I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.

[John Hjorth]

Copied from the Berkshire Hathaway forum :

 

Thanks to all for tolerating my idiotic idea.

At least the question brought up some interesting info & perspectives.

edit: Also thanks to Ander for starting the discussion to begin with.

 

Does anyone know if WEB & Chuck read CoBF?

How can they not?

 

edit: Someone should ask at the next (virtual) AGM.

 

How could they resist the politics section?

 

Jeff & Mike,

 

Thank you for making my Saturday morning! [ : - D ]

[LC]

A white scientist is studying an African tribe.

 

One day, the tribe leaders wife has a white son.

 

The tribe leader approaches the scientist soon after.

 

"Well, we both know what happened here. No one else could have done it. You slept with my wife, I have to kill you." The tribe leader says.

 

The scientist's brow furrows as he is deep in thought.

 

"No no no sir there's been a terrible misunderstanding!" The scientist exclaims. "Look out at the pasture." He points his index finger to the fields, where a flock of sheep are grazing.

 

"Yes, what is the matter? It's just sheep." The tribe leader asks.

 

"Do you see that sheep? It's black, while the rest of the sheep are white. The same can be said about your son, It simply happens sometimes in nature."

 

The tribe leader grasps the scientists shoulders and stares him down intensely.

 

"I won't say anything about my son if you don't say anything about that sheep"

[DooDiligence]

Not nearly as funny as the last one but;

 

“Give a man a fish & he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish & he’ll spend a fortune on gear he’ll only use twice a year.”

[DynamicPerception]

Charley, a new retiree-greeter at Wal-Mart, just couldn't seem to get to work on time.

Every day he was 5, 10, 15 minutes late.

But he was a good worker, really tidy, clean-shaven, sharp minded and a real credit to the company and obviously demonstrating their "Older Person Friendly" policies.

One day the boss called him into the office for a talk.

"Charley, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do a bang up job, but your being late so often is quite bothersome."

"Yes, I know boss, and I am working on it."

"Well good, you are a team player. That's what I like to hear.

It's odd though your coming in late.

I know you're retired from the Armed Forces.

What did they say if you came in late there?"

"They said, 'Good morning, Admiral, can I get you coffee, sir?'".

 

[Gregmal]

https://twitter.com/HJudeBoudreaux/status/1338210121881694217/photo/1

 

 

[rkbabang]

[Gregmal]

^^^I think theyre looking for Jill Biden....

[Gregmal]

Town school system sent out an automated message just now. Tomorrow is a snow day. Virtual classes are cancelled.

 

 

Yup, teachers hard at work...

[rkbabang]

Town school system sent out an automated message just now. Tomorrow is a snow day. Virtual classes are cancelled.

 

 

Yup, teachers hard at work...

 

You don't want anyone to have an accident trying to get to their computer.

[cubsfan]

Town school system sent out an automated message just now. Tomorrow is a snow day. Virtual classes are cancelled.

 

 

Yup, teachers hard at work...

 

Damn, That's a first

[rkbabang]

Merry Christmas everyone

[bookie71]

https://www.subaruoutback.org/attachments/fb_img_1608775982000-jpg.500216/

 

[DooDiligence]

Schrödingers Immigrant

 

www.reddit.com/r/brexit/comments/kk5n1c/schrodingers_immigrant/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3

[DynamicPerception]

  These are good examples of unclear writing. Sentences were taken from actual letters

  received by the Welfare Department in applications for financial assistance.

 

  1) I am forwarding my marriage certificate and six children. I have seven, but one

    died, which was baptized on a half sheet of paper.

 

  2) I am writing the Wefare Department to say that my baby was born two years old. When

    do I get my money?

 

  3) Mrs. jones has not had any clothes for a year, and has been visited regularly by the

    preacher.

 

  4) I cannot get sick pay. I have six children. Can you tell me why?

 

  5) I am glad to report that my husband who is missing is dead.

 

  6) This is my eigth child. What are you going to do about it?

 

  7) Please find out for certain if my husband is dead. The man I was living with can't

    eat or do anything until he knows.

 

  8) I am very much annoyed to find you have branded my son "illiterate". This is a lie,

    as I was married two weeks before he was born.

 

  9) In answer to your letter, I have given birth to a boy weighing 10 pounds. I hope

    this is satisfactory.

 

10) I am forwarding my marriage certificate and three children, one of which is a

    mistake as you can see.

 

11) My husband got his project cut off two weeks ago, and I haven't had any relief since.

