I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.

[ERICOPOLY]

CANADIAN:  Let's watch a movie.

 

AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?

 

CANADIAN: What's that about?

 

AMERICAN:  Yes, it was. A huge one that sank.

 

So true.

[rkbabang]

CANADIAN:  Let's watch a movie.

 

AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?

 

CANADIAN: What's that about?

 

AMERICAN:  Yes, it was. A huge one that sank.

 

So true.

 

Listening to British people is even worse.  I was watching the British series "Bodyguard" on Netflix and it drove me crazy.  The main character's superior is a woman and he constantly called her Ma'am, but all I heard was "Yes Mom", "No Mom", "Thank you Mom", "Right away Mom", etc.  It was just so weird hearing him constantly call her Mom.

 

[John Hjorth]

This:

 

Wall Street Is the John

 

Johns create the demand (Wall Street keeps giving money to the drillers)

 

Please keep me out of this. [sorry, I couldn't help it.] [<- What smiley is appropriate here?]

 

Just keep creating the demand and we'll leave you alone.

 

socalled MA humor is soo relentless and harsh, that I'm now going to dig up that particular hurt feelings report posted somewhere by Jeff [DooDiligence], which will be filled and filed at Sanjeev!

 

- Just to give Sanjeev a good laugh, too ...!

[boilermaker75]

CANADIAN:  Let's watch a movie.

 

AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?

 

CANADIAN: What's that about?

 

AMERICAN:  Yes, it was. A huge one that sank.

 

So true.

 

Listening to British people is even worse.  I was watching the British series "Bodyguard" on Netflix and it drove me crazy.  The main character's superior is a woman and he constantly called her Ma'am, but all I heard was "Yes Mom", "No Mom", "Thank you Mom", "Right away Mom", etc.  It was just so weird hearing him constantly call her Mom.

 

Same if you watch Inspector Lewis.

[DooDiligence]

This:

 

Wall Street Is the John

 

Johns create the demand (Wall Street keeps giving money to the drillers)

 

Please keep me out of this. [sorry, I couldn't help it.] [<- What smiley is appropriate here?]

 

Just keep creating the demand and we'll leave you alone.

 

socalled MA humor is soo relentless and harsh, that I'm now going to dig up that particular hurt feelings report posted somewhere by Jeff [DooDiligence], which will be filled and filed at Sanjeev!

 

- Just to give Sanjeev a good laugh, too ...!

Hurt_Feelings_Report.pdf

[SmoothSailor]

Here's a conversation between a young daughter and her mother:

 

Daughter: Mommy, how old are you?

 

Mom: It's not polite to ask a woman her age!

 

Daughter: Mommy, how much do you weigh?

 

Mom: It's not polite to ask a woman how much she weighs!

 

Daughter: Mommy, how come you and Daddy got a divorce?

 

Mom: Someday when you're older, we can talk about it.

 

Daughter goes through mom's purse when mom isn't looking...

 

Daughter: Mommy I know how old you are, you're 32!

 

Mom: Yes, but how did you know?

 

Daughter: I saw it on your driver's license. I also know that you weigh 145lbs!

 

Mom: Yes... okay...

 

Daughter: And I know why daddy left you, because you got an F in sex!

[Jurgis]

https://www.technologyreview.com/s/612644/we-tried-teaching-an-ai-to-write-christmas-movie-plots-hilarity-ensued-eventually/

[DynamicPerception]

The bartender says "We don't serve time travellers in here."

A guy walks into a bar.

[DynamicPerception]

  Two obnoxious businessmen in a new shopping mall were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new shop.

As yet, the shop wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up.

One said to the other, "I bet any minute now some senior pensioner is going to walk by, put their face to the window, and ask what we're selling."

No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious old woman walked to the window, had a peek, and in a soft voice asked,

"What are you selling here?"

One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling ass-holes."

Without skipping a beat, the old dear said, "Must be doing well, only two left."

[rkbabang]

Mr Singh walks into a bank London and asks for the loan officer. He says he's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow £5000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so Mr Singh hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce, which costs quarter of a million pounds.

 

“The car is parked on the street in front of the bank,” says Mr Singh, “and I have all the necessary papers.”

 

The bank officer agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. After Mr Singh leaves, the loan officer, the bank's president and all their colleagues enjoy a good laugh at the man for using a £250,000 Rolls Royce as collateral against a £5,000 loan.

 

One of the employees drives the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later, Mr Singh returns, repays the £5000 and the interest, which comes to £15.41.

 

The loan officer says, "Sir, I must tell you, we’re all a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and discovered that you’re a multimillionaire. Why would you bother to borrow £5,000?"

 

The man replies, "Where else in London can I park my car for two weeks for only £15.41?"

