I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.

[randomep]

On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed.

 

This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.

 

Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go.

 

It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what He'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.

 

Calmly, his wife handed him a bankbook, which showed more than thirty years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank, which were worth over $2 million, And informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank.

 

She explained that for more than three decades she had 'charged' him for sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments. 

 

Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out,  “If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!'

 

That's when she shot him.

 

Sorry I don't get it!

 

[Jurgis]

Our CEO is such a nice, upfront, no bs kind of guy.

 

He pulled up to work with his sweet new car this morning and I complimented him on it.

 

He replied, "Well, if you work hard, set goals, stay determined and put in long hours, I can get an even better one next year."

[LC]

A man is drunk in a bar. Across the bar he sees three heavy set women, speaking with Scottish sounding accents. He makes his way to the women and asks; "Excuse me, are you ladies from Scotland?" The first women gets mad and yells "It's Wales, you ass! Wales!" The man the replies. "I'm sorry, are you three whales from Scotland?"

 

[boilermaker75]

I don't know if this really happened, but I hope it did!

 

A crowded United Airlines flight was canceled.  A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers.  Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk.

 

He slapped his ticket on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS." 

 

The agent replied, "I am sorry, sir. I'll be happy  to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out."

 

The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I, AM" 

 

Without hesitating, the agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone, "May I have your attention please, " she began, her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal.  "We have  a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Gate 14."

 

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore "F*** You!"

 

Without flinching, she smiled and said,  "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll  have to get in line for that too."

 

[arcube]

On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed.

 

This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.

 

Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go.

 

It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what He'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.

 

Calmly, his wife handed him a bankbook, which showed more than thirty years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank, which were worth over $2 million, And informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank.

 

She explained that for more than three decades she had 'charged' him for sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments. 

 

Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out,  “If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!'

 

That's when she shot him.

 

Sorry I don't get it!

 

Lol. He was paying other hookers on the side as well!  8)

[randomep]

 

 

Lol. He was paying other hookers on the side as well!  8)

 

Fock! oh man that is so hilarious!

[DynamicPerception]

A Manchester lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Glasgow copper.

He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from MANCHESTER

and is certain that he has a better education then any Jock cop. He decides to

prove this to himself and have some fun at the Glasgow cops expense!

Glasgow cop says, ' Licence and registration, please.'

Manchester  Lawyer says, 'What for?'

Glasgow cop says, 'Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign.'

Manchester  Lawyer says, 'I slowed down, and no one was coming.'

Glasgow cop says, 'Ye still didnae come to a complete stop. Licence and

registration, please.'

Manchester  Lawyer says, 'What's the difference?'

Glasgow cop says, 'The difference is, ye huvte come to complete stop, that's the

law, Licence and registration, please!'

Manchester  Lawyer says, 'If you can show me the legal difference between slow

down and stop, I'll give you my licence and registration; and you give me the

ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket.'

Glasgow cop says, 'Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir.'

The Manchester  Lawyer exits his vehicle.

The Glasgow cop takes out his baton and starts beating the tar out of the lawyer

and says 'Dae ye want me to stop, or just slow doon?'

[rkbabang]

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, several Americans (including a Hawaiian and an Alaskan), an Argentinean, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovak, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, a Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uruguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, an Iranian, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Syrian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, an Aruban, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahaman, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Canadian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, a Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian, and 2 South Africans ...

 

    ... all walk into a fine upscale restaurant.

 

    "I'm sorry," says the maître d', after scrutinizing the group. "You can't come in here without a Thai."

 

[boilermaker75]

An Irishman found a genie in a bottle who offered him two wishes.

 

"First, I'll have a pint of Guinness," said the Irishman, and when it appeared he took several long drinks from it and was delighted to see that the glass filled itself magically as he drank.

 

What about your second wish?" asked the genie.

 

"Oh well," said the Irishman, "that's easy. I'll have another one of these!"

[John Hjorth]

Rokoko Post [since 1732]: Islamic State takes responsibility for Roskilde Festival.

[LC]

I'm always a fan of shaggy dog jokes, Norm Macdonald does it best:

 

[John Hjorth]

Thank you for helping me getting through the day today, LC. It's hillarious.

 

It's the perfect desciption of me today. I haven't still mentally overcome getting screwed by this beautiful Spanish lady & brunette called Ms. Botin. [<- this is meant as a separate joke].

 

When did you get rid of SAN, LC? - I see that you have modified your profile signature. [<- This could be a separate joke, too, - at the expense of me, naturally - depending on the content of your reply.]

 

Yesterday, the Lady of the House did notice in the afternoon - while I was communicating with TwoCitiesCapital in the SAN topic - that her man was sitting behind his monitors, frozen, and his face almost collapsed into the face of an old sour man, and she asked why. I explained it to her, after which I said "... I have no need for a Spanish brunette to screw me ... - it's your job!" [<- That's actually meant as joke, too].

 

Then she walked away from me, laughing. The anger inside me did build up, so I was almost going ballistic, however I did not react or respond, still. I managed within a couple of minutes to get myself into some state of embarassment in stead.[<- that's joke #4 here, and the real joke here!].

