meiroy Posted March 29, 2020 Posted March 29, 2020 Donald Trump met with the Queen of England, and politely asked her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give me?" "Well," replied the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people." Trump frowned, and then asked, "But how do I know the people around you are really intelligent?" The Queen took a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy; you just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle." The Queen pushed a button on her intercom. "Please send Boris Johnson in here, would you?" The Prime Minster walked into the room and said, "Yes, Your Majesty?" The Queen smiled and said, "Answer me this, if you would, Boris. Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?" Without pausing for a moment, he answered, "That would be me." "Yes! Very good," said the Queen. Trump went back home to ask Mike Pence the same question. “ Mike, answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?" "I'm not sure," said Pence. "Let me get back to you on that one." He went to his advisers and asked everyone, but none could give him an answer. Finally, Pence ran in to his friend Jack Murphy in a restaurant the next night. Pence asked, "Jack, can you answer this for me? Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?" Jack Murphy answered right back, "That's easy, it's me!" Pence smiled, and said, "Thanks!" Pence then went back to speak with Trump. "Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle: It's my friend Jack Murphy!" Trump got up, stomped over to Pence, and angrily yelled, "No, you idiot! It's Boris Johnson!" This is the jokes thread LC, please don't post news here. Thanks.
LC Posted March 29, 2020 Posted March 29, 2020 Sorry - difficult to tell the difference these days ;D
drzola Posted March 29, 2020 Posted March 29, 2020 You are handed one dice to roll Your covid19 tester shouts out : Whats it gonna be Punk Huh? 1 = Nose 2= Throat 3 = Anus 4= penis 5= Vagina If patient is a male and rolls vagina = anus first then repeat test with same used swab in their own throat If patient is a female and rolls penis = anus first then repeat test with same used swab in their own throat.
DynamicPerception Posted March 29, 2020 Posted March 29, 2020 It was late July in Savannah, Georgia when I ran into Bill on an early Monday morning and even at this time of day it was very hot and humid. It was a little too dark to be wearing sunglasses this early so I asked him why he was wearing them? He took them off to show me his face. He looked like a racoon with two black eyes. I asked him "What happened?" Bill explained. He had attended the mid-afternnon service yesterday at his church. The ladies were all wearng their summer dresses and the men were dressed with summer suits. As they were kneeling in prayer Bill noticed the lady in front of him fussing with her dress which was sticking to her buttocks so being the gentleman that he was he reached forward and tugged on her dress pulling it free. The deeply offended young lady turned quickly and punched him in the eye. Well Bill, I said, that explains one black eye but you got two. He continued explaining that as the sermon went on it got very muggy, much worse than it was before. He realized that he had wronged the young lady. He waited for the next prayer when they were all kneeling once again. She was still fretting with her dress so he reached over and tucked her dress back in. Hence the second black eye.
Jurgis Posted March 31, 2020 Posted March 31, 2020 We got PapaGino's coupon for online pizza. Somehow I don't think online pizza is very filling.
LC Posted March 31, 2020 Posted March 31, 2020 On his 74th birthday, an old man received a gift certificate from his wife. The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction. After being persuaded to go, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man and wondered what he was in for. The old man handed a potion to him, and with a grip on his shoulder, warned, "This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoon and then say '1-2-3'." When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life and you can perform as long as you want." The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?" "Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,'" the medicine man responded, "but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon." The man was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he quickly took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!" Immediately, he was the manliest of men. His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes as she asked "What was the 1-2-3 for?" And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.
cubsfan Posted April 5, 2020 Posted April 5, 2020 It's a blessing being locked up with the wife for 3 weeks now. We've caught up on everything I've done wrong for the last 15 years.
merkhet Posted April 5, 2020 Posted April 5, 2020 It's a blessing being locked up with the wife for 3 weeks now. We've caught up on everything I've done wrong for the last 15 years. LOL
John Hjorth Posted April 5, 2020 Posted April 5, 2020 It's a blessing being locked up with the wife for 3 weeks now. We've caught up on everything I've done wrong for the last 15 years. LOL Thank you for sharing, Mike, [here, you're my kind of guy!] Pretty much the same here - space for improvement. [We really need to look at the bright side in this situation.]
cubsfan Posted April 5, 2020 Posted April 5, 2020 It's a blessing being locked up with the wife for 3 weeks now. We've caught up on everything I've done wrong for the last 15 years. LOL Thank you for sharing, Mike, [here, you're my kind of guy!] Pretty much the same here - space for improvement. [We really need to look at the bright side in this situation.] You bet John! We need some humor around this place. I've been thinking of asking my cop buddy if I could borrow his service revolver - so if you don't hear from me.....
