Advice for New Parents

[alxcii]

It seems to me like a good number of the board has kids - I'm looking to get some advice from all the parents of COBAF. We are expecting our first child and one (of the many) decisions I'm trying to make is how much parental leave to take. I was set on taking 1 year because I thought that was the maximum, but my employer actually offers ~15 months. I keep reading how nobody regrets taking more time but is 15 months too long? My situation is:

 

- Work is not that fulfilling but I generally like what I do

- I love the thought of just investing full time (don't we all) and I kind of see this as a break to do just that (not sure how much the sleep deprivation will hurt returns...)

- Money not an issue (thank you COBAF) and I don't care about hurting my career prospects

 

I want to take 15 because I'm just thinking of all the moments I can spend with the kid and how priceless that is. My wife is going to take 1 year and what I worry about is the 3 months it will be just me and the kid and how I will feel about it. I'm 100% sure I will cherish the time, but being essentially like a stay at home dad... there's something unappealing about that. Even if I lean into being a "investor" I think I would still have a mini identity crisis. I mean I guess these are feelings I'll have to contend with anyways if I ever actually pivot to investing full time while my wife is still working. Am I overthinking?

 

If anyone here has any related experiences they can share or just about parenting in general, I'd love to hear it!

 

 

[Kizion]

I'm a "new" dad from Belgium - we get around 4 weeks of parental leave just after birth and are able to have 4 months full time off, which are free to take until the kid is 12 years old. The first 2-3 weeks are OK, because it's new, need to learn a lot and time flies, but I remember I was pretty relieved to be able to go back to work and do something else than watching the baby after those 3 weeks (even though I don't like my work). 

 

However, I can confirm that staying home and being there with mother and child are precious moments. And if I was in the situation you're in, I wouldn't doubt and also take the 15 months leave. However, what will your situation be with daycare? Will the baby be home all the time or will it go to a daycare at some time during the 15 months? I just ask because being at home with your child 24/24 7/7 is quite intensive and after a while it can indeed give a not very fullfilling feeling (as the "only" thing you do is taking care of the baby). In that case I would suggest to arrange some me-time for each of you. For example 1-2 days per week each of you is "off" and can do whatever you want (work on investing, sports, seeing friends, ...). In short, having time with you child is precious, but you need also to make time for other things after a while.

 

Related to the 3 months you're alone, I assume this is at the end, so when the baby is +12 months. This is the "nice" period. I liked it the best after 6 months (which I really don't like) and before 18-24 months, as after that they are great but also more difficult (read, more tiring). Again, if you have no daycare during that period, being a full time dad will be nice but intensive. Ideally you at least have 1 day per workweek where you can have me-time (even if it just a day where you don't have any plans, but not having the responsibility to think of the child is needed). 

 

Also a factor to take into consideration (at least in BE) is the season/weather. It's much more easy to take care of your child when it's sunny and warm, because you can find activities to keep them busy much more easy.

[Lazarus]

When my kids were born, I had better parental leave benefits than my wife. Still, I had zero intention to stay home with the kids; I hadn't even considered it. But my wife sucked at taking care of babies (she was emotionally overwhelmed by the crying) so at the 4-month point I stayed home with the kids and she went back to work. It took a couple of weeks to figure out what I was doing, but once I got the hang of it, I LOVED it and it was easy. Me and the baby went all over, played all day. My wife would come home from work and the kid would be covered in mud from playing outside with me. If I hadn't done this, I would have ended up simply deferring to my wife on a lot of parenting issues since "she's the mother", the way a lot of men behave in families. I liked the experience so much that I ended up staying off work with each baby until they were 18-months old. 

 

I did that with both of my daughters and our connection is strong because of it. 

[thepupil]

9 hours ago, alxcii said:

It seems to me like a good number of the board has kids - I'm looking to get some advice from all the parents of COBAF. We are expecting our first child and one (of the many) decisions I'm trying to make is how much parental leave to take. I was set on taking 1 year because I thought that was the maximum, but my employer actually offers ~15 months. I keep reading how nobody regrets taking more time but is 15 months too long? My situation is:

 

- Work is not that fulfilling but I generally like what I do

- I love the thought of just investing full time (don't we all) and I kind of see this as a break to do just that (not sure how much the sleep deprivation will hurt returns...)

- Money not an issue (thank you COBAF) and I don't care about hurting my career prospects

 

I want to take 15 because I'm just thinking of all the moments I can spend with the kid and how priceless that is. My wife is going to take 1 year and what I worry about is the 3 months it will be just me and the kid and how I will feel about it. I'm 100% sure I will cherish the time, but being essentially like a stay at home dad... there's something unappealing about that. Even if I lean into being a "investor" I think I would still have a mini identity crisis. I mean I guess these are feelings I'll have to contend with anyways if I ever actually pivot to investing full time while my wife is still working. Am I overthinking?

