OT - Sleep training a baby

[Guest]

Okay guys, I'm losing my mind. We have a 16 month old and she still isn't sleeping through the night. My wife is really against "crying it out" so we cosleep with her...every night - mostly me since she has a demanding job. My other 2 both started sleeping through the night at 9 months and I figured this one would too but I was very, very wrong. I keep hoping that it will "just happen" but I'm losing hope. I've talked to 2 people and they one said 2 years for his son and the other said 3 years for her child.

 

Anyone have any guidance on how to not lose my mind? I know there are some courses you can buy. Anyone have any experience with those or tips for a sleepless dad? Any help is very (very!) much appreciated. 

 

 

[Gregmal]

Do you have a job that requires you to be somewhere for specific hours?

[Longtermlens]

Yes. Call these guys. 30 minute consult changed our lives. 18 month old now loves to sleep and sleeps from 7am - 7pm no issues. 
 

https://www.sleepbabyconsulting.com/meet-the-team

[Guest]

4 minutes ago, Gregmal said:

Do you have a job that requires you to be somewhere for specific hours?

 

Nope. I can pretty much do whatever that needs to be done. 

Edited August 21, 2023 by stahleyp

[Guest]

Just now, Longtermlens said:

Yes. Call these guys. 30 minute consult changed our lives. 18 month old now loves to sleep and sleeps from 7am - 7pm no issues. 
 

https://www.sleepbabyconsulting.com/meet-the-team

 

Oh man, thanks! I'm going to reach out! 

[Gregmal]

8 minutes ago, stahleyp said:

 

Nope. I can pretty much do whatever that needs to be done. 

Catnaps. Adderall to stay awake and shift your productivity hours to early morning stuff. Coordination with wife on shifts lol. Been there. Done that. Totally doable if you don’t have to report to a cubicle from 9-5. 

[Spekulatius]

I don’t necessarily know the solution in your case (differs from kid to kid and family) but cosleeping is a big mistake. Our son got to sleep on his own when he was 8 month old and you got to tough it out. In our case, establishing a ritual before going to sleep helped. Of course there are these 2Am wake-up calls but they tend to get less and less frequently. Then again, every kid is different.

Edited August 21, 2023 by Spekulatius

[tede02]

My now 4 year old was challenging. My wife and I ultimately started sleeping in separate rooms so the baby could sleep in the bed with her. I give my wife a lot of credit. She did a lot of reading to figure out the best approach. And her conclusion was allowing babies to "cry it out" was psychological torment. She explained it to me that a baby's brain can't reason. They're crying for any of many reasons. They need something even if it's just security. One author also pointed out that until very recently in human history, babies/kids would sleep with their parents for a long time (and probably still do in certain parts of the world). That resonated with me. 

[spartansaver]

We had success with a program "Taking Cara Babies." Our now 10 month old has been sleeping 7-6:30 since 5 months or so. The biggest thing was letting her cry a little bit those first few times to let them put themselves to sleep. I think the program maxes the crying to 7 minutes then you sooth and start over. I felt it was some of the best money we've spent. Feels like the secret is to get out of the way and the baby will figure it out. 

[tede02]

I should expand on my comment. My wife would always start with the baby in the crib. Similar to what spartansaver said, if the baby cried, at some point she would make a judgement call and let the baby sleep in bed if diaper was clean, baby wasn't hungry, etc. Now with a 4 and 6 year old, I fully agree that a regular routine is key. 

[sleepydragon]

1 hour ago, stahleyp said:

Okay guys, I'm losing my mind. We have a 16 month old and she still isn't sleeping through the night. My wife is really against "crying it out" so we cosleep with her...every night - mostly me since she has a demanding job. My other 2 both started sleeping through the night at 9 months and I figured this one would too but I was very, very wrong. I keep hoping that it will "just happen" but I'm losing hope. I've talked to 2 people and they one said 2 years for his son and the other said 3 years for her child.

 

Anyone have any guidance on how to not lose my mind? I know there are some courses you can buy. Anyone have any experience with those or tips for a sleepless dad? Any help is very (very!) much appreciated. 

 

 

16 month might be too old to sleep training without hurting the baby psychologically. I forgot the right times.. you can google it.  

My wife co-slept with my daughter until I don't remember when, maybe 2 years old. 

maybe you two should try to co-sleeps in turns. that way at least one of you get some sleeps.

 

we used sleep training consultants too. didn't work. Their jobs is basically stop you from interfere while the baby cried for hours.

 

we eventually decided that sleep training is not natural. Babies are supposed to with mom all the time.. Eventually when the baby is older and can talk, she will be able to understand and only then you can sleep train her. Don't force it. I know someone who slept trained his kids and somehow the kids have speech development problem now.

 

[hasilp89]

https://takingcarababies.com
 

Used this for both kids (3 & 1.5). (Reordered and rewatched for the second one). Both started sleeping through the night in < 3 months. Was also helpful when they had regressions.

[Spekulatius]

The method for sleep training is well established. Once you put them in the crib , they stay in the crib. Exception is when the diapers are wet (smell test). You check on them in Intervalls  and if they cry for a long time. However, they stay in the crib, except the rare diaper change.

