchie manages to escape. The next day the Belgian has to appear before the firing squad. "Wait a second, I think I can do that too", he thinks, and then yells "Fire!".

 

A Belgian guy calls the Guinness book of records office and says: "Listen, I think I should be in your book. I just solved a very difficult puzzle. Thousand pieces and it took me only three weeks.". The guy on the line asks him incredulously: "Why on earth do you think that is so special?". "Well", the Belgian replies, "The box said 6 to 9 years".

 

Three Belgians ride a car through the red light district. The driver sees a nice girl and asks her: "how much?". She replies: "50 euro, or 100 in the rear". The Belgian guy in the back seat opens his window and says: "hey, why do I have to pay double!".

 

A Belgian, German and Dutch guy are at a magical swimming pool. As you jump in you can say something and the swimming pool will be filled accordingly. First, the German guy jump of the spring board and says "Girls!". He jumps into a pool filled with girls, marries one of them and lives happily ever after. Then the Dutch guy jumps and says "Money!". The pool is filled with banknotes and the Dutchie goes home a rich man. Finally the Belgian guy climbs on the spring board, takes a few steps, trips over his own legs, stumbles and says: "Oh shit".

Link to comment
Share on other sites

A blonde and a redhead went to the bar after work for a drink, and sat on stools watching the 6 O'clock news. A man was shown threatening to jump from the Brooklyn Bridge, and the blonde bet the redhead $50 that he wouldn't jump.

Sure enough, he jumped, so the blonde gave the redhead $50. The redhead said,

 

"I can't take this, you're my friend."

But the blonde insisted saying,

"No. A bet's a bet."

 

Then the redhead said

 

"Listen, I have to tell you that I saw this on the 5 O'clock news, so I can't take your money."

 

The blonde replied

 

"Well, so did I, but I didn't think he would jump again!"

 

Zing!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

In Holland we like to make fun of Belgians instead of blondes (even though they play soccer currently and we don't). Here are a couple of terrible jokes. I hope they aren't lost in translation.

 

A Belgian, German and Dutchie are caught smuggling drugs into North Korea. Sentence: death by firing squad. On the first day the German smuggler is placed before the firing squad. He yells: "Watch out, tornado!". The firing squad runs for cover and he manages to escape. A few days later the Dutch smuggler is placed before the firing squad. He yells: "Tsunami!". The firing squad flees into their bunker and the Dutchie manages to escape. The next day the Belgian has to appear before the firing squad. "Wait a second, I think I can do that too", he thinks, and then yells "Fire!".

 

A Belgian guy calls the Guinness book of records office and says: "Listen, I think I should be in your book. I just solved a very difficult puzzle. Thousand pieces and it took me only three weeks.". The guy on the line asks him incredulously: "Why on earth do you think that is so special?". "Well", the Belgian replies, "The box said 6 to 9 years".

 

Three Belgians ride a car through the red light district. The driver sees a nice girl and asks her: "how much?". She replies: "50 euro, or 100 in the rear". The Belgian guy in the back seat opens his window and says: "hey, why do I have to pay double!".

 

A Belgian, German and Dutch guy are at a magical swimming pool. As you jump in you can say something and the swimming pool will be filled accordingly. First, the German guy jump of the spring board and says "Girls!". He jumps into a pool filled with girls, marries one of them and lives happily ever after. Then the Dutch guy jumps and says "Money!". The pool is filled with banknotes and the Dutchie goes home a rich man. Finally the Belgian guy climbs on the spring board, takes a few steps, trips over his own legs, stumbles and says: "Oh shit".

 

Belgian guys just dont have any luck.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Little Johnny comes in from playing outside and asks his mom, “What is it called when someone sleeps on top of someone else?” Johnny’s mom, wanting to be honest with her son, tells her son, “Johnny, that is called sexual intercourse.” Johnny runs back out to play. About 15 minutes later he comes back in and says, “Mommy, you were wrong. It is called bunk beds. And Mary’s mom wants to talk to you.”

Link to comment
Share on other sites

An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him

and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."

 

He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.

 

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back

into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week." The

engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned

it to the pocket.

 

The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a

princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want."

 

Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back

into his pocket.

 

Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a

beautiful princess, I'll stay with you for a week, and do anything you

want. Why won't you kiss me?" The engineer said, "Look I'm an

engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now

that's cool!"

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

writser, funny stuff!

 

This is the actual radio conversation of a

US naval ship with Canadian authorities off

the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995.

Radio conversation released by the chief of

naval operations, 10-10-95.

 

CANADIANS: Please divert your course 15 degrees

          to the south to avoid a collision.

AMERICANS: Recommend you divert your course 15

          degrees to the north to avoid a collision.

CANADIANS: Negative. You will have to divert your

          course 15 degrees to the south to avoid

          a collision.

AMERICANS: This is the captain of a US Navy ship.

          I say again, divert YOUR course.

CANADIANS: No, I say again, you divert YOUR course.

AMERICANS: This is the Aircraft Carrier US LINCOLN,

          the second largest ship in the United

          States Atlantic Fleet. We are accompanied

          with three Destroyers, three Cruisers and

          numerous support vessels. I DEMAND that

          you change your course 15 degrees north.

          I say again, that's one-five degrees north,

          or counter-measures will be undertaken to

          ensure the safety of this ship.

CANADIANS: This is a lighthouse. Your call.

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

writser, funny stuff!

 

This is the actual radio conversation of a

US naval ship with Canadian authorities off

the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995.

Radio conversation released by the chief of

naval operations, 10-10-95.

 

CANADIANS: Please divert your course 15 degrees

          to the south to avoid a collision.

AMERICANS: Recommend you divert your course 15

          degrees to the north to avoid a collision.

CANADIANS: Negative. You will have to divert your

          course 15 degrees to the south to avoid

          a collision.

AMERICANS: This is the captain of a US Navy ship.

          I say again, divert YOUR course.

CANADIANS: No, I say again, you divert YOUR course.

AMERICANS: This is the Aircraft Carrier US LINCOLN,

          the second largest ship in the United

          States Atlantic Fleet. We are accompanied

          with three Destroyers, three Cruisers and

          numerous support vessels. I DEMAND that

          you change your course 15 degrees north.

          I say again, that's one-five degrees north,

          or counter-measures will be undertaken to

          ensure the safety of this ship.

CANADIANS: This is a lighthouse. Your call.

 

 

Haha! Radio Conversation with an SR71. http://oppositelock.kinja.com/favorite-sr-71-story-1079127041

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Four United States Presidents get caught up in a tornado ... and off they are whirled to the land of Oz.

 

They finally make it to the Emerald City and went to find the Great Wizard.

 

What brings the 4 of you before the great Wizard of Oz?

 

Jimmy Carter stepped forward timidly and said, “I've come for some courage.”

 

“No Problem!” said the Wizard, ”Who's next?”

 

Richard Nixon stepped forward, “Well, I think I need a heart.”

 

“Done!” says the Wizard.

 

“Who comes next before the Great and Powerful Oz?”

 

Up stepped George Bush and said, “I'm told by the American people that I need a brain.”

 

“No problem!” said the Wizard. “Consider it done.”

 

Then there was a great silence in the hall. Bill Clinton is just standing there, looking around, but he doesn't say a word.

 

Irritated, the Wizard finally asks, “Well, what do you want?”

 

“Is Dorothy here?”

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
 Share




×
×
  • Create New...