Castanza Posted March 5, 2020 Share Posted March 5, 2020 A man’s wife asks him to go to the store to buy some cigarettes, so he walks down to the store only to find it closed. So he goes into a nearby bar to use the vending machine. At the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her. They have a couple of beers and one thing leads to another and they end up in her apartment. After they’ve had their fun, he realizes its 3 a.m. and says, “Oh no, it’s so late, my wife’s going to kill me.” He takes his shoes outside and rubs them in the grass and mud, then proceeds home. His wife is waiting for him in the doorway and she is pretty pissed off. “Where the hell have you been?!?!” “Well, honey, it’s like this. I went to the store like you asked, but they were closed. So I went to the bar to use the vending machine. I saw this great-looking chick there and we had a few drinks and one thing led to another and I ended up in bed with her.” She sees his shoes are covered with grass and says, “You lying bastard!!! You’ve been golfing again!!!” Lmao that’s pretty good! ;D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rkbabang Posted March 5, 2020 Share Posted March 5, 2020 Son: "I was awarded the Leslie Nielsen award at school" Me: "What's that?" Son: "A big building with lots of kids" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DooDiligence Posted March 5, 2020 Share Posted March 5, 2020 Son: "I was awarded the Leslie Nielsen award at school" Me: "What's that?" Son: "A big building with lots of kids" I re-watched the Naked Gun recently. "Nice beaver" "Thanks, I just had him stuffed" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rkbabang Posted March 5, 2020 Share Posted March 5, 2020 Son: "I was awarded the Leslie Nielsen award at school" Me: "What's that?" Son: "A big building with lots of kids" I re-watched the Naked Gun recently. "Nice beaver" "Thanks, I just had him stuffed" Surely you can't be serious? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DooDiligence Posted March 5, 2020 Share Posted March 5, 2020 Son: "I was awarded the Leslie Nielsen award at school" Me: "What's that?" Son: "A big building with lots of kids" I re-watched the Naked Gun recently. "Nice beaver" "Thanks, I just had him stuffed" Surely you can't be serious? Don't call me Shirley. What can you make of this? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rkbabang Posted March 5, 2020 Share Posted March 5, 2020 Son: "I was awarded the Leslie Nielsen award at school" Me: "What's that?" Son: "A big building with lots of kids" I re-watched the Naked Gun recently. "Nice beaver" "Thanks, I just had him stuffed" Surely you can't be serious? Don't call me Shirley. What can you make of this? Yes. That as much as anything else led to my drinking problem. https://media.giphy.com/media/3oKHWBy6GFcLdEhH0Y/giphy.gif Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rkbabang Posted March 6, 2020 Share Posted March 6, 2020 More corona virus humor. This is hilarious. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LC Posted March 6, 2020 Share Posted March 6, 2020 Please follow proper personal safety procedure: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jurgis Posted March 6, 2020 Share Posted March 6, 2020 If you have elderly relatives suffering from Alzheimer's, dementia, or other debilitating diseases... give them a gift... send them on a cruise. :-X Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest cherzeca Posted March 7, 2020 Share Posted March 7, 2020 Breaking news: USA Corona virus death toll rises to 11. Student with gun: "Hold my beer..." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JRM Posted March 7, 2020 Share Posted March 7, 2020 38% of Americans avoid Corona beer due to the coronavirus. There's no punchline... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
muscleman Posted March 7, 2020 Share Posted March 7, 2020 My best joke is this. CDC official advising people not to touching their face while touching her own. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DooDiligence Posted March 7, 2020 Share Posted March 7, 2020 “I haven’t touched my face in weeks!” Trump joked. “I miss it.” www.politico.com/news/2020/03/04/trump-jokes-touching-face-coronavirus-121135 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest cherzeca Posted March 7, 2020 Share Posted March 7, 2020 I appreciate these replies. yes the topic is non-PC but then humor is a treatment for melancholy not contentment Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
samwise Posted March 7, 2020 Share Posted March 7, 2020 Here is what the quant told me (more generally about pandemics). “I don’t believe in human extinction events. There is not one in our back test which covers all of human history.” Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Read the Footnotes Posted March 8, 2020 Share Posted March 8, 2020 A few weeks ago people were saying "it's just a cold, it's just the flu, it's not like it's SARS." Actually, it is SARS. In case you haven't noticed the official name of the virus is SARS-CoV-2. So the next time someone tells you it's not SARS, you can say, "actually it is SARS. SARS-CoV-2, or simply SARS 2.0." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LC Posted March 10, 2020 Share Posted March 10, 2020 Coronavirus is like pasta. Asians invented it, but the Italians spread it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rkbabang Posted March 10, 2020 Share Posted March 10, 2020 Coronavirus is like pasta. Asians invented it, but the Italians spread it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rkbabang Posted March 10, 2020 Share Posted March 10, 2020 TEACHER: "Billy, if there are 5 birds on a fence and you shoot 1, how many birds are left?" BILLY: "None. The others fly away." TEACHER: "The answer is 4, but I like how you think." BILLY: "Can I ask you a question Mrs Smith?" TEACHER: "Sure Billy" BILLY: "If 3 women are eating ice cream and one is licking, one is biting, and one is sucking, which one is married?" TEACHER: <hesitantly> "The, Umm, one that is sucking?" BILLY: "The answer is the one wearing a wedding ring, but I like how you think." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LC Posted March 10, 2020 Share Posted March 10, 2020 Coronavirus is like pasta. Asians invented it, but the Italians spread it. France built a giant wall but coronavirus just went around it ;D ;D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jurgis Posted March 10, 2020 Share Posted March 10, 2020 Coronavirus is like pasta. Asians invented it, but the Italians spread it. France USA built a giant wall but coronavirus just went around it ;D ;D Here, fixed that for you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DooDiligence Posted March 10, 2020 Share Posted March 10, 2020 TEACHER: "Billy, if there are 5 birds on a fence and you shoot 1, how many birds are left?" BILLY: "None. The others fly away." TEACHER: "The answer is 4, but I like how you think." BILLY: "Can I ask you a question Mrs Smith?" TEACHER: "Sure Billy" BILLY: "If 3 women are eating ice cream and one is licking, one is biting, and one is sucking, which one is married?" TEACHER: <hesitantly> "The, Umm, one that is sucking?" BILLY: "The answer is the one wearing a wedding ring, but I like how you think." I like this kid. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DooDiligence Posted March 10, 2020 Share Posted March 10, 2020 Coronavirus is like pasta. Asians invented it, but the Italians spread it. France USA built a giant wall but coronavirus just went around it ;D ;D Here, fixed that for you. The wall is a figment of the GOP's imagination. ;) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bizaro86 Posted March 11, 2020 Share Posted March 11, 2020 1 week cruise, free with every annuity purchase! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rb Posted March 11, 2020 Share Posted March 11, 2020 Why is SCI going down? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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