I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.

[rkbabang]

I'll just leave this here. I disagree that they are "as clever" as dogs, they are far more clever.

 

Goats are as loving and clever as dogs

https://www.telegraph.co.uk/science/2016/07/06/goats-are-as-loving-and-clever-as-dogs-say-smitten-scientists/

 

Crap  :-\

 

Goats, cows & pigs are friggin' delicious but I couldn't eat a friend.

 

Might have to go to chicken only.

 

Please don't post a lovable chicken link.

 

Chickens are great!  Our chickens used to jump on our laps and follow us around.  One of them was so lovable my kids used to call her lovebird.  If you raise them as chicks and hold them a lot they grow up liking to be held.  When you get them a little older they just run away from people.  All animals have "personalities". If it makes you feel better there was one chicken we had that was such a jerk we hated her and all the other chickens did too.  She was a bully and would boss all the others around.  The other chickens eventually rebelled.  One morning we found Ofelia (that was her name) with no feathers, because all of the other chickens had plucked her nude overnight.  Then they started not letting her in the chicken house, there was always at least 2 chickens guarding the entrance 24/7 so that she couldn't get in.  She would go into the woods to sleep outside and we'd try to find her before dark and put her in the chicken house.  One day we couldn't find her and we never saw her again. 

 

[DooDiligence]

I'll just leave this here. I disagree that they are "as clever" as dogs, they are far more clever.

 

Goats are as loving and clever as dogs

https://www.telegraph.co.uk/science/2016/07/06/goats-are-as-loving-and-clever-as-dogs-say-smitten-scientists/

 

Crap  :-\

 

Goats, cows & pigs are friggin' delicious but I couldn't eat a friend.

 

Might have to go to chicken only.

 

Please don't post a lovable chicken link.

 

Chickens are great!  Our chickens used to jump on our laps and follow us around.  One of them was so lovable my kids used to call her lovebird.  If you raise them as chicks and hold them a lot they grow up liking to be held.  When you get them a little older they just run away from people.  All animals have "personalities". If it makes you feel better there was one chicken we had that was such a jerk we hated her and all the other chickens did too.  She was a bully and would boss all the others around.  The other chickens eventually rebelled.  One morning we found Ofelia (that was her name) with no feathers, because all of the other chickens had plucked her nude overnight.  Then they started not letting her in the chicken house, there was always at least 2 chickens guarding the entrance 24/7 so that she couldn't get in.  She would go into the woods to sleep outside and we'd try to find her before dark and put her in the chicken house.  One day we couldn't find her and we never saw her again.

 

Jeez, a guy could starve to death.

 

http://www.eatplantsdrinkbeer.com/readup/2017/9/7/plants-have-feelings-too

 

Does anyone have an opinion on whether dirt is cute?

[rkbabang]

I'll just leave this here. I disagree that they are "as clever" as dogs, they are far more clever.

 

Goats are as loving and clever as dogs

https://www.telegraph.co.uk/science/2016/07/06/goats-are-as-loving-and-clever-as-dogs-say-smitten-scientists/

 

Crap  :-\

 

Goats, cows & pigs are friggin' delicious but I couldn't eat a friend.

 

Might have to go to chicken only.

 

Please don't post a lovable chicken link.

 

Chickens are great!  Our chickens used to jump on our laps and follow us around.  One of them was so lovable my kids used to call her lovebird.  If you raise them as chicks and hold them a lot they grow up liking to be held.  When you get them a little older they just run away from people.  All animals have "personalities". If it makes you feel better there was one chicken we had that was such a jerk we hated her and all the other chickens did too.  She was a bully and would boss all the others around.  The other chickens eventually rebelled.  One morning we found Ofelia (that was her name) with no feathers, because all of the other chickens had plucked her nude overnight.  Then they started not letting her in the chicken house, there was always at least 2 chickens guarding the entrance 24/7 so that she couldn't get in.  She would go into the woods to sleep outside and we'd try to find her before dark and put her in the chicken house.  One day we couldn't find her and we never saw her again.

 

Jeez, a guy could starve to death.

 

http://www.eatplantsdrinkbeer.com/readup/2017/9/7/plants-have-feelings-too

 

Does anyone have an opinion on whether dirt is cute?

 

To live is to kill.

 

IKEA conducts bullying experiment on plants — the results are shocking

https://globalnews.ca/news/4217594/bully-a-plant-ikea/

 

[DooDiligence]

I'll just leave this here. I disagree that they are "as clever" as dogs, they are far more clever.

