I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.

[Castanza]

A man’s wife asks him to go to the store to buy some cigarettes, so he walks down to the store only to find it closed. So he goes into a nearby bar to use the vending machine. At the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her.

 

They have a couple of beers and one thing leads to another and they end up in her apartment.

 

After they’ve had their fun, he realizes its 3 a.m. and says, “Oh no, it’s so late, my wife’s going to kill me.” He takes his shoes outside and rubs them in the grass and mud, then proceeds home.

 

His wife is waiting for him in the doorway and she is pretty pissed off. “Where the hell have you been?!?!” “Well, honey, it’s like this. I went to the store like you asked, but they were closed. So I went to the bar to use the vending machine. I saw this great-looking chick there and we had a few drinks and one thing led to another and I ended up in bed with her.”

 

She sees his shoes are covered with grass and says, “You lying bastard!!! You’ve been golfing again!!!”

 

Lmao that’s pretty good!  ;D

[rkbabang]

Son:  "I was awarded the Leslie Nielsen award at school"

 

Me:  "What's that?"

 

Son:  "A big building with lots of kids"

 

 

[DooDiligence]

Son:  "I was awarded the Leslie Nielsen award at school"

 

Me:  "What's that?"

 

Son:  "A big building with lots of kids"

 

I re-watched the Naked Gun recently.

 

"Nice beaver"

"Thanks, I just had him stuffed"

[rkbabang]

Son:  "I was awarded the Leslie Nielsen award at school"

 

Me:  "What's that?"

 

Son:  "A big building with lots of kids"

 

I re-watched the Naked Gun recently.

 

"Nice beaver"

"Thanks, I just had him stuffed"

 

Surely you can't be serious?

 

 

 

[DooDiligence]

Son:  "I was awarded the Leslie Nielsen award at school"

 

Me:  "What's that?"

 

Son:  "A big building with lots of kids"

 

I re-watched the Naked Gun recently.

 

"Nice beaver"

"Thanks, I just had him stuffed"

 

Surely you can't be serious?

 

 

Don't call me Shirley.

 

What can you make of this?

 

[rkbabang]

Son:  "I was awarded the Leslie Nielsen award at school"

 

Me:  "What's that?"

 

Son:  "A big building with lots of kids"

 

I re-watched the Naked Gun recently.

 

"Nice beaver"

"Thanks, I just had him stuffed"

 

Surely you can't be serious?

 

 

Don't call me Shirley.

 

What can you make of this?

 

 

Yes.  That as much as anything else led to my drinking problem.

 

https://media.giphy.com/media/3oKHWBy6GFcLdEhH0Y/giphy.gif

 

 

[rkbabang]

More corona virus humor.  This is hilarious.

[LC]

Please follow proper personal safety procedure:

 

[Jurgis]

If you have elderly relatives suffering from Alzheimer's, dementia, or other debilitating diseases...

 

give them a gift...

 

send them on a cruise.

 

:-X

[Guest cherzeca]

Breaking news:

USA Corona virus death toll rises to 11.

 

Student with gun: "Hold my beer..."

[JRM]

38% of Americans avoid Corona beer due to the coronavirus.

 

There's no punchline...

[muscleman]

My best joke is this.

CDC official advising people not to touching their face while touching her own.

 

 

[DooDiligence]

“I haven’t touched my face in weeks!” Trump joked. “I miss it.”

 

www.politico.com/news/2020/03/04/trump-jokes-touching-face-coronavirus-121135

[Guest cherzeca]

I appreciate these replies.  yes the topic is non-PC but then humor is a treatment for melancholy not contentment

[samwise]

Here is what the quant told me (more generally about pandemics). “I don’t believe in human extinction events. There is not one in our back test which covers all of human history.”

[Read the Footnotes]

A few weeks ago people were saying "it's just a cold, it's just the flu, it's not like it's SARS."

 

Actually, it is SARS. In case you haven't noticed the official name of the virus is SARS-CoV-2. So the next time someone tells you it's not SARS, you can say, "actually it is SARS. SARS-CoV-2, or simply SARS 2.0."

[LC]

Coronavirus is like pasta.

 

Asians invented it, but the Italians spread it.

[rkbabang]

Coronavirus is like pasta.

 

Asians invented it, but the Italians spread it.

[rkbabang]

TEACHER:	"Billy, if there are 5 birds on a fence and you shoot 1, how many birds are left?"
BILLY:	"None. The others fly away."
TEACHER:	"The answer is 4, but I like how you think."
BILLY:	"Can I ask you a question Mrs Smith?"
TEACHER:	"Sure Billy"
BILLY:	"If 3 women are eating ice cream and one is licking, one is biting, and one is sucking, which one is married?"
TEACHER:	<hesitantly> "The, Umm, one that is sucking?"
BILLY:	"The answer is the one wearing a wedding ring, but I like how you think."

 

[LC]

Coronavirus is like pasta.

 

Asians invented it, but the Italians spread it.

 

France built a giant wall but coronavirus just went around it  ;D ;D

[Jurgis]

Coronavirus is like pasta.

 

Asians invented it, but the Italians spread it.

 

France USA built a giant wall but coronavirus just went around it  ;D ;D

 

Here, fixed that for you.

[DooDiligence]

TEACHER:	"Billy, if there are 5 birds on a fence and you shoot 1, how many birds are left?"
BILLY:	"None. The others fly away."
TEACHER:	"The answer is 4, but I like how you think."
BILLY:	"Can I ask you a question Mrs Smith?"
TEACHER:	"Sure Billy"
BILLY:	"If 3 women are eating ice cream and one is licking, one is biting, and one is sucking, which one is married?"
TEACHER:	<hesitantly> "The, Umm, one that is sucking?"
BILLY:	"The answer is the one wearing a wedding ring, but I like how you think."

 

I like this kid.

[DooDiligence]

Coronavirus is like pasta.

 

Asians invented it, but the Italians spread it.

 

France USA built a giant wall but coronavirus just went around it  ;D ;D

 

Here, fixed that for you.

 

The wall is a figment of the GOP's imagination.

 

;)

[bizaro86]

1 week cruise, free with every annuity purchase!

[rb]

Why is SCI going down?