This works, but the first couple of nights can be rough. After a few nights, the sleeping habits should improve.

 

We started when our son was 4 month old .

[E. Nashton]

Oh man I don't have much to add other than sympathy as we are currently beginning/attempting to sleep train our little one (6 months). The method my wife has chosen is the Ferber method where we check in on the little guy in intervals if he is fussing to let him know we are near by. Some nights are better than others but basically I wish you good luck from one exhausted dad to another.

 

Btw some of my friends swear by hiring a sleep consultant......

[Castanza]

I’ve got a 3 week old son. First two weeks were brutal sleep wise. Seems to be getting better. But damn you guys weren’t lying. I hear it gets better at 8-10? 
 

 

[E. Nashton]

@Castanza first time dad here with a 6 month old.

 

Yep first two weeks were brutal until we settled on a "shift" routine that worked for us.

 

It does get "easier" but not easy. And it's funny how only after having a baby did people start telling me that there are regressions and leap periods that change up the baby's routines/habits and fussiness. Would have been nice to be given the heads-up beforehand

Edited August 22, 2023 by Dean

[lnofeisone]

We have a 2 year old and my wife is absolutely against sleep training. We've had maybe 1 or 2 full nights of sleep for the little one. He's currently started doing 4am wake ups and wanting to play with his toys for an hour and then go back to bed. Not a great situation because 4-6am is when I get to peloton and get myself oriented for the day. It's not great. Hang in there @stahleyp!

[RichardGibbons]

To not lose your mind with a baby who wants to co-sleep, I think the strategy is to remember the goal.  In my opinion, the goal isn't to figure out a way to make the baby sleep. It's to raise a well-adjusted, robust kid.

 

One thing that makes kids cry is anxiety.  Essentially, the kid is telling you that they are worried, and are unable to regulate their emotions on their own. If you go with "cry it out" strategies, I think you're effectively communicating to your kid that you aren't a reliable caregiver. You're communicating that you can't be depended on for protection and support when they need it. And they're learning that at a deep level.

On the other hand, if you do provide support when they tell you they need it, you are teaching them how to regulate their emotions and that you can be trusted to be there when they need you. They will be more comfortable exploring the world independently, because they know in their soul that if they run into something scary, you'll be there to help them.

 

The outcomes of this strategy tend to be kids and adults with higher self esteem, resilience, affection, and life satisfaction.

 

So, I'd suggest focusing on the outcome. Kids need attachment to parents, and, though it's quite annoying, by giving your child the attachment they need, you're increasing the odds they'll be happier in life. You'd likely take a bullet for your kid, so you should take solace that, to help them get better outcomes, you just need to suffer for a few more months.

 

(Yeah, I know--taking a bullet is easier because it's over quickly, while lack of sleep is an ongoing grind that seems never ending.  But I think it's worth it. And it will end.)

 

[crs223]

4 hours ago, stahleyp said:

Okay guys, I'm losing my mind. We have a 16 month old and she still isn't sleeping through the night. My wife is really against "crying it out" so we cosleep with her...every night - mostly me since she has a demanding job. My other 2 both started sleeping through the night at 9 months and I figured this one would too but I was very, very wrong. I keep hoping that it will "just happen" but I'm losing hope. I've talked to 2 people and they one said 2 years for his son and the other said 3 years for her child.

 

Anyone have any guidance on how to not lose my mind? I know there are some courses you can buy. Anyone have any experience with those or tips for a sleepless dad? Any help is very (very!) much appreciated. 

 

 

 

Good thing you’re getting help.  If you don't take action, you will be sleeping with her until third grade.

 

I’m scared that it’s your wife who is against the crying, but it’s you who bears the burden.  Good luck!

[Blugolds11]

12 minutes ago, Dean said:

@Castanza first time dad here with a 6 month old.

 

Yep first two weeks were brutal until we settled on a "shift" routine that worked for us.

 

It does get "easier" but not easy. And it's funny how only after having a baby did people start telling me that there are regressions and leap periods that change up the baby's routines/habits and fussiness. Would have been nice to be given the heads-up beforehand

 

Haha, THIS. Had no idea...

 

Sympathy to all you fellas...imagine having TWO. We have 4mo old twin boys...one sets off, wakes the other, and he sets off. Basically the equivalent of having two smoke detectors going off, its I N S A N E. 

 

Overly tired, they lose their shyt, but dont want to sleep. We have been breast feeding thus far, but with her going back to work, we're attempting to bottle feed a couple times a day (allowing her to work from home and the Au Pair feed while she works). Well, evidently switching from breast/bottle can be a "challenge", so on top of exhausted but wont sleep, they're starving but wont eat!! So we're struggling with that "adjustment" as well. 

 

Had no idea about any of this stuff. Honestly makes me wonder how in the world anybody decides to go through this stuff multiple times! Keep telling myself if I can just make it through the sleeping, the feeding, the teething, the toilet training, terrible twos etc and make it till they're 4-5 yrs old, I might actually pull this off LOL. Between us guys, I'd be lying if I didnt ask myself a couple times...what did I get myself into!?! LOL Hopefully thats normal.....

