I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.

[DynamicPerception]

                        PONDERISMS

 

1. I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

 

2. There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.

 

3. Life is sexually transmitted.

 

4. Healthy is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

 

5. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

 

6. Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

 

7. How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a camp fire.

 

8. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things and drink whatever comes out?'

 

9. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

 

10. If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

[DynamicPerception]

    There was this gas station in "redneck country" trying to increase  its sales so the owner put up a sign saying "Free Sex with Fill-up."

 

    Soon a "redneck" customer pulled in, filled his tank, and then asked for his free sex.

    The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10, and if he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex.

    The buyer then guessed 8 and the proprietor said, "No, you were close.

    The number was 7.

    Sorry, no free sex this time but maybe next time."

 

    Some time thereafter, the same man, along with his buddy this time, pulled in again for a fill-up, and again he asked for his free sex.

    The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number.

    The man guessed 2 this time and the proprietor said, "Nope. It was 3.

    You were close but no free sex this time".

    As they were driving away, the driver said to his buddy, "I think that game is rigged and bet you he don't give away no free sex."

    The buddy replied, "Nuh-uh, it ain't neither - my wife done won twice last week."

[John Hjorth]

Here is my casual reading stuff for today, to get a more granular understanding of the states in USA, while I'm waiting for the Berkshire 2020H1 10-Q, expected within a couple of hours.

 

[i think the description of Wyoming is the best. [ : - D]]

[DynamicPerception]

1 . If poison expires, is it more poisonous or is it no longer poisonous?

 

2. Which letter is silent in the word "Scent,"the S or the C?

 

3. Do twins ever realize that one of them is unplanned?

 

4. Why is the letter W, in English, called double U? Shouldn't it be called double V?

 

5. Maybe oxygen is slowly killing you and it just takes 75-100 years to fully work.

 

6. Every time you clean something, you just make something else dirty.

 

7. The word "swims" upside-down is still "swims".

 

8. 100 years ago everyone owned a horse and only the rich had cars.

  Today everyone has cars and only the rich own horses.

 

9. If you replace "W" with "T" in "What, Where and When", you get the answer to each of them.

 

10. At a movie theatre, which arm rest is yours?

 

11. If people evolve from monkeys, why are monkeys still around?

 

12. Why is there a 'D' in fridge, but not in refrigerator?

 

13. Who knew what time it was when the first clock was made?

 

14. Wonder why the word funeral starts with FUN?

 

15. Why isn't a Fireman called a Water-man?

 

16. How come Lipstick doesn't do what it says?

 

17. If money doesn't grow on trees, how come Banks have Branches?

 

18. How do you get off a non-stop Flight?

 

19. Why are goods sent by ship called CARGO and those sent by truck SHIPMENT?

 

20. When two airplanes fly close to each other it’s called a near miss.

    Shouldn’t it be called a near hit?

[DynamicPerception]

A fun email circulating trading desks n 2008Oct, worthwhile as an informal measure of sentiment:

 

                              CEO -- Chief Embezzlement Officer.

                              CFO -- Corporate Fraud Officer.

                BULL MARKET -- A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.

                BEAR MARKET -- A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife  gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.

          VALUE INVESTING -- The art of buying low and selling lower.

                      P/E RATIO -- The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.

                        BROKER -- What my broker has made me.

        STANDARD & POOR -- Your life in a nutshell.

              STOCK ANALYST -- Idiot who just downgraded your stock.

                  STOCK SPLIT -- When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally  between themselves.

        FINANCIAL PLANNER -- A guy whose phone has been disconnected.

      MARKET CORRECTION -- The day after you buy stocks.

                    CASH FLOW -- The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.

                            YAHOO -- What you yell after selling your stock to some poor sucker for $240 per share.

                      WINDOWS -- What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo @ $240 per share.

INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR -- Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse.

                            PROFIT -- An archaic word no longer in use.