 

If anyone here has any related experiences they can share or just about parenting in general, I'd love to hear it!

 

 

 

if you have a ton of money and don't care about your career progression, i think you should take 15 months of paid leave regardless. that is an insane benefit. 

 

babies are a ton of work the first few months but one or both of you will eventually have a fair bit of free time with both of you at home, they sleep a lot. 

 

I took 3 weeks and my wife took 12 weeks (unpaid). I assume you're not in the U.S? I know plenty of dads who took none.

 

two jobs offering 12-15 months of paid leave is wild! 

Edited 22 hours ago by thepupil

[LC]

Take the time off - babies are a ton of work, and can be very stressful on a relationship. The more time and energy you can dedicate solely to managing that, the better off everyone will be. 

[Gregmal]

I would take as much time as possible with the warning that the first little bit is a total nightmare. 

[Castanza]

I'm a new parent myself and all I know is that kids definitely benefit from spending more time with their parents in the early years. I work from home, but had 3 months off and my wife also had 3 months off but is back part time (nurse). Not everyone's circumstances can accommodate this obviously and daycare is a very common thing. I've always been of the mindset that if I choose to have kids I want to do everything in my power to know my wife and I are the ones raising our children and spending as much time with them as possible. Financially it doesn't work for a lot of people though. 

 

I have never heard anyone say they regret spending more time with their children. Consider it a privilege to have the opportunity if you can afford it. You'll have a much closer bond with your kid imo. 

 

Advice for the first 5 months (your mindset): "They aren't giving you a hard time, they are having a hard time." Will bring you back to earth when you're sleep deprived and frustrated at 3am. Also make a pact with your wife to not hold anything you say against each other the first few weeks. Buckle up and enjoy it!

[thepupil]

also consider splurging on a night nurse the first 2-3 weeks. Even every other night for 1-2 weeks is a huge blessing, particularly if the pregnancy was hard on the mom from a physical standpoint, though it is expensive. maybe less important though if you're not working. I took my leave later  and was working a few days after born so having night nurse for a little was hugely helpful in letting me get a full night's sleep every other day. 

Edited 22 hours ago by thepupil

[Fly]

Take the full 15 months. Those 3mo with you and the baby solo will be incredibly challenging and difficult for the first few weeks but irreplaceable after that. 

[Blake Hampton]

I’ll start off by saying I’m not a parent.

 

But if I do end up having kids, one of the biggest things I’d do earlier on would be to start and contribute to a 529. I would also go on to ask friends and family for contributions during birthdays, Christmas, etc. A young child can be enthralled with a spoon, so it’s the perfect time to try and put money aside for their future. It also gives the money time to compound, plus the new rules enacted from the SECURE Act make them very attractive.

 

Congratulations.

[Blake Hampton]

I think 529s are incredible. People would probably say I’m a 529 salesman if there were such a thing.

[Dinar]

19 minutes ago, thepupil said:

also consider splurging on a night nurse the first 2-3 weeks. Even every other night for 1-2 weeks is a huge blessing, particularly if the pregnancy was hard on the mom from a physical standpoint, though it is expensive. maybe less important though if you're not working. I took my leave later  and was working a few days after born so having night nurse for a little was hugely helpful in letting me get a full night's sleep every other day. 

Totally.  What we did was shifts: wife was with the baby 9 pm till 3am, and I was 3 am till 9 am

[Red Lion]

I’d take as much leave as you can get. You won’t regret it later. Plus you can still advance yourself through self study during the time off. 

[Longnose]

I have 3 and are expecting twins in July. 

 

While I would say I get utterly exhausted and there are times where I want to sell them. They are the best. 

 

The greatest investment you can make, is investing your time and attention into your children. No amount of money will make up for time and attention given to your kids.  They wont remember much from the early years beyond how much are you there or not there and what is the feeling in your home. 

 

Its a shitshow figuratively and literally. But I wouldn't trade it for any amount of money. 

[StevieV]

10 hours ago, alxcii said:

- Money not an issue (thank you COBAF) and I don't care about hurting my career prospects

 

15 months sounds awesome.  Money and career are the only reasons I would consider not doing it.  If those aren't issues, I'd definitely take the 15 months. 

 

Congratulations!  Being a parent is the best thing I've ever done.  

[bizaro86]

I stayed home for 1.5 weeks with my first, and regretted immensely not staying longer. My wife had ~15 months.

 

Our second I took 4 weeks, which was better but still sad to go back. Then I got laid off at 5.5 months and never went back to work for someone else. The next two years were amazing- I worked on starting my business after they were asleep in the evening, and spent the days with my kids. I think it's made a huge difference in my relationships with them, and I often tell people getting laid off was the best thing that ever happened to me. 

[Jaygo]

Congrats. Take the 15. What a benefit and depending on how the birth and early days go you can change your mind and shorten it if you really want. 

