DynamicPerception

Mrs. Ravioli visits her son Anthony for dinner. Anthony lives with a female roommate, Maria. During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty Anthony's roommate is: Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Anthony and his roommate than met the eye. Reading his Mama's thoughts, Anthony volunteered: "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Mama, Maria and I are just roommates.'' About a week later, Maria came to Anthony saying: "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver sugar bowl. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" Anthony replied: "Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure." So, he sat down and wrote an email: Dear Mama, I'm not saying that you "did" take the sugar bowl from my house; I'm not saying that you "did not" take it. But the fact remains that it has been missing, ever since you were here for dinner. Your Loving Son, Anthony. Several days later, Anthony received a response email from his Mama which read: Dear Son, I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Maria, and I'm not saying that you "do not" sleep with her. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the sugar bowl by now. Your Loving Mama.

This happened yesterday and is important information for the older age group. A friend had his 2nd dose of the vaccine at the vaccination center after which he began to have blurred vision on the way home. When he got home, he called the vaccination center for advice and to ask if he should go see a doctor, or be hospitalized. He was told NOT to go to a doctor or a hospital, but just return to the vaccination center immediately and pick up his glasses!!

Why Parents Drink.... The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employee's' home phone number, and was greeted with a child's whisper. "Hello." "Is your daddy home?" he asked. "Yes," whispered the small voice. "May I talk with him?" The child whispered, "No." Surprised, and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?" "Yes." "May I talk with her?" Again the small voice whispered, "No." Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is anybody else there?" "Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman." Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?" "No, he's busy", whispered the child. "Busy doing what?" "Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman," came the whispered answer. Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the earpiece on the phone the boss asked, "What is that noise?" “A hello-copper” answered the whispering voice. "What is going on there?" asked the boss, now truly alarmed. In an awed whispering voice the child answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper." Alarmed, concerned, and even more then just a little frustrated the Boss asked, "What are they searching for?" Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle: "ME."

Who needs excuses? It was mealtime during a flight on a British Airways plane: "Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked the man seated in the front row. "What are my choices?" the man asked. "Yes or no," she replied. A lady was picking through the frozen Chickens at a Tesco store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a passing assistant, "Do these Chickens get any bigger?" The assistant replied, "I'm afraid not, they're dead." The policeman got out of his car and the teenager he stopped for speeding rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the Cop said. The kid replied, "Well I got here as fast as I could." A truck driver was driving along on a country road. A sign came up that read " Low Bridge Ahead." Before he realised it, the bridge was directly ahead and he got stuck under it. Cars were backed up for miles. Finally, a police car arrived. The policeman got out of his car and walked to the truck's cab and said to the driver, "Got stuck, eh?" The truck driver said, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of diesel!"

Where Are Your Glasses? Yesterday my daughter e-mailed me again, asking why I didn't do something useful with my time. “Like sitting around the pool and drinking wine is not a good thing …”, I said. Talking about my "doing-something-useful" seems to be her favorite topic of conversation. She was "only thinking of me" she said and suggested I go down to the Senior Center and hang out with the guys. I did this and when I got home last night, I decided to have some fun with her. I e-mailed her and told her that I had joined a Parachute Club. She replied, "Are you nuts? You are 73 years old and now you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?" I told her that I even got a Membership Card and e-mailed a copy to her. She immediately telephoned me, "Good grief, where are your glasses! This is a Membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club." "Oh man, I'm in trouble again; I really don't know what to do … I signed up for five jumps a week!!" The line went quiet and her friend picked up the phone and said that my daughter had fainted. Life as a Senior Citizen is not getting any easier, but sometimes it can be fun.

WHAT CAUSES ARTHRITIS? A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Say Father, what causes arthritis?" The priest replies, "My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath." The drunk muttered in response, "Well, I'll be damned." then returned to his paper. The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?" The drunk answered, "I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."

These will make you groan a little. 1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love, and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent. 2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything." 3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was assaulted. 4. A dyslexic man walked into a bra. 5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says: "A beer please, and one for the road." 6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?" 7. "Doc, I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home. "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome. "Is it common? "Well, It's Not Unusual." 8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning. "I don't believe you," says Dolly. "It's true; no bull!" exclaims Daisy. 9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either. 10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before. 11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't find any. 12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted,"Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know, I amputated your arms!" 13. I went to a seafood disco last week.... and pulled a mussel. 14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh. 15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says, "Dam!" 16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Not surprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too. 17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why," they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said. "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer." 18. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt, and is named 'Ahmal.' The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him 'Juan'. Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal." 19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him.... a super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis. 20. A dwarf, who was a mystic, escaped from jail. The call went out that there was, a small medium at large.

These are good examples of unclear writing. Sentences were taken from actual letters received by the Welfare Department in applications for financial assistance. 1) I am forwarding my marriage certificate and six children. I have seven, but one died, which was baptized on a half sheet of paper. 2) I am writing the Wefare Department to say that my baby was born two years old. When do I get my money? 3) Mrs. jones has not had any clothes for a year, and has been visited regularly by the preacher. 4) I cannot get sick pay. I have six children. Can you tell me why? 5) I am glad to report that my husband who is missing is dead. 6) This is my eigth child. What are you going to do about it? 7) Please find out for certain if my husband is dead. The man I was living with can't eat or do anything until he knows. 8) I am very much annoyed to find you have branded my son "illiterate". This is a lie, as I was married two weeks before he was born. 9) In answer to your letter, I have given birth to a boy weighing 10 pounds. I hope this is satisfactory. 10) I am forwarding my marriage certificate and three children, one of which is a mistake as you can see. 11) My husband got his project cut off two weeks ago, and I haven't had any relief since. 12) Unless I get my husband's money pretty soon, I'll be forced to lead an immoral life. 13) You have changed my little boy to a girl. Will this make any difference? 14) I have no children yet as my husband is a truck driver and works day and night. 15) In accordance with your instructions, I have given birth to twins, in the enclosed envelope. 16) I want money as quickly as I can get it. I have been in bed with the same doctor for two weeks, and it doesn't do any good. If things don't improve soon, please send for another doctor to help him.