[DooDiligence]

Vote for Marc Rebillet

 

"Make America Stank Again"

 

[DynamicPerception]

Now that the NFL season has started,

 

    The day of the Super Bowl Gus comes rushing home, runs

    in the front door, passes his wife and doesn't say

    Hello or anything, jumps into his EZBOY, turns on the

    TV, and then yells at his wife to bring him a cold beer

    before it starts. She is a little perturbed at this but

    figures what the heck, it is the Super Bowl so she gets

    a cold beer from the refrigerator pops the cap and gives

    it to him. A few minutes later he yells out again "bring

    me another cold beer quick before it starts". This really

    irritates her but she contains herself and hands him his

    beer and goes back to the kitchen. No more than 5 minutes

    later he calls out again, "bring me another cold beer

    before it starts". This time she's really pissed off and

    yells back at him, "you inconsiderate bastard, you ran

    right passed me never said hello or anything, etc. etc.".

    Gus yells out, "Ah, there its started!".

[DynamicPerception]

HOW TO START A FIGHT

 

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift.

The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.

When she asked me why, I replied,

"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last  year!"

And that's how the fight started.

 

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.

I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have sex?'

'No,' she answered.

I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes.'

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started.

 

I took my wife to a restaurant.

The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"

"Nah, she can order for herself."

And that's when the fight started.

 

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.

I asked her, "Do you know him?"

"Yes", she sighed,

"He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

And that's when the fight started.

 

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first; the shed, the boat, making beer. Always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.

When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again, I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."

And that's when the fight started.

 

My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.

She asked, "What's on TV?"

I said, "Dust."

And that's when the fight started.

 

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.

She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 165 in about 2 seconds."

I bought her a bathroom scale.

And that's when the fight started.

 

My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She was not happy with what she saw and said to me, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."

And that's when the fight started.

 

I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day!

The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!

He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'

So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'

And that's how the fight started.

[cubsfan]

Those are hilarious!

[Gregmal]

I am sure the pussies will find those jokes offensive.

[alpha]

[DynamicPerception]

  This Could Be You Some Day

 

  A couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things.

  During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.

  Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair, 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.

  'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'

  'Sure.'

  'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.

  'No, I can remember it..'

  'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too.

  Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?'

  He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'

  'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.

  Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it!

  Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'

  Then he toddles into the kitchen.

  After about 20 minutes, The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.

  She stares at the plate for a moment.

  'Where's my toast ?'

 

 

  An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.

  The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great.. I would recommend it very highly.'

  The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'

  The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?

  You know.... The one that's red and has thorns.'

  'Do you mean a rose?'

  'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled,

  'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'

 

 

  A little old manshuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.

  After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.

  The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'

  'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'

[Guest cherzeca]

@dynamic

 

love these (I think, not sure that I can remember them...).  keep them coming

[DynamicPerception]

  Dear Vincent,

    I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year.

    I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot.

    If you were here my troubles would be over.

    I know you would dig the plot for me.

  Love Dad.

 

    A few days later he received a letter from his son.

 

  Dear Dad,

    Not for nothing, but don't dig up that garden.

  That's where I buried the BODIES.

  Love Vinnie.

 

    At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies.

  They apologized to the old man and left.

 

    That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

 

  Dear Dad,

    Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now.

    That's the best I could do under the circumstances.

  Love Vinnie.

[DynamicPerception]

  Wal-Mart announced that sometime in 2021 it will begin offering customers a new discount item: Wal-Mart's own brand of wine. The world's largest retail chain is teaming up with Ernest & Julio Gallo Winery of California to produce the wines at affordable prices in the $2 to $5 range.

 

  Wine connoisseurs may not be inclined to put a bottle of the Wal-Mart brand into their shopping carts but, 'There is a market for inexpensive wine,' said Kathy Micken, professor of marketing at University of Arkansas, Bentonville. 'However, branding will be very important.'

 

  Customer surveys were conducted to determine the most attractive name for the Wal-Mart wine brands and varieties.

