doughishere Posted June 23, 2016 Author Posted June 23, 2016 Four United States Presidents get caught up in a tornado ... and off they are whirled to the land of Oz. They finally make it to the Emerald City and went to find the Great Wizard. What brings the 4 of you before the great Wizard of Oz? Jimmy Carter stepped forward timidly and said, “I've come for some courage.” “No Problem!” said the Wizard, ”Who's next?” Richard Nixon stepped forward, “Well, I think I need a heart.” “Done!” says the Wizard. “Who comes next before the Great and Powerful Oz?” Up stepped George Bush and said, “I'm told by the American people that I need a brain.” “No problem!” said the Wizard. “Consider it done.” Then there was a great silence in the hall. Bill Clinton is just standing there, looking around, but he doesn't say a word. Irritated, the Wizard finally asks, “Well, what do you want?” “Is Dorothy here?” Slick Willy.
Eye4Valu Posted June 23, 2016 Posted June 23, 2016 I have a golf ball with Bill's face on it that says underneath "a good lie everytime." Although that of course is not true since some of Bill's lies were hilarious. "I smoked, but I didn't inhale." That may be true of a cigar. I guess Bill has another use for that though!
boilermaker75 Posted June 24, 2016 Posted June 24, 2016 A young priest arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other priest in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand. He notices, however, that all of the priests are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new priest goes to the Bishop to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies. The Bishop says, “We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son.” The Bishop goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go by and nobody sees the old Bishop. So, the young priest gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing, “We missed the R! We missed the R! We missed the R!” His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably. The young priest asks the old Bishop, “What's wrong, father?” With a choking voice, the old Bishop replies, “The word was... “CELEBRATE!!!”
rkbabang Posted June 24, 2016 Posted June 24, 2016 It appears that as of today the EU has 1 GB of free space.
rkbabang Posted June 24, 2016 Posted June 24, 2016 An Astronomer, a Mathematician, and a Physicist were on a train. They just crossed the border into Scotland, when the Astronomer looked out of the window and saw 3 black sheep on the side of a hill. He said to the others "Look at that sheep are black in Scotland" The Physicist laughed and shook his head "No, no, no, my friend," replied the Physicist, "Some Scottish sheep are black." At which point the Mathematician looked up from his paper and glanced out the window. After a few second's thought he said blandly: "In Scotland, there exists at least one hill, upon which there exists at least three sheep, each having at least one black side."
doughishere Posted June 24, 2016 Author Posted June 24, 2016 It appears that as of today the EU has 1 GB of free space. My response is attached.
boilermaker75 Posted June 25, 2016 Posted June 25, 2016 A mother is driving her little girl to her friend's house for a play date. ' Mommy,' the little girl asks, 'how old are you?' 'Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,' the mother replied. 'It's not polite.' 'OK', the little girl says, 'How much do you weigh?' 'Now really,' the mother says, 'those are personal questions and are really none of your business.' Undaunted, the little girl asks, 'Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?' 'That's enough questions, young lady! Honestly!' The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play. ' My Mom won't tell me anything about her,' the little girl says to her friend. 'Well,' says the friend, 'all you need to do is look at her driver's license. It's like a report card, it has everything on it.' Later that night the little girl says to her mother, 'I know how old you are. You are 32.' The mother is surprised and asks, 'How did you find that out? 'I also know that you weigh 130 pounds.' The mother is past surprised and shocked now. 'How in Heaven's name did you find that out?' 'And,' the little girl says triumphantly, 'I know why you and daddy got a divorce.' 'Oh really?' the mother asks. 'Why?' 'Because you got an F in sex.'
Partner24 Posted June 25, 2016 Posted June 25, 2016 Again a terrific joke! Aahahahah thank you very much! ;D An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week." The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want." Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, I'll stay with you for a week, and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The engineer said, "Look I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool!"
randomep Posted June 25, 2016 Posted June 25, 2016 writser, funny stuff! This is the actual radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995. Radio conversation released by the chief of naval operations, 10-10-95. CANADIANS: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision. AMERICANS: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the north to avoid a collision. CANADIANS: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision. AMERICANS: This is the captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course. CANADIANS: No, I say again, you divert YOUR course. AMERICANS: This is the Aircraft Carrier US LINCOLN, the second largest ship in the United States Atlantic Fleet. We are accompanied with three Destroyers, three Cruisers and numerous support vessels. I DEMAND that you change your course 15 degrees north. I say again, that's one-five degrees north, or counter-measures will be undertaken to ensure the safety of this ship. CANADIANS: This is a lighthouse. Your call. Haha! Radio Conversation with an SR71. http://oppositelock.kinja.com/favorite-sr-71-story-1079127041 thanks for the SR71 story, also I heard that Canadian lighthouse story many times, but wondered if it was true, looks like it is and I am so proud of my countrymen.