[John Hjorth]

Today, I've had an exchange on Twitter with Gísly [CoBF member: Sportsgamma], that I consider worth repeating here :

 

Gísly:

 

There are two types of people in this world: People who finish what they start

 

<Please put in here some kind of amusement expressed by me>

 

After which I got

from Gísly.

[rkbabang]

The Devil shows up in a crowed church and everyone runs out screaming except one old man.

 

The Devil says to the man "Why don't you run? Aren't you afraid of me?"

 

The man replies, "Nope, I married your sister!"

 

[ERICOPOLY]

The teacher asks, "Flora, what part of the human body increases ten times when excited?" Flora blushes and says, "That's disgusting, I won't even answer that question." The teacher calls on Johnny: "What part of the human body increases ten times when excited?" "That's easy," says Johnny. "It's the pupil of the eye." "Very good, Johnny," responds the teacher. "That's correct." She then turns to Flora and says, "First, you didn't do your homework. Second, you have a dirty mind. And third, you're in for a BIG disappointment."

 

[DynamicPerception]

IT CAN BE HARD KEEPING A STRAIGHT FACE AS A COURT REPORTER

 

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things

people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published

by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges

were actually taking place.

 

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?

WITNESS: He said , 'Where am I, Cathy?'

ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?

WITNESS: My name is Susan!ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?

WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

 

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

WITNESS: I forget.

ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

 

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep,

          he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

 

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?

WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.

 

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?

WITNESS: Are you shitting me?

 

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?

WITNESS: Getting laid

 

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: How many were boys?

WITNESS: None.

ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney.

          Can I get a new attorney?

 

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?

WITNESS: By death..

ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

WITNESS: Take a guess.

 

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?

WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.

ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.

 

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition

          notice which I sent to your attorney?

WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

 

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead

          people?

WITNESS: All of them ... The live ones put up too much of a fight.

 

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?

WITNESS: Oral ...

 

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM

ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.

 

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?

 

And last:

 

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began

          the autopsy?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

[LC]

3 vampires are having a competition to prove who's the most vicious vampire among them.

 

The strongest one started 1st, "watch this," He said as he flies so fast, about 100 miles/hour. After only 10 minutes, he comes back with blood all over his mouth. "what happened?" they asked. "did you see that house over there?" "yes?" "well.. I killed the entire family and sucked the blood dry!" "wow!? fascinating, as expected from the strongest vampire"

 

Then the eldest one takes the next turn "watch and learn," he said as he flies even faster, about 120 miles/hour. After only 5 minutes, he comes back with blood all over his mouth and his neck. "what happened??" they asked. "did you see that village over there?" "ye..yes?" "well.. I killed every last person on that village and sucked the blood dry!" "wow!? magnificent! truly amazing, we can expect no less from the eldest one!"

 

Finally the last turn belongs to the fastest one, "don't blink or you'll miss it" he said as he flies really fast, even faster than the other two, about 140 miles/hour. After only a mere 30 seconds, he comes back with blood all over his mouth, his neck, and his nose. "wh..what happened???" they asked. "did you see that big ass tree over there?" "ye..yes?!" "well.. I didn't"

 

 

[DynamicPerception]

  As a bagpiper, I play many gigs.

Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man.

He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Kentucky back country.

  As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight.

There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.

  I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late.

I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place.

I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around.

I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends.

I played like I've never played before for this homeless man. and as

I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep.

They wept, I wept, we all wept together.

When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car.

Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

  As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say,

"I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

  Apparently I'm still lost....

[DooDiligence]

  As a bagpiper, I play many gigs.

Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man.

He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Kentucky back country.

  As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight.

There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.

  I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late.

I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place.

I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around.

I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends.

I played like I've never played before for this homeless man. and as

I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep.

They wept, I wept, we all wept together.

When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car.

Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

  As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say,

"I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

  Apparently I'm still lost....

 

;D ;D ;D ;D ;D

 

That one's going to be hard to top.

[Alekbaylee]

LMAO

Your moniker suits you well!  ;)

[John Hjorth]

XKCD on the basics of technical analysis [Please don't take it seriously or personally, ref. some ongoing discussion here on CoBF these days]:

 

 

[DooDiligence]

XKCD on the basics of technical analysis [Please don't take it seriously or personally, ref. some ongoing discussion here on CoBF these days]:

 

 

 

Didn't Peter Lynch call technical analysts "Wiggle Watchers"?

(I always thought that was funny.)

 

and then there's this,

 

"Technical analysis is to trading what astrology is to science"

 

from

 

https://www.fscomeau.com/why-technical-analysis-is-bullshit/

 

;)

[rkbabang]

XKCD on the basics of technical analysis [Please don't take it seriously or personally, ref. some ongoing discussion here on CoBF these days]:

 

 

 

Didn't Peter Lynch call technical analysts "Wiggle Watchers"?