 

Please say after me: "Spanish corporate government". [<- That's indeed joke #5].

[LC]

Norm does the best shaggy dog jokes. Here's another great one:

 

 

I sold SAN on (1) a comment that SD made in the SAN thread and (2) because I think Citi is also undervalued and has a better business. So I've shifted to that.

[John Hjorth]

Thanks for sharing, LC.

[boilermaker75]

A few quickies for a Friday afternoon.

 

 

What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?

 

The position of the dirt bag

 

 

Why is divorce so expensive?

 

Because it's worth it.

 

 

Why is air a lot like sex?

 

Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

 

 

What do you call a smart blonde?

 

A golden retriever.

 

 

What do attorneys use for birth control?

 

Their personalities.

 

 

What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?

 

10 years and 45 lbs

 

 

What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?

 

45 minutes

 

 

Why do men want to marry virgins?

 

They can't stand criticism.

 

 

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?

 

Because those men already have boyfriends.

 

 

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?

 

After a year, the dog is still excited to see you

 

 

Why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying?

 

The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

 

 

What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?

 

A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

 

 

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?

 

'Are you sure it's mine?'

 

 

Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?

 

Mace will do that to you.

 

[John Hjorth]

Mr. Taleb, in Bermuda - & - in Rome - lecturing about catastrofic/tail risk, attached. [source: Twitter.]

 

- I'm not sure if this dress is in compliance with Italian dress code... I mean, are those shoes Italian? They sure look like they could be loafers from Moreschi.

[rkbabang]

Mr. Taleb, in Bermuda - & - in Rome - lecturing about catastrofic/tail risk, attached. [source: Twitter.]

 

- I'm not sure if this dress is in compliance with Italian dress code... I mean, are those shoes Italian? They sure look like they could be loafers from Moreschi.

 

Ha, The little tiny thumbnail picture of this before I clicked on it looked like he wasn't wearing any pants at all.

 

[Jurgis]

 

Crappy formatting. Not sure how to make it better.

[John Hjorth]

Point taken anyway, Jurgis [ ; - ) ]

[Jurgis]

Canadians invented everything:

 

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Murdoch_Mysteries

 

Maybe not direct fit for this thread, but sometimes it's really funny - and we have a lot of Canadians on board.  :D

 

Short summary: detective Murdoch and colleagues in Toronto around 1900 invent everything: sonar, manned flight, electric car, digital pictures and their transmission, lie detector, etc. There's even an episode where they discuss investments to widows and orphans fund and decide to go with Coke, Ma Bell, IBM (?), GE and other great investments.  ;D

 

Go Canada!  8)

[DooDiligence]

Mr. Taleb, in Bermuda - & - in Rome - lecturing about catastrofic/tail risk, attached. [source: Twitter.]

 

- I'm not sure if this dress is in compliance with Italian dress code... I mean, are those shoes Italian? They sure look like they could be loafers from Moreschi.

 

Holy moly, a pink swan event!

 

I was thinking about going 2 Bermuda some day but if I gotta dress like that, not...

[boilermaker75]

Mr. Taleb, in Bermuda - & - in Rome - lecturing about catastrofic/tail risk, attached. [source: Twitter.]

 

- I'm not sure if this dress is in compliance with Italian dress code... I mean, are those shoes Italian? They sure look like they could be loafers from Moreschi.

 

I think that is the top half of a Brioni suit!

[rkbabang]

Mr. Taleb, in Bermuda - & - in Rome - lecturing about catastrofic/tail risk, attached. [source: Twitter.]

 

- I'm not sure if this dress is in compliance with Italian dress code... I mean, are those shoes Italian? They sure look like they could be loafers from Moreschi.

 

Holy moly, a pink swan event!

 

I was thinking about going 2 Bermuda some day but if I gotta dress like that, not...

 

 

You are only required to dress like that if you live there.  I've been there a couple of times and they let visitors dress normally.

 

[John Hjorth]

It's actually true, rkbabang,

 

On a more serious note: I perceive Italians are actually very tolerant people, with regard to dress code. I've never had a comment, when I've been there, even when I've been "almost overly relaxed" dressed, sometimes.

 

- - - o 0 o - - -

 

The real joke here, is actually the sign to right of Mr. Taleb in the photo: Why do you take lectures from Mr. Taleb, if you're already doing business in Bermuda taking on insurance and reinsurance risk? - I do not recall exactly what longinvestor called this kind capital here on CoBF not so long ago, but it was not a positive label.

 

- - - o 0 o - - -

 

Edit:

 

I hope it's evidient that I'm bored.

[John Hjorth]

I won't even apologize for stirring the fun pot here, but why even look around anywhere, when there is fun here too:

 

In the Apple topic in the Investment Ideas forum:

 

... Still using a 6 Plus & will prob wait for the next iteration of the X but I'm definitely getting a (v3) watch.

 

I'll be able to wade fish up to my friggin' neck & still have music & comms.

 

Pics please!