 

Goats are as loving and clever as dogs

https://www.telegraph.co.uk/science/2016/07/06/goats-are-as-loving-and-clever-as-dogs-say-smitten-scientists/

 

Crap  :-\

 

Goats, cows & pigs are friggin' delicious but I couldn't eat a friend.

 

Might have to go to chicken only.

 

Please don't post a lovable chicken link.

 

Chickens are great!  Our chickens used to jump on our laps and follow us around.  One of them was so lovable my kids used to call her lovebird.  If you raise them as chicks and hold them a lot they grow up liking to be held.  When you get them a little older they just run away from people.  All animals have "personalities". If it makes you feel better there was one chicken we had that was such a jerk we hated her and all the other chickens did too.  She was a bully and would boss all the others around.  The other chickens eventually rebelled.  One morning we found Ofelia (that was her name) with no feathers, because all of the other chickens had plucked her nude overnight.  Then they started not letting her in the chicken house, there was always at least 2 chickens guarding the entrance 24/7 so that she couldn't get in.  She would go into the woods to sleep outside and we'd try to find her before dark and put her in the chicken house.  One day we couldn't find her and we never saw her again.

 

Jeez, a guy could starve to death.

 

http://www.eatplantsdrinkbeer.com/readup/2017/9/7/plants-have-feelings-too

 

Does anyone have an opinion on whether dirt is cute?

 

To live is to kill.

 

IKEA conducts bullying experiment on plants — the results are shocking

https://globalnews.ca/news/4217594/bully-a-plant-ikea/

 

Screw it, I'm making bacon cheeseburgers tonight.

[rkbabang]

I'll just leave this here. I disagree that they are "as clever" as dogs, they are far more clever.

 

Goats are as loving and clever as dogs

https://www.telegraph.co.uk/science/2016/07/06/goats-are-as-loving-and-clever-as-dogs-say-smitten-scientists/

 

Crap  :-\

 

Goats, cows & pigs are friggin' delicious but I couldn't eat a friend.

 

Might have to go to chicken only.

 

Please don't post a lovable chicken link.

 

Chickens are great!  Our chickens used to jump on our laps and follow us around.  One of them was so lovable my kids used to call her lovebird.  If you raise them as chicks and hold them a lot they grow up liking to be held.  When you get them a little older they just run away from people.  All animals have "personalities". If it makes you feel better there was one chicken we had that was such a jerk we hated her and all the other chickens did too.  She was a bully and would boss all the others around.  The other chickens eventually rebelled.  One morning we found Ofelia (that was her name) with no feathers, because all of the other chickens had plucked her nude overnight.  Then they started not letting her in the chicken house, there was always at least 2 chickens guarding the entrance 24/7 so that she couldn't get in.  She would go into the woods to sleep outside and we'd try to find her before dark and put her in the chicken house.  One day we couldn't find her and we never saw her again.

 

Jeez, a guy could starve to death.

 

http://www.eatplantsdrinkbeer.com/readup/2017/9/7/plants-have-feelings-too

 

Does anyone have an opinion on whether dirt is cute?

 

To live is to kill.

 

IKEA conducts bullying experiment on plants — the results are shocking

https://globalnews.ca/news/4217594/bully-a-plant-ikea/

 

Screw it, I'm making bacon cheeseburgers tonight.

 

Me too!  Only I'm going to throw a fried egg on mine in memory of Ofelia .

 

[DooDiligence]

I'll just leave this here. I disagree that they are "as clever" as dogs, they are far more clever.

 

Goats are as loving and clever as dogs

https://www.telegraph.co.uk/science/2016/07/06/goats-are-as-loving-and-clever-as-dogs-say-smitten-scientists/

 

Crap  :-\

 

Goats, cows & pigs are friggin' delicious but I couldn't eat a friend.

 

Might have to go to chicken only.

 

Please don't post a lovable chicken link.

 

Chickens are great!  Our chickens used to jump on our laps and follow us around.  One of them was so lovable my kids used to call her lovebird.  If you raise them as chicks and hold them a lot they grow up liking to be held.  When you get them a little older they just run away from people.  All animals have "personalities". If it makes you feel better there was one chicken we had that was such a jerk we hated her and all the other chickens did too.  She was a bully and would boss all the others around.  The other chickens eventually rebelled.  One morning we found Ofelia (that was her name) with no feathers, because all of the other chickens had plucked her nude overnight.  Then they started not letting her in the chicken house, there was always at least 2 chickens guarding the entrance 24/7 so that she couldn't get in.  She would go into the woods to sleep outside and we'd try to find her before dark and put her in the chicken house.  One day we couldn't find her and we never saw her again.