 

Actually helpful to hear that others have similar challenges, so thanks 

[beerbaron]

Slowly increasing crying it out from 3 to 10 minutes worked for both of our kids. I remember a few times where I had to take our kid with me downstairs so my wife would not freak out over a crying baby for 10 minutes. I just visited a village that reproduced the living conditions of 1880s. A household would have 14 kids, the kids would sleep 4 per single sized bed, the smaller twos at each end and the taller ones in the middle. Anybody that tells you letting a kid cry out is bad for their mental health needs to take a step back trough evolution, birds throw their babies out of the nest and, for thousands of years, human kids were neglected based on today's standard. There will be plenty of time to reinforce their self esteem later, but, it will be pointless if their parents lose their mind. It might be worthwhile to rent a hotel for the night so that the wife sleeps without hearing the baby.

 

Being a parent is a scam, everybody tells you how wonderful it is, but as soon as the first one pops-up they are laughing at your lack of preparedness. To sum up what one of my relative told me. "Do your best and f*** the rest". I love my kids, it gets easier but the road is long and painfull. Be prepared for 20+ years and make sure you don't screw it up at the end, this is when it pays dividends.

 

BeerBaron

[Castanza]

Haha yeah it’s been awesome so far and wouldn’t trade it for the world sleep or no sleep. I think a mindset of “go with the flow” has been helpful in the early stages. Definitely no schedule or routine, other than “sleep when they sleep” and the responsibility load you share with your significant other. Have to say it’s likely been 1000x better having a wife who is a NICU nurse and knows how to handle babies and what to expect and what to watch out for. So all in all I can’t conplain

 

@Dean Pretty much sums it up lol

 

[hasilp89]

9 hours ago, Blugolds11 said:

LOL Hopefully thats normal.....

Def normal. We started trying for #2 before #1 started tantrums. The only way, otherwise would have prob called it. I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about next phase ‘ it’ll get better.’ I’ve found that isnt a good way for me to live. I’m a neat freak, like order, have my own anxiety issues so the unexpected that pops at the young ages can throw my whole day off. I’ve learnt ways to cope primarily by being present and just enjoying it. I can work a bit harder when they’re 10 and they don’t wanna spend time with me any more. For now just embracing the chaos. and yeah it is good to know that everyone’s in the same boat. There are a bunch of good IG mom accounts that talk about the grind of little ones that put things in perspective for me. 
 

back to @stahleyp I think find what works for you. I have a hard time believing the ‘it’s gonna ruin them spiel’, they need love, if you’re tired and grumpy you ain’t gonna be doing that as well. 
 

 

Edited August 22, 2023 by hasilp89

[Guest]

12 hours ago, sleepydragon said:

16 month might be too old to sleep training without hurting the baby psychologically. I forgot the right times.. you can google it.  

My wife co-slept with my daughter until I don't remember when, maybe 2 years old. 

maybe you two should try to co-sleeps in turns. that way at least one of you get some sleeps.

 

we used sleep training consultants too. didn't work. Their jobs is basically stop you from interfere while the baby cried for hours.

 

we eventually decided that sleep training is not natural. Babies are supposed to with mom all the time.. Eventually when the baby is older and can talk, she will be able to understand and only then you can sleep train her. Don't force it. I know someone who slept trained his kids and somehow the kids have speech development problem now.

 

 

When did your kids sleep through the night? Where did you see sleep training can hurt them? Tried to look it up but didn't find anything. 

[Guest]

I don't know if it's 

7 hours ago, beerbaron said:

Slowly increasing crying it out from 3 to 10 minutes worked for both of our kids. I remember a few times where I had to take our kid with me downstairs so my wife would not freak out over a crying baby for 10 minutes. I just visited a village that reproduced the living conditions of 1880s. A household would have 14 kids, the kids would sleep 4 per single sized bed, the smaller twos at each end and the taller ones in the middle. Anybody that tells you letting a kid cry out is bad for their mental health needs to take a step back trough evolution, birds throw their babies out of the nest and, for thousands of years, human kids were neglected based on today's standard. There will be plenty of time to reinforce their self esteem later, but, it will be pointless if their parents lose their mind. It might be worthwhile to rent a hotel for the night so that the wife sleeps without hearing the baby.

 

Being a parent is a scam, everybody tells you how wonderful it is, but as soon as the first one pops-up they are laughing at your lack of preparedness. To sum up what one of my relative told me. "Do your best and f*** the rest". I love my kids, it gets easier but the road is long and painfull. Be prepared for 20+ years and make sure you don't screw it up at the end, this is when it pays dividends.

 

BeerBaron

 

A couple weeks ago we tried to sleep train and she went into the crib for an hour and woke up and I put her back to sleep. Another hour, she's up and I put her back to sleep. I was tired and went into the other room and closed the door...she woke up like an hour later again and my wife took her. Said she was crying, had tears and was hoarse from crying too much.