 

  The top surveyed names in order of popularity were:

 

10. Chateau Traileur Parc

9. White Trashfindel

8. Big Red Gulp

7. World Championship Riesling

6. NASCARbernet

5. Chef Boyardeaux

4. Peanut Noir

3. I Can't Believe it's not Vinegar

2. Grape Expectations

1. Nasti Spumante

 

  The beauty of Wal-Mart wine is that it can be served with either white meat (Possum) or red meat (Squirrel).

 

P.S. Don't bother writing back to tell me that this is a hoax.

    I know Squirrel is not a red meat.

[LC]

I know Squirrel is not a red meat

 

It is when you hunt it with your M-16!!!

[DooDiligence]

A buddy of mine recently asked his girlfriend to marry him.

She said no and he’s been drunk for the past few weeks.

Personally, I think he’s carrying the celebration too far.

[Gregmal]

Some funny tweets

 

https://twitter.com/hkuppy/status/1326960220740972550/photo/1

 

[DooDiligence]

Politics aside it is unlikely that Fox keeps its "monopoly" on right leaning views and will have viewers carved off into more extreme niches (like Newsmax and OAN).  This is similar to what happened with CNN a couple of years ago with the emergence of MSNBC on the further left.  In addition, on the "middle" front there are 3-4 new national challengers who aim to be centrist news (not opinion) organs. Like any monopoly it tends to not last long as challengers see excess returns and dive in.

 

I suspect viewership will drop until next election cycle. But that doesn't mean its a bad business outlook.  The Fox streaming channel seems to be doing extremely well and a good chunk of the revenues are from contracted carriage.that will erode but slowly. 

 

Maybe it all comes down to just how much they can charge thst MyPillows guy to put in 20 commercials per hour.

 

moat spotting  ;D

 

---

 

In case you were thinking about buying a pillow from this guy...

 

www.cnbc.com/2017/09/20/how-mypillow-founder-went-from-crack-addict-to-self-made-millionaire.html

 

www.forbes.com/sites/rachelsandler/2020/09/04/fda-rejects-oleandrin-extract-pushed-by-mypillow-ceo-as-a-dietary-supplement/?sh=e6692c33afe3

 

---

 

I put this here to avoid clogging up the "FOXA - Twenty-First Century Fox Inc" thread.

[DooDiligence]

Go to sears.com and type "medicine ball" into the search bar.

 

You're welcome.

[LC]

Go to sears.com

 

This was a good enough joke on its own :D

[DooDiligence]

Go to sears.com

 

This was a good enough joke on its own :D

 

Yeah, but did you see it. I think it was a Lampert selfie.

[rkbabang]

I fear this isn't really satire, but just some snowflake being unintentionally hilarious. But it's as funny as anything you'd read on The Onion.  Next up, "How Frosty The Snowman Scared Me For Life".

 

Don’t Subject Your Kids to Rudolph

The world is bleak enough as it is.

https://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2020/12/rankin-bass-rudolph-the-red-nosed-reindeer/616932/

[boilermaker75]

After retiring, a former Gunnery Sergeant in the Canadian Army took a new job as a high school teacher in Cudworth, Saskatchewan.

 

Just before the school year started, he injured his back.  He was required to wear a light plaster cast around the upper part of his body.

 

Fortunately, the cast fit under his shirt and wasn't noticeable when he wore his suit coat.

 

On the first day of class, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in the school.

 

The smart-ass punks, having already heard the new teacher was a former soldier, were leery of him and he knew they would be testing his discipline in the classroom.

 

Walking confidently into the rowdy room, the new teacher opened the window wide and sat down at his desk.

 

With a strong breeze blowing it made his tie flap. He picked up a stapler and stapled his tie to his chest.

 

The rest of the year went smoothly.

[boilermaker75]

The Heisenberg’s were going out for dinner and Mrs. Heisenberg was going to drive. She was looking all over but could not find her keys. Werner replied, “You probably know too much about their moment.”