I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.

[ERICOPOLY]

https://twitter.com/raidergyrl/status/1243036665590845440/photo/1

[rb]

https://twitter.com/raidergyrl/status/1243036665590845440/photo/1

LOL!!!

[AzCactus]

https://twitter.com/raidergyrl/status/1243036665590845440/photo/1

LOL!!!

 

I think that was pretty great too

[rkbabang]

I was in a long line at 7:45 am today at the grocery store that opened at 8 for seniors only. A young man came from the parking lot and tried to cut in at the front of the line, but an old lady beat him back into the parking lot with her cane. He returned and tried to cut in again, but an old man punched him in the gut, then kicked him to the ground and rolled him away.

As he approached the line for the third time he said, "If you don't let me unlock the door, you'll never get in there."

 

[ERICOPOLY]

This is so funny I don't know where else to put it:

 

https://www.yahoo.com/entertainment/seattle-npr-station-says-no-171848492.html

 

[Spekulatius]

Yay, Amerika is finally embracing communism!  gets a monthly check for doing nothing, but we have to stand in line for toilet paper.

[Jurgis]

Yay, Amerika is finally embracing communism!  gets a monthly check for doing nothing, but we have to stand in line for toilet paper.

 

Putin has won. Soviet Union is back again.

[nickenumbers]

Putin has won. Soviet Union is back again.

 

Bahhhaaaahhhaa..  I was worried about my Soviet made computer, and my Soviet Shoes, and the Soviet companies that I invest in..

 

;)  baaaaa

[Jurgis]

Putin has won. Soviet Union is back again.

 

Bahhhaaaahhhaa..  I was worried about my SovietChinese made computer, and my SovietChinese Shoes, and the SovietChinese companies that I invest in..

 

;)  baaaaa

 

Fixed that for you.  ;)

[Foreign Tuffett]

Bill Ackman is fond of telling this one:

 

My psychiatrist said I was a kleptomaniac...I said, "Is there anything I can take for it?"

 

 

[LC]

[cwericb]

Ya can't make this stuff up..... (from today's news)

 

“Trump called Rep. Thomas Massie a "third rate Grandstander" and claimed the Kentucky Republican "just wants the publicity" after threatening a roll-call vote, which would require members travel back to the US Capitol to vote in person.”

 

“John Kerry also attacked Massie on Twitter, saying the congressman "tested positive for being an asshole" and that he must be "quarantined to prevent the spread of his massive stupidity." 

"Finally, something the president and I can agree on!"

[ERICOPOLY]

'Governor Cuomo and others they say they want 30,000 of them. Thirty thousand!' Trump told Fox News host Sean Hannity in an interview on Thursday night, speaking of the urgently needed ventilators. 'Think of this, you go to hospitals and they have one. And now all of a sudden everybody is asking for these vast numbers.'

 

https://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-8158745/US-coronavirus-Trump-claims-Cuomo-exaggerating-New-Yorks-need-ventilators.html

[cwericb]

And that from the master of exaggeration...

[Castanza]

Ya can't make this stuff up..... (from today's news)

 

“Trump called Rep. Thomas Massie a "third rate Grandstander" and claimed the Kentucky Republican "just wants the publicity" after threatening a roll-call vote, which would require members travel back to the US Capitol to vote in person.”

 

“John Kerry also attacked Massie on Twitter, saying the congressman "tested positive for being an asshole" and that he must be "quarantined to prevent the spread of his massive stupidity." 

"Finally, something the president and I can agree on!"

 

Massie was right about a lot of his justification. I would link his tweet but my company has now blocked twitter to save bandwidth....

[ERICOPOLY]

And that from the master of exaggeration...

 

He cancelled the order for 80,000 ventilators and he thinks he is covering his ass:

 

https://www.theroot.com/the-trump-administration-just-canceled-an-order-for-80-1842526968

 

[cwericb]

The supermarket was to open early for seniors and a long line had formed at the door.

 

Suddenly a young man jumped into the front of the line whereupon an elderly lady beat him to the curb with her umbrella and the crowed cheered.

 

The young man dusted himself off and again tried to get in front of the line but an old army vet beat him to the ground with his cane. Once again the young man picked himself an made his way to the door. As the croud prepared for another attack the young man said, “Folks if you don’t let me open the store no one is going to get their groceries.

[rogermunibond]

[/img]

[Castanza]

The American people are applauding a Bill that is a worse deal than any payday loan shop is guilty of. Think about that.