 

Jeez, a guy could starve to death.

 

http://www.eatplantsdrinkbeer.com/readup/2017/9/7/plants-have-feelings-too

 

Does anyone have an opinion on whether dirt is cute?

 

To live is to kill.

 

IKEA conducts bullying experiment on plants — the results are shocking

https://globalnews.ca/news/4217594/bully-a-plant-ikea/

 

Screw it, I'm making bacon cheeseburgers tonight.

 

Me too!  Only I'm going to throw a fried egg on mine in memory of Ofelia .

 

;D ;D ;D

[Spekulatius]

Some people like their thuna with a bit dolphin meat mixed in.

 

If it makes you feel better there was one chicken we had that was such a jerk we hated her and all the other chickens did too.  She was a bully and would boss all the others around.

 

Jerky chicken is great.

 

I had some persistent coldcaller a while ago who  wanted to drum up some funding for animal rights. Nothing really wrong with this, but I hate persistent cold calls. She asked me if I liked animals or not. I told her, it depend on how they taste like. That was the last cold call I got from her.

[rkbabang]

Some people like their thuna with a bit dolphin meat mixed in.

 

If it makes you feel better there was one chicken we had that was such a jerk we hated her and all the other chickens did too.  She was a bully and would boss all the others around.

 

Jerky chicken is great.

 

I had some persistent coldcaller a while ago who  wanted to drum up some funding for animal rights. Nothing really wrong with this, but I hate persistent cold calls. She asked me if I liked animals or not. I told her, it depend on how they taste like. That was the last cold call I got from her.

 

I love animals.  Just about anything taste good on the grill.

 

I always wanted to tell a Jehovah Witness when they come to my door that I worship the Dark Lord Satan, but they are always so friendly I can never bring myself to do it.

 

[DooDiligence]

Some people like their thuna with a bit dolphin meat mixed in.

 

If it makes you feel better there was one chicken we had that was such a jerk we hated her and all the other chickens did too.  She was a bully and would boss all the others around.

 

Jerky chicken is great.

 

I had some persistent coldcaller a while ago who  wanted to drum up some funding for animal rights. Nothing really wrong with this, but I hate persistent cold calls. She asked me if I liked animals or not. I told her, it depend on how they taste like. That was the last cold call I got from her.

 

I love animals.  Just about anything taste good on the grill.

 

I always wanted to tell a Jehovah Witness when they come to my door that I worship the Dark Lord Satan, but they are always so friendly I can never bring myself to do it.

 

I tell them I'm Catholic, which is the same thing I tell evangelicals.

 

I get evangelicals in my neighborhood A LOT & the look of pity on their faces when I say this is priceless.

 

They may have my house targeted because of this.

 

:D

[rkbabang]

Some people like their thuna with a bit dolphin meat mixed in.

 

If it makes you feel better there was one chicken we had that was such a jerk we hated her and all the other chickens did too.  She was a bully and would boss all the others around.

 

Jerky chicken is great.

 

I had some persistent coldcaller a while ago who  wanted to drum up some funding for animal rights. Nothing really wrong with this, but I hate persistent cold calls. She asked me if I liked animals or not. I told her, it depend on how they taste like. That was the last cold call I got from her.

 

I love animals.  Just about anything taste good on the grill.

 

I always wanted to tell a Jehovah Witness when they come to my door that I worship the Dark Lord Satan, but they are always so friendly I can never bring myself to do it.

 

I tell them I'm Catholic, which is the same thing I tell evangelicals.

 

I get evangelicals in my neighborhood A LOT & the look of pity on their faces when I say this is priceless.

 

They may have my house targeted because of this.

^^^

 

Yeah, that's the opposite of what I'm going for.  That's why I never mention that I'm an atheist.

 

[boilermaker75]

A pretty little girl named Suzy was standing on the sidewalk in front of her home. Next to her was a basket containing a number of tiny creatures; in her hand was a sign announcing FREE KITTENS.

 

Suddenly a line of big black cars pulled up beside her. Out of the lead car stepped a tall, grinning man.

 

"Hi there little girl, I'm Mr. Trudeau. What do you have in the basket?" he asked.

 

"Kittens," little Suzy said.

 

"How old are they?" asked Trudeau Suzy replied, "They're so young, their eyes aren't even open yet."