(I always thought that was funny.)

 

and then there's this,

 

"Technical analysis is to trading what astrology is to science"

 

from

 

https://www.fscomeau.com/why-technical-analysis-is-bullshit/

 

;)

 

Humans are pattern seekers.  If you believe that patterns exist in the data, then you can easily convince yourself that you see them.  And humans are social creatures, so if other people tell you that there are patterns in the data, then you can easily convince yourself that you see them too.

No different than seeing Jesus on toast.

 

 

EDIT: The fascinating thing about technical analysis, is that if enough people believe that such and such a pattern means that the stock will go up and they start to buy, the stock will go up.  And conversely if enough people think that the stock will go down because of the pattern and thus they sell and/or short it, the stock will go down.  It has a self-fulfilling aspect to it.

[Liberty]

A man comes to the rabbi and complains about his life: "I have almost no money, my wife is a shrew, and we live in a small apartment with seven unruly kids. It's messy, it's noisy, it's smelly, and I don't want to live."

The rabbi says, "Buy a goat."

"What? I just told you there's hardly room for nine people, and it's messy as it is!"

"Look, you came for advice, so I'm giving you advice. Buy a goat and come back in a month."

In a month the man comes back and he is even more depressed: "It's gotten worse! The filthy goat breaks everything, and it stinks and makes more noise than my wife and seven kids! What should I do?"

The rabbi says, "Sell the goat."

A few days later the man returns to the rabbi, beaming with happiness: "Life is wonderful! We enjoy every minute of it now that there's no goat - only the nine of us. The kids are well-behaved, the wife is agreeable - and we even have some money!"

-- traditional Jewish joke

[rkbabang]

A man comes to the rabbi and complains about his life: "I have almost no money, my wife is a shrew, and we live in a small apartment with seven unruly kids. It's messy, it's noisy, it's smelly, and I don't want to live."

The rabbi says, "Buy a goat."

"What? I just told you there's hardly room for nine people, and it's messy as it is!"

"Look, you came for advice, so I'm giving you advice. Buy a goat and come back in a month."

In a month the man comes back and he is even more depressed: "It's gotten worse! The filthy goat breaks everything, and it stinks and makes more noise than my wife and seven kids! What should I do?"

The rabbi says, "Sell the goat."

A few days later the man returns to the rabbi, beaming with happiness: "Life is wonderful! We enjoy every minute of it now that there's no goat - only the nine of us. The kids are well-behaved, the wife is agreeable - and we even have some money!"

-- traditional Jewish joke

 

Great story, it is so true.  One day in 2012 I came home from work and my wife told me that she bought two goats on craigslist and they were being dropped off in about 20 minutes.  She wasn't kidding either.  I spent that 20 minutes clearing about a space in the barn for them (we had just moved into the house and the barn was a complete mess).    We had the goats for about two years then donated them to a local farm.  I really liked the goats, they were like pets.

But I also hated them as much as I liked them.  Only a goat owner could understand.  In the end we just had to get rid of them.

 

Attached is a photo of the goats shortly after we got them playing near the chicken-house, eating from the apple tree (that they would shortly kill) inside the electric fence that wouldn't even come close to keeping them in.

[Liberty]

Nice goats

[rkbabang]

Nice goats

 

Thanks, they were tough though.  They are incredibly smart and stubborn, two qualities that make it very tough to keep them.  That fence was my first attempt at keeping them in and it failed miserably.  I thought I could just put up some electric wires and that would hold them. Nope.  Then I drove posts into the ground and used a heavy gauge chicken wire.  They just climbed over it.  Then I put the electric fence on the inside of that fence, they tunneled under it.  Then I buried the wire fence 1 ft into the ground, but they pulled it out and got under it. Then I drove 6 foot steal re-bar every 2 ft and tied the wire to it.  That stopped them for the most part, but they still climbed out once in a while electric shocks be damned.  And the horse gate I had, they learned how to unlatch it with their mouth just by watching me, I had to put a spring loaded clip on the chain to make it secure.  It was a constant battle.  Sometimes they would refuse to go in at night and it would literally take hours.  Other times they were sweet and lovable and you could walk them around the neighborhood on leashes like dogs.  If they got mad at you though, they'd hold a grudge and not listen to you for days.  If they were angry at me, I'd have to have my wife put them out in the morning and bring them in at night. And when they were angry at her I'd have to do it. We had 30 chickens, 2 rabbits,  and a dog, which were all easy as can be, but the goats where just a constant headache.  They ate everything too.  All that grass and the trees you see inside that fenced area was completely gone the first summer.  Every time they got out they would demolish our vegetable garden and flower gardens.  As fun as they are at times, I wouldn't recommend anyone keep goats.