 

The first couple months are crazy, no sleep and just being worried about keeping something so tiny alive.

 

My advice is to look into what to expect: I hope you dig deeper on the below but a couple surprises and thoughts I had.

 

1. I was much more involved in the birth than I ever expected, I was shocked to see my wife that way.

2. The baby comes out looking really weird. That's normal. I thought she was deformed and I just about fainted.

3. The whole birth is kind of messy, just be ready.

4. Everyone talks about sleep deprivation, it is so much more, its tiredness mixed with anxiety, just be ready.

5. They are very tiny, and the skull is still soft. (be careful and make sure to rotate them in the crib so they dont get misshapen heads. 

6. They grow up so fast its painful. Enjoy every second of it and DO NOT take any of it for granted. 

7 .Get your house in order now. Get the room ready long before because you dont want to paint, new carpet and furniture, new mattresses and other toxic shit around a newborn. 

[73 Reds]

11 hours ago, alxcii said:

It seems to me like a good number of the board has kids - I'm looking to get some advice from all the parents of COBAF. We are expecting our first child and one (of the many) decisions I'm trying to make is how much parental leave to take. I was set on taking 1 year because I thought that was the maximum, but my employer actually offers ~15 months. I keep reading how nobody regrets taking more time but is 15 months too long? My situation is:

 

- Work is not that fulfilling but I generally like what I do

- I love the thought of just investing full time (don't we all) and I kind of see this as a break to do just that (not sure how much the sleep deprivation will hurt returns...)

- Money not an issue (thank you COBAF) and I don't care about hurting my career prospects

 

I want to take 15 because I'm just thinking of all the moments I can spend with the kid and how priceless that is. My wife is going to take 1 year and what I worry about is the 3 months it will be just me and the kid and how I will feel about it. I'm 100% sure I will cherish the time, but being essentially like a stay at home dad... there's something unappealing about that. Even if I lean into being a "investor" I think I would still have a mini identity crisis. I mean I guess these are feelings I'll have to contend with anyways if I ever actually pivot to investing full time while my wife is still working. Am I overthinking?

 

If anyone here has any related experiences they can share or just about parenting in general, I'd love to hear it!

 

 

I quit my last paying job a week after my first child was born.  Not exactly good advice for everyone but in hindsight was one of the best decisions I've ever made.  Decided life was too short to be on someone else's schedule.  Not to suggest I did it solely to be available to help with kids  - we were fortunate to have live-in help - but growing up my kids always knew that I could - and would be there for them at any time.    

[lnofeisone]

I have 10 mo old and a 3 yo. 

 

1) Take as much time as you can afford. 15 months is amazing. My firm allowed 16 weeks. I took full 16. Both times. 

2) Hire help. The first few weeks/months are insane. You will be continuously overloaded by a mixture of learning new things, anxiety, and fear of screwing up constantly fueled by the lack of sleep. We offloaded most of the laundry, cooking, and cleaning and still were busy. 

3) Events, daycare, etc., get booked very fast. Put yourself on the waiting lists. Our daycare waitlist was 1.5 years long.  

 

If you are in the US:

1) Your work may offer a bunch of plans. HSA, Childcare FSA. Optimize that.

2) 529. Make sure you do it through your state so that you can get state benefits and then you can move to Vanguard for lower fees. You can also convert some of your 529 to Roth after 15 years. 

 

After that, enjoy the ride.

 

[villainx]

Not to say don't take the maximum time allowed to you.  But this calm down quite a bit after you get into good groove in 2-3 months.  There's still a lot of bonding and adoring time, but I can imagine things being a bit boring or unremarkable.  The kid doesn't do much except feed, sleep, poop for a very long time.

[Paarslaars]

You guys sure romanticize the early period.  

I enjoyed the first two weeks because it was new and honestly my wife could use the help.

After that, babies weren't really my thing because it was a constant struggle to figure out what they needed.

I prefer the 1-3y old period, they start walking so you can do more stuff with them + when they start pointing/talking it is so much easier to take care of them.

During this period I took quite a bit time off to spend more time with them, especially with the oldest (youngest is more of a momma's girl).

 

Now after 3 I just make sure to be home on time during the week and occasionally take them to do stuff.

 

With regards to your question: take the 15 months but don't spend it 100% with the kid, make sure you still have time for yourself & friends so you don't end up frustrated.

 

 

 

[CorpRaider]

I would request the leave and then you can probably go back early if you want.  Kids are tough and first is a steep learning curve but it's awesome.  

 

Edit:  I agree with pupil about trying to get some help around early on.  Even if it's your mother-in-law.  We kind of didn't ask thinking we wanted some space after the hospital for the first one.  Not a great idea.  haha

Edited 1 hour ago by CorpRaider

[Lazarus]

Nooooo... not the mother in law.