I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.

[boilermaker75]

On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed.

 

This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.

 

Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go.

 

It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what He'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.

 

Calmly, his wife handed him a bankbook, which showed more than thirty years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank, which were worth over $2 million, And informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank.

 

She explained that for more than three decades she had 'charged' him for sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments. 

 

Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out,  “If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!'

 

That's when she shot him.

 

[ERICOPOLY]

A string walks into a bar with a few friends and orders a beer. The bartender says, "I'm sorry, but we don't serve strings here."

 

The string goes back to his table. He ties himself in a loop and messes up the top of his hair. He walks back up to the bar and orders a beer.

 

The bartender squints at him and says, "Hey, aren't you a string?"

 

The string says, "Nope, I'm a frayed knot."

[ERICOPOLY]

West Virginia Custody Battle

 

An old mountaineer and his young ex-wife were fighting over custody of their children.

 

The mother protested that since she brought her kids into this world, she should retain custody of them.

 

The judge asked the old mountaineer for his side of the story.

 

After a long moment of silence, the mountaineer rose from his chair and asked, "Judge, when I put a quarter in a candy machine and a candy bar comes out, does it belong to me or the machine?"

[DynamicPerception]

Great signs.....with humor

 

Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:

"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."

 

In a Podiatrist's office:

"Time wounds all heels."

 

On a Septic Tank Truck:

Yesterday's Meals on Wheels

 

At an Optometrist's Office:

"If you don't see what you're looking for,

you've come to the right place."

 

On a Plumber's truck:

"We repair what your husband fixed."

 

On another Plumber's truck:

"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."

 

At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee :

"Invite us to your next blowout."

 

At a Towing company:

"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."

 

On an Electrician's truck:

"Let us remove your shorts."

 

In a Non-smoking Area:

"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."

 

On a Maternity Room door:

"Push. Push. Push."

 

At a Car Dealership:

"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."

 

Outside a Muffler Shop:

"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."

 

In a Veterinarian's waiting room:

"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

 

At the Electric Company

"We would be delighted if you send in your payment.

However, if you don't, you will be."

 

In a Restaurant window:

"Don't stand there and be hungry;

come on in and get fed up."

 

In the front yard of a Funeral Home:

"Drive carefully. We'll wait."

 

At a Propane Filling Station:

"Thank heaven for little grills."

 

And don't forget the sign at a

CHICAGO RADIATOR SHOP:

"Best place in town to take a leak."

 

And the best one for last............

Sign on the back of another Septic Tank Truck:

"Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises"

[boilermaker75]

A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, says she'll see him later and walks away.

 

His wife glares at him and says, "Who the hell was that?"

 

"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."

 

"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce."

 

"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it means that you don't get any more shopping trips to Paris , no more wintering in Barbados , no more summers in Tuscany , no more Ferraris and BMWs in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours."

 

Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm.

 

"Who's that woman with Jim?" asks the wife.

 

"That's his mistress," says her husband.

 

"Ours is prettier," she replies.

 

[Crip1]

A man walks into a Psychiatrist's office, wrapped head to toe in only clear Saran Wrap. The Psychiatrist looks at him and says "I can clearly see your nuts".

 

 

-Crip

 

[DynamicPerception]

One of my personal favourites. These are actual form entries.

 

                    Car Wreck Crack-Ups (22 Explanations)

 

  From time to time, some of us have had to describe, in a sentence or two on an insurance

  form, what caused a traffic mishap. Here's a list of one liners collected by a canadian

  company:

 

  1) Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.

 

  2) The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intentions.

 

  3) I thought my window was down, but found out it was up when I put my hand through it.

 

  4) I collided with a stationary truck comming the other way.

 

  5) A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.

 

  6) The guy was all over the road; I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.

 

  7) I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over

    the embankment.

 

  8) In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.

 

  9) I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had the

    accident.

 

10) I was on the way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way

    causing me to have an accident.

 

11) As I approached the intersection, a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop

    sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid an accident.

 

12) To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.

 

13) My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.

 

14) An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my vehicle and vanished.

 

15) I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat, I found thar I had

    a fractured skull.

 

16) I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I

    struck him.

 

17) The pedestrian had no idea which direction to run, so I ran over him.

 

18) I saw the slow-moving, sad faced old gentleman as he bounced off the hood of my car.

 

19) The indirect cause of this accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.

 

20) I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some

    dirty cows.

 

21) The telephone pole was approaching and I was attempting to swerve out of its way, when

    it struck my front end.

 

22) I was unable to stop in time and my car crashed into the other vehicle. The driver and

    passengers then left immediately for vacation with injuries.

[boilermaker75]

A white haired man walked into a jeweler's shop late one Friday, with a beautiful young lady on his side.

 

"I'm looking for a special ring for my girlfriend," he said.

 

The jeweler looks through his stock, and takes out an outstanding ring priced at $5,000.

 

"I don't think you understand ... I want something very unique," he said.

 

At that, the jeweler went and fetched his special stock from the safe.  "Here's one stunning ring at $40,000." 

 

The girls' eyes sparkled, and the man said that he would take it.