 

"And what kind of kittens are they?"

 

"Liberals," answered Suzy with a smile.

 

Trudeau was delighted. As soon as he returned to his car, he called his PR chief and told him about the little girl and the kittens.

 

Recognizing the perfect photo op, the two men agreed that  Mr. Trudeau should return the next day; and in front of the assembled media, have the girl talk about her discerning kittens.

 

So the next day, Suzy was again standing on the sidewalk with her basket of "FREE KITTENS,"  when another motorcade pulled up, this time followed by vans from CBC, CTV,  and CNN.

 

Cameras and audio equipment were quickly set up,  then Trudeau got out of his limo and walked over to little Suzy.

 

"Hello, again," he said, "I'd love it if you would tell  all my friends out there what kind of kittens you're  giving away."

 

"Yes sir," Suzy said. "They're CONSERVATIVES."

 

Taken by surprise, Mr. Trudeau stammered,  "But... but.... yesterday, you told me they were LIBERALS."

 

Little Suzy smiled and said, "I know. But today, they have their eyes opened."

 

[Jurgis]

Time to move this thread to politics section?

[Midas79]

Time to move this thread to politics section?

 

Maybe. The joke is just as funny (as in, not really funny at all), albeit to the other large segment of the population, when the words "liberals" and "conservatives" are switched and Mr. Trudeau is replaced by Mr. Trump.

 

There has to be a joke here somewhere about the liberal kittens having only their left eye open and the conservatives only their right, but I can't seem to make it work.

[rkbabang]

Time to move this thread to politics section?

 

Maybe. The joke is just as funny (as in, not really funny at all), albeit to the other large segment of the population, when the words "liberals" and "conservatives" are switched and Mr. Trudeau is replaced by Mr. Trump.

 

There has to be a joke here somewhere about the liberal kittens having only their left eye open and the conservatives only their right, but I can't seem to make it work.

 

It does seem to be one of those jokes that you can just plug in your own people or ideologies and it would be found to be funny by people who agree with you.  I could see communists plugging in capitalists for liberal and communist for conservative and sharing it with their comrades.  I could plug in "statist" for liberal and "anarchist" for conservative, share it on facebook and I'd get ton of likes from my anarchist friends. 

 

Reminds of of Michael Malice (author of "Dear Reader") who says that one thing he learned visiting North Korea is that you can take any ethnic joke and plug in "Japanese" as the target ethnicity and you will be the funniest guy in the room anywhere in the country.  They all hate the Japanese and they have never been exposed to ethnic jokes.  "How do you sink the Japanese navy?  Put it in the water." 

 

[boilermaker75]

Time to move this thread to politics section?

 

Maybe. The joke is just as funny (as in, not really funny at all), albeit to the other large segment of the population, when the words "liberals" and "conservatives" are switched and Mr. Trudeau is replaced by Mr. Trump.

 

There has to be a joke here somewhere about the liberal kittens having only their left eye open and the conservatives only their right, but I can't seem to make it work.

 

It does seem to be one of those jokes that you can just plug in your own people or ideologies and it would be found to be funny by people who agree with you.  I could see communists plugging in capitalists for liberal and communist for conservative and sharing it with their comrades.  I could plug in "statist" for liberal and "anarchist" for conservative, share it on facebook and I'd get ton of likes from my anarchist friends. 

 

Reminds of of Michael Malice (author of "Dear Reader") who says that one thing he learning visiting North Korea is that you can take any ethnic joke and plug in "Japanese" as the target ethnicity and you will be the funniest guy in the country.  They all hate the Japanese and they have never been exposed to ethnic jokes.  "How do you sink the Japanese navy?  Put it in the water."

 

I have a friend in Canada who sends me jokes all the time. I know there are a lot of Canadians on here, why I posted it. I didn't mean to make a statement, more TIC. I am not a conservative or a liberal. As soon as you start labeling yourself that way self-regulation to prevent cognitive dissonance replaces thinking.

 

 

[SharperDingaan]

Per the UK's 'Time Team' program; after having dug to a depth of 10 feet in the UK last year....

"British scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago."

 

Not to be outdone by the Brits, in the weeks that followed, a team of American archaeologists dug to a depth of 20 feet in the US, and shortly after, a story was published in the New York bulletin: "American archaeologists, finding traces of 250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the British".

 

One week later, the Herald newspaper in Harare, Zimbabwe; reported the following ...

"After digging as deep as 30 feet in his backyard, Manius Dube a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Manius has therefore concluded that more than 250 years ago - Africa had already gone wireless!"