 

 

[rb]

Ya can't make this stuff up..... (from today's news)

 

“Trump called Rep. Thomas Massie a "third rate Grandstander" and claimed the Kentucky Republican "just wants the publicity" after threatening a roll-call vote, which would require members travel back to the US Capitol to vote in person.”

 

“John Kerry also attacked Massie on Twitter, saying the congressman "tested positive for being an asshole" and that he must be "quarantined to prevent the spread of his massive stupidity." 

"Finally, something the president and I can agree on!"

Massie was right about a lot of his justification. I would link his tweet but my company has now blocked twitter to save bandwidth....

No, that guy is just an asshole. Read the tweet too.

 

Btw, when John Kerry and Donald Trump can agree on one thing. You know it's true....

[Castanza]

Ya can't make this stuff up..... (from today's news)

 

“Trump called Rep. Thomas Massie a "third rate Grandstander" and claimed the Kentucky Republican "just wants the publicity" after threatening a roll-call vote, which would require members travel back to the US Capitol to vote in person.”

 

“John Kerry also attacked Massie on Twitter, saying the congressman "tested positive for being an asshole" and that he must be "quarantined to prevent the spread of his massive stupidity." 

"Finally, something the president and I can agree on!"

Massie was right about a lot of his justification. I would link his tweet but my company has now blocked twitter to save bandwidth....

No, that guy is just an asshole. Read the tweet too.

 

Btw, when John Kerry and Donald Trump can agree on one thing. You know it's true....

 

No, he was right. Fiscal responsibility shouldn’t be abandoned simply because emotions are high and people are losing their shit.

[rb]

No, he was right. Fiscal responsibility shouldn’t be abandoned simply because emotions are high and people are losing their shit.

I was gonna say that this is a joke thread. But you post is in keeping with the spirit.

 

The guy who votes no on everything but voted for the Trump tax cut. Yes. Thomas Massey... Paragon of fiscal responsibility! LOL!!!

[Castanza]

No, he was right. Fiscal responsibility shouldn’t be abandoned simply because emotions are high and people are losing their shit.

I was gonna say that this is a joke thread. But you post is in keeping with the spirit.

 

The guy who votes no on everything but voted for the Trump tax cut. Yes. Thomas Massey... Paragon of fiscal responsibility! LOL!!!

 

He voted for less taxes being paid. He would vote for less taxes for individuals as well. You’re making a false equivalence and then drawing your own conclusion. That’s the joke.

 

What’s even funnier is you’re saying a congressman is an asshole for upholding his oath to obey the constitution...

[rb]

No, he was right. Fiscal responsibility shouldn’t be abandoned simply because emotions are high and people are losing their shit.

I was gonna say that this is a joke thread. But you post is in keeping with the spirit.

 

The guy who votes no on everything but voted for the Trump tax cut. Yes. Thomas Massey... Paragon of fiscal responsibility! LOL!!!

 

He voted for less taxes being paid. He would vote for less taxes for individuals as well. You’re making a false equivalence and then drawing your own conclusion. That’s the joke.

 

What’s even funnier is you’re saying a congressman is an asshole for upholding his oath to obey the constitution...

I see. it's not fiscal irresponsibility when you cut taxes. lol

[LC]

Donald Trump met with the Queen of England, and politely asked her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give me?"

 

"Well," replied the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."

 

Trump frowned, and then asked, "But how do I know the people around you are really intelligent?"

 

The Queen took a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy; you just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle."

 

The Queen pushed a button on her intercom. "Please send Boris Johnson in here, would you?"

 

The Prime Minster walked into the room and said, "Yes, Your Majesty?"

 

The Queen smiled and said, "Answer me this, if you would, Boris. Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?"

 

Without pausing for a moment, he answered, "That would be me."

 

"Yes! Very good," said the Queen.

 

Trump went back home to ask Mike Pence the same question. “ Mike, answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"

 

"I'm not sure," said Pence. "Let me get back to you on that one." He went to his advisers and asked everyone, but none could give him an answer.

 

Finally, Pence ran in to his friend Jack Murphy in a restaurant the next night. Pence asked, "Jack, can you answer this for me? Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

 

Jack Murphy answered right back, "That's easy, it's me!"

 

Pence smiled, and said, "Thanks!"

 

Pence then went back to speak with Trump. "Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle: It's my friend Jack Murphy!"

 

Trump got up, stomped over to Pence, and angrily yelled, "No, you idiot! It's Boris Johnson!"