LC Posted April 12, 2020 Posted April 12, 2020 A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just as it's going by. As he gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Impeccable timing. You're just like Frank." Passenger: "Who?" Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time." Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody." Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy." Passenger: "Sounds like he was really something special." Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman could do everything right.” Passenger: "Wow, what a guy!" Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman." Passenger: "How did you meet him?" Cabbie: "I never actually met Frank. He died and I married his wife."
LC Posted April 13, 2020 Posted April 13, 2020 The economy is so bad (how bad?)...so bad, that: My neighbor got a pre-declined credit card in the mail. CEO's are now playing miniature golf. Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen. I saw a Mormon with only one wife. McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer. Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America. Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names. A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico. A picture is now only worth 200 words. When Bill and Hillary travel together, they now have to share a room. The Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates. And, finally... I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Hotline. I got a call center in Afghanistan, and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck!
John Hjorth Posted April 13, 2020 Posted April 13, 2020 You're killing us, LC!, Please keep them coming! [ : - D ]
Spekulatius Posted April 13, 2020 Posted April 13, 2020 You're killing us, LC!, Please keep them coming! [ : - D ] LOL, the one of LC’s jokes sounds British.
LongHaul Posted April 13, 2020 Posted April 13, 2020 The economy is so bad (how bad?)...so bad, that: My neighbor got a pre-declined credit card in the mail. CEO's are now playing miniature golf. Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen. I saw a Mormon with only one wife. McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer. Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America. Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names. A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico. A picture is now only worth 200 words. When Bill and Hillary travel together, they now have to share a room. The Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates. And, finally... I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Hotline. I got a call center in Afghanistan, and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck! super funny!
cubsfan Posted April 13, 2020 Posted April 13, 2020 Rodney Dangerfield on drinking: My father was a workaholic.....oh, yea... you mention "work" and he got drunk.. I finally solved my drinking problem..you know...I joined Alcoholics Anonymous....I still drink, I just use a different name.. My problem is I drink to much..way too much.. I gave my doctor a urine specimen...and there was an olive in it... I'm never have luck in bars...I saw this sign, it said Topless and Bottomless... I went inside..and there was no one there....I never get lucky..
LC Posted April 13, 2020 Posted April 13, 2020 My problem is I drink to much..way too much.. I gave my doctor a urine specimen...and there was an olive in it... ;D Here's one: A teacher asked her students to share what their dads do for a living. Little Johnny says, "My dad's a stripper at a gay nightclub and he turns tricks in the alley way to earn extra money." The teacher was absolutely mortified and after class she pulls little Johnny aside and asks, "Johnny is your dad really a stripper at a gay night club?!" Little Johnny said, "No. He's actually a reporter for CNN but I was too ashamed to say that."
DynamicPerception Posted April 13, 2020 Posted April 13, 2020 My wife and I have decided that we don't want to have children. We will be telling them at dinner tonight.
cubsfan Posted April 13, 2020 Posted April 13, 2020 My wife and I have decided that we don't want to have children. We will be telling them at dinner tonight. They are getting better all the time! More Dangerfield on children: My kids, I got mean kids, the other day I told my kid "Some day, you'll have children of your own", He told me "So will you".. My daughter, she's no bargain either, she's been picked up so many times, she's starting to grow handles... Her friends call her Federal Express... when she goes to a guys apartment - she absolutely positively has to be there overnight...
rkbabang Posted April 14, 2020 Posted April 14, 2020 We've got a runner (make sure to watch full screen with sound) https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=64UJ2vhsG8k&feature=youtu.be
cubsfan Posted April 14, 2020 Posted April 14, 2020 Apologies way in advance for this one: oh, geez that is hilarious
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