Charley, a new retiree-greeter at Wal-Mart, just couldn't seem to get to work on time. Every day he was 5, 10, 15 minutes late. But he was a good worker, really tidy, clean-shaven, sharp minded and a real credit to the company and obviously demonstrating their "Older Person Friendly" policies. One day the boss called him into the office for a talk. "Charley, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do a bang up job, but your being late so often is quite bothersome." "Yes, I know boss, and I am working on it." "Well good, you are a team player. That's what I like to hear. It's odd though your coming in late. I know you're retired from the Armed Forces. What did they say if you came in late there?" "They said, 'Good morning, Admiral, can I get you coffee, sir?'".

Wal-Mart announced that sometime in 2021 it will begin offering customers a new discount item: Wal-Mart's own brand of wine. The world's largest retail chain is teaming up with Ernest & Julio Gallo Winery of California to produce the wines at affordable prices in the $2 to $5 range. Wine connoisseurs may not be inclined to put a bottle of the Wal-Mart brand into their shopping carts but, 'There is a market for inexpensive wine,' said Kathy Micken, professor of marketing at University of Arkansas, Bentonville. 'However, branding will be very important.' Customer surveys were conducted to determine the most attractive name for the Wal-Mart wine brands and varieties. The top surveyed names in order of popularity were: 10. Chateau Traileur Parc 9. White Trashfindel 8. Big Red Gulp 7. World Championship Riesling 6. NASCARbernet 5. Chef Boyardeaux 4. Peanut Noir 3. I Can't Believe it's not Vinegar 2. Grape Expectations 1. Nasti Spumante The beauty of Wal-Mart wine is that it can be served with either white meat (Possum) or red meat (Squirrel). P.S. Don't bother writing back to tell me that this is a hoax. I know Squirrel is not a red meat.

Dear Vincent, I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me. Love Dad. A few days later he received a letter from his son. Dear Dad, Not for nothing, but don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried the BODIES. Love Vinnie. At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son. Dear Dad, Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances. Love Vinnie.

This Could Be You Some Day A couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember. Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair, 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks. 'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?' 'Sure.' 'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks. 'No, I can remember it..' 'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?' He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.' 'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks. Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!' Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment. 'Where's my toast ?' An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great.. I would recommend it very highly.' The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?' The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know.... The one that's red and has thorns.' 'Do you mean a rose?' 'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?' A little old manshuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split. The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?' 'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'

HOW TO START A FIGHT One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift. The next year, I didn't buy her a gift. When she asked me why, I replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!" And that's how the fight started. My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have sex?' 'No,' she answered. I then said, 'Is that your final answer?' She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes.' So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend." And that's when the fight started. I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. "I'll have the rump steak, rare, please." He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?" "Nah, she can order for herself." And that's when the fight started. My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table. I asked her, "Do you know him?" "Yes", she sighed, "He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since." "My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?" And that's when the fight started. When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first; the shed, the boat, making beer. Always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again, I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway." And that's when the fight started. My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, "What's on TV?" I said, "Dust." And that's when the fight started. My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 165 in about 2 seconds." I bought her a bathroom scale. And that's when the fight started. My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to me, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.' I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect." And that's when the fight started. I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day! The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!! He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!' So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?' And that's how the fight started.

Now that the NFL season has started, The day of the Super Bowl Gus comes rushing home, runs in the front door, passes his wife and doesn't say Hello or anything, jumps into his EZBOY, turns on the TV, and then yells at his wife to bring him a cold beer before it starts. She is a little perturbed at this but figures what the heck, it is the Super Bowl so she gets a cold beer from the refrigerator pops the cap and gives it to him. A few minutes later he yells out again "bring me another cold beer quick before it starts". This really irritates her but she contains herself and hands him his beer and goes back to the kitchen. No more than 5 minutes later he calls out again, "bring me another cold beer before it starts". This time she's really pissed off and yells back at him, "you inconsiderate bastard, you ran right passed me never said hello or anything, etc. etc.". Gus yells out, "Ah, there its started!".

A fun email circulating trading desks n 2008Oct, worthwhile as an informal measure of sentiment: CEO -- Chief Embezzlement Officer. CFO -- Corporate Fraud Officer. BULL MARKET -- A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius. BEAR MARKET -- A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex. VALUE INVESTING -- The art of buying low and selling lower. P/E RATIO -- The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing. BROKER -- What my broker has made me. STANDARD & POOR -- Your life in a nutshell. STOCK ANALYST -- Idiot who just downgraded your stock. STOCK SPLIT -- When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves. FINANCIAL PLANNER -- A guy whose phone has been disconnected. MARKET CORRECTION -- The day after you buy stocks. CASH FLOW -- The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet. YAHOO -- What you yell after selling your stock to some poor sucker for $240 per share. WINDOWS -- What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo @ $240 per share. INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR -- Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse. PROFIT -- An archaic word no longer in use.