 

"How are you paying?"

 

"I'll pay by check."

 

The jeweler said, "You can write a check but you'll have to wait till Monday to pick up the ring so I can verify with the bank your account has enough to cover the $40,000."

 

Monday morning a very angry jeweler phones the man. "You bastard, you lied there's no money in that account."

 

"I know, but can you imagine what a fantastic weekend I had?”

 

[Partner24]

lol

[boilermaker75]

A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game? The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vise versa."

 

Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep.

 

The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00."

 

This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.

 

The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"

 

The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer. "Okay," says the lawyer, "your turn".

 

She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?"

 

The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mail to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500.00.

 

The blonde says, "Thank you," and turns back to get some more sleep.

 

The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?"

 

Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.

 

[DynamicPerception]

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important

meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said,

"Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass

every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!"

 

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

 

Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."

[John Hjorth]

How many posters does it take to change a light bulb in cyberspace?

1 to successfully change the light bulb and to post to the message board that the light bulb has been changed.

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently or more efficiently.

7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.

27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs.

53 to flame the spell checkers.

 

156 to write to the board administrator complaining about the light bulb discussion and its inappropriateness to this message board.

 

41 to correct spelling in the spelling/grammar flames.

 

109 to post that this board is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a more appropriate location.

 

203 to demand that posts about changing light bulbs be stopped or deleted! "We are here to talk about widgets!"

 

111 to defend the posting to this board, saying that, "We all use light bulbs & therefore the posts ARE relevant to this board."

 

306 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brands of light bulbs work best for these

technique, and what brands are faulty.

 

102 to flame those whose suggestions/techniques differ from their own.

 

204 to flame the flamers claiming that "We are all entitled to our own opinions!"

 

112 to post that "some posters seem to be AGAINST certain brands of light bulbs, no matter how they work in different situations or in different lamps.

"Sometimes, it's the lamp's fault, not the bulb, so don't always blame the bulb."

 

193 to post that they are "offended by posters who seem to gleefully slam others favorite brands of light bulbs."

 

42 to post that "It isn't nice to say mean things about certain brand names. After all, CEOs of big manufacturing companies are people too & have feelings."

 

99 to post urgent messages begging everyone to calm down and be peaceful & respectful.

 

112 to post in the discussion that the discussion is stupid.

 

83 to post that posters enjoying the discussion should ignore confrontational posters & those who are not interested in light bulbs can post somewhere else.

 

27 to post URLs where one can see examples of different light bulbs.

 

14 to post that the URLs were posted incorrectly and to post corrected URLs.

 

3 to post about links they found from the URLs that are relevant to this discussion.

 

33 to review all posts to date, then quote them, including all headers & footers.

 

12 to post to the board that they are quitting because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy.

 

19 to complain that their posts disappeared.

 

4 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ.

 

1 to propose new lite.bulb message board for those who want to continue the light bulb discussion.

 

47 to say that this is just what this board was meant for, leave the discussion here.

 

8 to post their opinions on the controversy long after most of the light bulb fuss has died down.

 

10 to post that the discussion is none of their business because they came too late to add anything relevant.

 

4 to post that they are new and would like some background info on the light bulb brouhaha.

 

409 to post that they don't really want to know. It's all too silly to go into, but welcome to the board!

 

143 votes for a lite.bulb message board.

 

38 votes proclaiming the advantages in using vintage light bulbs.

 

409 to protest that there is "NO NEED to start up the discussion AGAIN!! PLEASE STOP THE MADNESS!"

 

1 to challenge all those posters who claim to want to end it once and for all to "IGNORE any future posts on this topic. Then, those disgruntled troublemakers who can't just LET THIS GO, will eventually give up."

 

1048 post promises to drop the light bulb debate.

[rkbabang]

This morning my friend lucked out and was able to buy several cases of ammo.

 

On the way home he stopped at the gas station where a drop-dead gorgeous blonde was filling up her car at the next pump.

 

She looked at the ammo in the back of his pickup truck and said in a very sexy voice, “I’m a big believer in barter. Would you be interested in trading sex for ammo?”

 

He thought a few seconds and asked, “What kinda ammo ya got?”

[boilermaker75]

A man has to go on another long, dull business trip. He sits down in his cramped seat on the plane. Then he sees the most beautiful women he has ever laid eyes on walking down the aisle. There eyes meet and she smiles. This must be his lucky day, her seat is right next to his!

 

They start talking and he asks her if this is a business trip or vacation. She tells him she is headed to a conference. She does research on human sexuality and she is making a presentation. She has done statistical studies of men related to their physical attributes and performance in bed. She has found that Native Americans are the longest, Polish men have the largest diameters, but the American red-neck is the best performer.

 

She starts to blush and says, “I am telling you all this and I don’t even know your name.”

 

Thinking quickly he responds, “My name is Tonto Janikowski, but my friends call me Bubba!”

 

[DynamicPerception]

Italian Secret to a Long Marriage

 

At  St. Peter's Roman Catholic Church in New York they have weekly

husbands' Marriage Seminars.