 

12) Unless I get my husband's money pretty soon, I'll be forced to lead an immoral life.

 

13) You have changed my little boy to a girl. Will this make any difference?

 

14) I have no children yet as my husband is a truck driver and works day and night.

 

15) In accordance with your instructions, I have given birth to twins, in the enclosed

    envelope.

 

16) I want money as quickly as I can get it. I have been in bed with the same doctor for

    two weeks, and it doesn't do any good. If things don't improve soon, please send for

    another doctor to help him.

[DooDiligence]

Trader fired for using the F word.

 

www.reddit.com/r/wallstreetbets/comments/kqy5e4/one_among_us/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3

[DynamicPerception]

These will make you groan a little.

 

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love, and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

 

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

 

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was assaulted.

 

4. A dyslexic man walked into a bra.

 

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

 

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

 

7. "Doc, I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home.  "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome. "Is it common? "Well, It's Not Unusual."

 

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning. "I don't believe you," says Dolly. "It's true; no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

 

9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

 

10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

 

11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't find any.

 

12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted,"Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know, I amputated your arms!"

 

13. I went to a seafood disco last week.... and pulled a mussel.

 

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

 

15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says, "Dam!"

 

16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Not surprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

 

17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and      asked them to disperse. "But why," they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said. "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

 

18. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt, and is named 'Ahmal.' The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him 'Juan'.

    Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal.

    Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

 

19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail

    and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him.... a super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

 

20. A dwarf, who was a mystic, escaped from jail. The call went out that there was, a small medium at large.

[Gregmal]

The Arizona Coyotes have better attendance than the Toronto Maple Leafs.

[bizaro86]

The Arizona Coyotes have better attendance than the Toronto Maple Leafs.

 

12 months ago I would have given you 1000-1 odds that wouldn't be true.

[rkbabang]

[DynamicPerception]

WHAT CAUSES ARTHRITIS?

 

A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway next to a priest.

The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.

He opened his newspaper and began reading.

After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Say Father, what causes arthritis?"

The priest replies, "My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath."

The drunk muttered in response, "Well, I'll be damned." then returned to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"

The drunk answered, "I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."

[KFS]

 

Finally, an explanation that makes sense for Bezos resignation. 

 

https://www.theonion.com/then-you-ll-put-out-a-nice-press-release-stepping-down-1846189979

 

 

 

[rkbabang]

 

Finally, an explanation that makes sense for Bezos resignation. 

 

https://www.theonion.com/then-you-ll-put-out-a-nice-press-release-stepping-down-1846189979

 

:o   

 

And so it begins

[BG2008]

Chicken legs

 

[DynamicPerception]

Where Are Your Glasses?

 

Yesterday my daughter e-mailed me again, asking why I didn't do something useful with my time.

“Like sitting around the pool and drinking wine is not a good thing …”, I said.

Talking about my "doing-something-useful" seems to be her favorite topic of conversation.

She was "only thinking of me" she said and suggested I go down to the Senior Center and hang out with the guys.

I did this and when I got home last night, I decided to have some fun with her.

I e-mailed her and told her that I had joined a Parachute Club.

She replied, "Are you nuts? You are 73 years old and now you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?"

I told her that I even got a Membership Card and e-mailed a copy to her.

She immediately telephoned me,    "Good grief, where are your glasses!

This is a Membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club."

"Oh man, I'm in trouble again; I really don't know what to do … I signed up for five jumps a week!!"

The line went quiet and her friend picked up the phone and said that my daughter had fainted.

Life as a Senior Citizen is not getting any easier, but sometimes it can be fun.

 

[DynamicPerception]

Who needs excuses?

 

It was mealtime during a flight on a British Airways plane:

"Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked the man seated in the front row.

"What are my choices?" the man asked.

"Yes or no," she replied.

 

A lady was picking through the frozen Chickens at a Tesco store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.

She asked a passing assistant, "Do these Chickens get any bigger?"

The assistant replied, "I'm afraid not, they're dead."

 

The policeman got out of his car and the teenager he stopped for speeding rolled down his window.

"I've been waiting for you all day," the Cop said.

The kid replied, "Well I got here as fast as I could."

 

A truck driver was driving along on a country road.

A sign came up that read " Low Bridge Ahead."

Before he realised it, the bridge was directly ahead and he got stuck under it.

Cars were backed up for miles. Finally, a police car arrived.

The policeman got out of his car and walked to the truck's cab and said to the driver, "Got stuck, eh?"

The truck driver said, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of diesel!"