John Hjorth Posted June 25, 2016 Posted June 25, 2016 Please accept my apology for posting outside the scope of the topic scope here, Dough. Please delete the quote of my post in your commenting to my post, now deleted, to retain the tone and the scope of this topic. Sorry to all by not doing my homework of reading the topic title properly.
doughishere Posted June 25, 2016 Author Posted June 25, 2016 Please accept my apology for posting outside the scope of the topic scope here, Dough. Please delete the quote of my post in your commenting to my post, now deleted, to retain the tone and the scope of this topic. Sorry to all by not doing my homework of reading the topic title properly. No worries! Perhaps I should have explained my intent a little bit better...I dont want to become this guy. To all who enter, Lets try and keep current politics out of this thread, I know some of them have strayed close to the line maybe a bit over but I just dont want this to become uncivil. My intentions were to have a thread that is positive and one where people arnt making jokes at the expense of others pride. I see too much of that online and in my circles these days. I really just want people to get some endorphins flowing and to feel good. http://www.nytimes.com/2011/09/14/science/14laughter.html
Guest longinvestor Posted June 25, 2016 Posted June 25, 2016 A sexy female TV reporter with big boobs is interviewing a farmer, seeking to get an understanding of the mad cow disease. Lady: Sir,what do you think are the causes of the mad cow disease? Farmer: Do you know that the bull screws a cow only once a year? Lady: (embarrassed), Well, that's an interesting piece of information but what's that got to do with the mad cow disease? Farmer: Well, madam, do you know that we milk the cow twice a day? Lady: (really blushing). Sir, can we get to the question of what causes the mad cow disease?!! Farmer: (Staring at her boobs) I'm getting to the point ma'am. If I was playing with your boobs twice a day and screwing only once a year, won't you get mad?
boilermaker75 Posted June 26, 2016 Posted June 26, 2016 After the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer. The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey Senor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him. The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one. The guy from Coors says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it. The guy from Guinness sits down and says, "Give me a Coke." The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered. The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask "Why aren't you drinking a Guinness?" and the Guinness president replies, "Well, I figured if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither would I.
DynamicPerception Posted June 27, 2016 Posted June 27, 2016 dougishere, good one! As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Kentucky back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play. The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man. And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full. As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years." Apparently I'm still lost....
boilermaker75 Posted June 28, 2016 Posted June 28, 2016 An elderly gent was invited to an old friends' home for dinner one evening. He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms such as: 'Honey,' 'My Love,' 'Darling,' 'Sweetheart,' 'Pumpkin,' etc. The couple had been married almost 60 years and, clearly, they were still very much in love. While the wife was in the kitchen, the man leaned over and said to his host, 'I think it's wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your wife those loving pet names.' The old man hung his head. 'I have to tell you the truth,' he said. 'Her name slipped my mind about 10 years ago, and I'm scared to death to ask her what it is!'
bobp Posted June 28, 2016 Posted June 28, 2016 A traveling salesman pulls up to a farm house. As he approaches the front door a pig runs by with three legs, missing one ear, and a chunk out of his side. The farmer comes to the door and the salesman says,, " Sir first off what happened to your pig?" The farmer says, " Mister that's one special pig! Few months ago we had a fire in the house at night. That pig broke the front door down, ran upstairs and woke the whole family." "Oh so he got hurt in the fire?" "Nope" "So what happened to him?" Farmer - "Short while after that I went hunting. Came upon a bear and he attacked me. That pig came running at the bear squeeling and chased the bear away." "Oh so he got mauled by the Bear? "Nope" " So what happened to the pig?" "Well there was an earthquake and that pig..." Salesman - "Wait a minute. I just want to know what happened to his leg, his side and his ear!" " Mister that's one special pig! Pig like that you don't just eat all at once"
tede02 Posted June 28, 2016 Posted June 28, 2016 Cheesy Brexit joke: A Scot, Englishman and Northern Irishman walk into a bar. But then they all had to go because the Englishman wanted to leave. ::)
matjone Posted June 28, 2016 Posted June 28, 2016 16:40 http://comediansincarsgettingcoffee.com/ali-wentworth-im-going-to-take-a-percocet-and-let-that-one-go
Williams406 Posted June 28, 2016 Posted June 28, 2016 Sean and Niall reluctantly shuffle up to their dead friend and colleague's door to deliver the bad news. "Siobhan, we're sorry to have to tell you that Seamus died today at the Guinness brewery during his shift." After sobbing uncontrollably for five minutes, the widow asked what happened. "He was found floating in a vat of Guinness." Did he at least die quickly? she wondered, hoping for some small comfort. "Well...he did get out to pee three times."
rkbabang Posted June 29, 2016 Posted June 29, 2016 More Brexit humor in a short clip from Seinfeld. https://www.facebook.com/GetCafe/videos/1646505489005671/
DynamicPerception Posted June 29, 2016 Posted June 29, 2016 These are classified ads, which were actually placed in U.K. Newspapers: FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 years old, Hateful little bastard. Bites! FREE PUPPIES 1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog. FREE PUPPIES. Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd. Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound. JOINING NUDIST COLONY! Must sell washer and dryer £100. WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE. Worn once by mistake. Call Stephanie. And the WINNER is... FOR SALE BY OWNER. Complete set of Encyclopaedia Britannica, 45 volumes. Excellent condition, £200 or best offer. No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything. (Statement of the Century) Thought from the Greatest Living Scottish Thinker--Billy Connolly. "If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking, How come they can't have a headache and sex at the same time?" Children Are Quick TEACHER: Why are you late? STUDENT: Class started before I got here. TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor? JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables. TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?' GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L' TEACHER: No, that's wrong GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it. (I Love this child) TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water? DONALD: H I J K L M N O. TEACHER: What are you talking about? DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O. TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago. WINNIE: Me! TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty? GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are. TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with 'I.' MILLIE: I is. TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.' MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.' TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him? LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand..... TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating? SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook. TEACHER: Clyde, your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's.. Did you copy his? CLYDE: No, sir. It's the same dog. (I want to adopt this kid!!!) TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested? HAROLD: A teacher.
Crip1 Posted June 30, 2016 Posted June 30, 2016 A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says to him "Hey, buddy, why the long face?" -Crip
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