 

At the session last week, the priest asked Giuseppe, an Italian

immigrant who had lived in New York for many years, and was

approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes

and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to

the same woman all these years.

 

Giuseppe replied to the assembled husbands, 'Wella, I'va tried to

treat her nicea, spenda DA money on her, but besta of all is,

I tooka her to Italy for the 25th anniversary!'

 

The priest responded, 'Giuseppe, you are an amazing inspiration to

all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your

wife for your 50th anniversary?'

 

Giuseppe proudly replied, " I gonna go pick her up."

[randomep]

A man walks into a Psychiatrist's office, wrapped head to toe in only clear Saran Wrap. The Psychiatrist looks at him and says "I can clearly see your nuts".

 

 

-Crip

 

I am sorry to say this but this is got to be the worst joke here :)

:) :) :) :)

[boilermaker75]

When things in your life seem almost too much to handle, when 24 hours in a day are not enough, remember the mayonnaise jar and the beer.

 

A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly, he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls.

 

He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was.

 

So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full.

 

They agreed it was.

 

The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar was full.

 

The students responded with a unanimous "yes."

 

The professor then produced two cans of beer from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar, effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed.

 

"Now," said the professor, as the laughter subsided, "I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the important things--your family, your children, your health, your friends, your favorite passions- things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full. The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, your car. The sand is everything else--the small stuff."

 

"If you put the sand into the jar first," he continued, "there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you. Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your partner out to dinner. Play another 18. There will always be time to clean the house, and fix the disposal. Take care of the golf balls first, the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand."

 

One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the beer represented.

 

The professor smiled. "I'm glad you asked. It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of beers."

 

[Jurgis]

A man walks into a Psychiatrist's office, wrapped head to toe in only clear Saran Wrap. The Psychiatrist looks at him and says "I can clearly see your nuts".

 

 

-Crip

 

I am sorry to say this but this is got to be the worst joke here :)

:) :) :) :)

 

And I thought that jokes about German sausages are the wurst.

[boilermaker75]

A man walks into a Psychiatrist's office, wrapped head to toe in only clear Saran Wrap. The Psychiatrist looks at him and says "I can clearly see your nuts".

 

 

-Crip

 

I am sorry to say this but this is got to be the worst joke here :)

:) :) :) :)

 

And I thought that jokes about German sausages are the wurst.

 

LOL

[LC]

A man walks into a Psychiatrist's office, wrapped head to toe in only clear Saran Wrap. The Psychiatrist looks at him and says "I can clearly see your nuts".

 

 

-Crip

 

I am sorry to say this but this is got to be the worst joke here :)

:) :) :) :)

 

Did you hear about the kidnapping in Virginia? Don't worry, he woke up.

[Greg]

A man walks into a Psychiatrist's office, wrapped head to toe in only clear Saran Wrap. The Psychiatrist looks at him and says "I can clearly see your nuts".

 

 

-Crip

 

Great joke. Like a surrealistic painting.

[DynamicPerception]

  A police officer pulls over a speeding car.

  The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."

  The driver says, "Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60,

  perhaps your radar needs calibrating."

  Not looking up from her knitting the wife says sweetly from the

  passenger seat, "Now don't be silly, dear, you know that this car

  doesn't have cruise control."

  As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at

  his wife and growls, "Can't you keep your mouth shut for once?"

  The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your

  radar detector went off when it did." As the officer makes out

  the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man

  glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Darn it,

  woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?!"

  The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not

  wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine."

  The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but

  took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my

  license out of my back pocket."

  The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't

  have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when

  you're driving."

  And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the

  driver turns to his wife and barks,

  "FOR THE LAST TIME WOMAN, WHY DON'T YOU SHUT UP?!"

  The officer looks over at the woman and asks,

  "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"

  WAIT FOR IT............

  WAIT FOR IT............

  WAIT FOR IT............

  " Oh, heavens no, officer. Only when he's been drinking."

[Sportgamma]

A fundamental analyst and a technical analyst are having cake. They are in heated debate when the TA accidentally hits the knife, causing it to fall off the table and into the foot of the FA.

 

"Why didn't you catch it?!" the FA cries out.

 

"I don't catch falling knives!" the TA replies.  "Why didn't you?"

 

"I didn't think it would fall that low!"

[LC]

Do you know why the Amish girl was excommunicated? 2 mennanite

[DynamicPerception]

    It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years

  of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the

  same neighborhood.

 

    When he arrived at the first house on his route he was

  greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him

  and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.

 

    At the second house they presented him with a box of

  fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a

  selection of terrific fishing lures.

 

    At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly

  beautiful Blonde in a revealing negligee. She took him by

  the hand, gently led him through the door, and led him up

  the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the

  most passionate love he had ever experienced.

 

    When he had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed

  him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage,

  blueberry waffles, and freshly squeezed orange juice. When

  he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming

  coffee.

 

    As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out

  from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too

  wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"

 

    "Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today

  would be your last day, and that we should do something special

  for you. I asked him what to give you."

 

    He said, "Screw him, give him a dollar."

 

    The "Blonde" then said, "The breakfast was my idea."