 

Reality is all in the eyes of the believer.

 

SD

 

[SharperDingaan]

Do not argue with a fool because he will drag you down to his level and then beat you with experience.

 

Be careful of the man who stays calm and smiles in a crisis for he has already found someone to put the fault on  ;)

 

SD

[John Hjorth]

To me, in short, we need to let this angle to jokes [opinion & confrontation] [the way well-intentioned-[no-harm-meant- to-anyone] jokes] here on CoBF - in this topic - go no matter who's the reader, no matter who's the poster.

 

Take it easy, and stay cool [no matter what : If you arent't taking it  easy or staying cool, stay cool anyway!]]

[DooDiligence]

The young couple invited their elderly pastor for Sunday dinner.

 

While they were in the kitchen preparing the meal, the minister asked their son what they were having.

 

"Goat," the little boy replied.

 

"Goat?" asked the startled man of the cloth, "are you sure about that?"

 

"Yep," said the youngster. "I heard Dad say to Mom, 'Today is just as good as any to have the old goat for dinner.'"

 

---

 

A rancher named Clyde had a car accident.

 

In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning Clyde, "didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'" asked the lawyer.

 

Clyde responded, "well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite goat, Bessie, into the..."

 

"I didn't ask for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question? Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?"

 

Clyde said, "well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road... "

 

The lawyer interrupted again and said, "judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the highway patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."

 

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite goat, Bessie."

 

Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded, "well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite goat, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting, real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun in hand, looked at me, and said 'How are you feeling?'

 

"Now, what the hell would you say?"

 

---

 

and finally,

 

---

 

A goat walks into a bar, sits down and orders a beer.

 

The bartender, amazed that this goat can actually talk, gives him a beer.

 

The goat says, "what do I owe you?"

 

The bartender stops and thinks for a moment, "even though this goat is smart he probably hasn't been in many bars." So the bartender says, "that'll be ten dollars."

 

The goat forks over the money and starts drinking his beer.

 

After a few minutes, the bartender can't restrain his curiosity, so he walks back over to the goat and tries to strike up a conversation. "You know, we don't get many goats in this bar."

 

The goat looks up from his beer and says, "well, at ten bucks a beer, I'm not surprised."

 

---

 

If I was still a Catholic, I'd have to go to confession for this post.

 

There is no god to punish me for telling crappy jokes.

[cubsfan]

Those goat jokes were hilarious

[DooDiligence]

Those goat jokes were hilarious

 

Thanks.

 

Here's 2 better ones you might have missed.

 

A woman walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist for some arsenic.

He asks "What for?"

She replies "I want to kill my husband."

He says "Sorry, I can't give you that."

She then reaches into her handbag and pulls out a photo of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife and hands it to him.

He looks at it closely and says, "Well, you didn't tell me you had a prescription."

 

The rabbi was an avid golfer and played at every opportunity. He was so addicted to the game that he would get withdrawal symptoms if he didn't play. One Yom Kippur the rabbi thought to himself, "What's it going to hurt if I go out during the recess and play a few rounds. Nobody will be the wiser, and I'll be back in time for services."

 

Sure enough, at the end of the morning service, the rabbi snuck out of the synagogue and headed straight for the golf course. Looking down upon the scene were Moses and God. Moses said, "Look how terrible -- a Jew out here alone on Yom Kippur. And even worse! A rabbi!"

 

God replied "Watch. I'm going to teach him a lesson."

 

The rabbi stepped up to the first tee. When he hit the ball, it careened off a tree, struck a rock, skipped across a pond and landed in the hole for a hole in one!

 

Seeing all this, Moses protested. "God, is this how you're going to teach him a lesson? He got a hole in one!"

 

"Sure," said God, "but who's he going to tell?"

[rkbabang]

How to use "and" 5 times in a row grammatically:

 

A man owned a store called "This And That" and he hired another man to make a sign for it.  When it was finished the owner inspected the work only to discover that the spaces were wrong so he called the sign maker and said:

 

"The spaces between This and And and And and That are different. Please fix it."

 

[DooDiligence]

In other news, Canada finally apologizes for Ted Cruz.

 

[rkbabang]

In other news, Canada finally apologizes for Ted Cruz.

 

I hear Dildo is really nice this time of year.

[DooDiligence]

In other news, Canada finally apologizes for Ted Cruz.

 

I hear Dildo is really nice this time of year.

 

A lot of people pushing to get in there.