I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.

[SHDL]

A doctor tells his patient “you need to take this medicine now or else you’ll die.” The patient grudgingly complies, and survives. He then goes back to see the doctor and complains “hey doc that was some god awful tasting medicine you gave me — and you were wrong, it was useless, I’m still alive!”

 

(This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, businesses, places, events, locales, and incidents are either the products of the author's imagination or used in a fictitious manner. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, left or right, or actual events, such as the coronavirus pandemic, is purely coincidental.)

[meiroy]

[DynamicPerception]

Two men knocked on my front door today and asked if I'd donate to the

new community swimming pool being built, so I gave them a bottle of

water.

 

If a man is alone in the forest with no women to hear him,

is he still wrong?

 

WARNING! Baiting Deer Is Illegal!

This corn pile is intended for squirrels, chipmunks and other such

animals. Any deer found eating this corn will be shot!

 

How to prepare Tofu: 1) Throw it in the trash. 2) Grill some Meat.

 

I don't mean to brag but...I finished my 14-day diet in 3 hours and

20 minutes.

 

A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight

live longer than men who mention it.

 

A thief broke into my house last night...he started searching for

money so I woke up and searched with him.

 

My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like, I KNOW! Right?

 

[LC]

An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"

 

"Of course child. What may I do for you?"

 

"Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Hide it under your robes perhaps?"

 

"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you, I will not lie."

 

"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you," she replied.

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go first. The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"

 

"From the top of my head down to my waist I have nothing to declare."

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"

 

Father replied, "I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, which is, to date, unused."

 

Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father. Next please!"

 

 

[John Hjorth]

LC, please keep them coming! [ : - D ]

[DynamicPerception]

A suspected Covid-19 male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose.

A young student female nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles,

she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers.

She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other.

She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine."

The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly,

"Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very, closely:

"Are - my - test - results - back?”

[arcube]

A suspected Covid-19 male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose.

A young student female nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles,

she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers.

She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other.

She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine."

The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly,

"Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very, closely:

"Are - my - test - results - back?”

 

Good one. Thanks.

[rkbabang]

Some things never change

[DynamicPerception]

A group of 3rd, 4th, and 5th graders, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to the local racetrack, (Churchill Downs) to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry (Bourbon), but mostly to see the horses.

When it was time to take the children to the bathroom, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.

The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.

Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the little boys up one by one, holding on to their little 'wee-wees' to direct the flow away from their clothes.

As she lifted one little guy, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, "You must be in the 5th grade."

"No, ma'am," he replied, "I'm riding Silver Arrow in the seventh race, but I appreciate your help."

[meiroy]

A lumberjack went into a magic forest to cut a tree. Upon arrival, he started to swing at the tree. It shouted, “Wait! I’m a talking tree”

The lumberjack smiled, “and you will dialogue”.

[DynamicPerception]

Two policemen (Constable Ken and Bob) call the station on the radio.

 

"Hello. Is that the Sarge?"

"Yes?"

"We have a case here.

A woman has shot her husband for stepping on the floor she had just mopped clean."

"Have you arrested the woman?"

"No sir. The floor is still wet."

 

[meiroy]

Two policemen (Constable Ken and Bob) call the station on the radio.

 

"Hello. Is that the Sarge?"

"Yes?"

"We have a case here.

A woman has shot her husband for stepping on the floor she had just mopped clean."

"Have you arrested the woman?"

"No sir. The floor is still wet."

 

Don't get it. I did not sleep last night because kids are just small stupid people. Seriously who invented these things.

 

 

[rkbabang]

Two policemen (Constable Ken and Bob) call the station on the radio.

 

"Hello. Is that the Sarge?"

"Yes?"

"We have a case here.

A woman has shot her husband for stepping on the floor she had just mopped clean."

"Have you arrested the woman?"

"No sir. The floor is still wet."

 

Don't get it. I did not sleep last night because kids are just small stupid people. Seriously who invented these things.

 

My wife always said that kids act like mentally ill adults.  It's true.  Whenever watching a group of kids playing add 30 years to their ages in your mind and picture them acting in the same way.  It's hilarious.

 

Anyway, I'm not stepping on that lady's floor.

 

[arcube]

Today a very pretty lady was walking down the street in a sun dress here in Midland. As she is walking she hears a light voice say “Hey, hey, hey lady!”. She has some difficulty determining where the voice is coming from. Eventually she figures it out, it’s a small frog on the ground wearing a cowboy hat! She bends over, picks the frog up and holds him in the palm of her hand. The frog says “oh pretty lady, I’m a Texas oilman”, the Corona Witch put a spell on me, if you kiss me Ill turn back into a Texas Oilman!!!!!

 

The lady drew the little frog close to her lips, puckered and was ready to kiss him, then she stopped. She pulled a handkerchief from her purse and wrapped the little frog up and put him in her purse. She resumed her walk. The frog yelled and screamed. She pulled the frog from her purse and the frog says, “Didn’t you hear me? Kiss me and I’ll turn back into a Texas Oilman”.

The lady says “Do I look stupid? Which is worth more? A talking frog or a Texas Oilman?”

[LC]

Oh thats a good one :D

[LC]

An Indian and two Pakistanis were seated together on a plane.

 

The Indian got a seat between two Pakistanis on the plane. Relaxing, he took his shoes off.

 

Soon enough, he got hungry.

 

"Hey, I'm going to get myself a snack. You guys want anything?" He asked the Pakistanis.

 

The man to his right said he would like a Coke.

 

"Of course." said the Indian.

 

"After all, Indians and Pakistanis are Brothers!"

 

When the Indian went to get the coke, the man who asked for the Coke spit in one of his shoes.

 

Once the Indian came back, the guy to his left asked him for another Coke. He happily obliged. While he was gone, the man spit in his other shoe.

 

Soon enough, the Indian returned, with the Coke, of course. After everyone had settled down, and the Pakistanis had had half their Cokes, the Indian put his legs in his shoes and sighed.

 

"How long will we keep doing this, brothers? Spitting in each others shoes, pissing in each others Cokes?"

[arcube]

An Indian and two Pakistanis were seated together on a plane.

 

The Indian got a seat between two Pakistanis on the plane. Relaxing, he took his shoes off.

 

Soon enough, he got hungry.

 

"Hey, I'm going to get myself a snack. You guys want anything?" He asked the Pakistanis.

 

The man to his right said he would like a Coke.

 

"Of course." said the Indian.

 

"After all, Indians and Pakistanis are Brothers!"

 

When the Indian went to get the coke, the man who asked for the Coke spit in one of his shoes.

 

Once the Indian came back, the guy to his left asked him for another Coke. He happily obliged. While he was gone, the man spit in his other shoe.

 

Soon enough, the Indian returned, with the Coke, of course. After everyone had settled down, and the Pakistanis had had half their Cokes, the Indian put his legs in his shoes and sighed.

 

"How long will we keep doing this, brothers? Spitting in each others shoes, pissing in each others Cokes?"

 

Hahaha. Good one.

[DynamicPerception]

Reasons why the English language is so hard to learn:

 

1) The bandage was wound around the wound.

2) The farm was used to produce produce.

3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.

4) We must polish the Polish furniture.

5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.

6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was

    time to present the present.

8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

10) I did not object to the object.

11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.

13) They were too close to the door to close it.

14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.

15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

18) After a number of injections my jaw got number.

19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.

20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

 

Let's face it - English is a crazy language.

There is no egg in eggplant

nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English

muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France.

Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.

We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we

find  that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and

guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

 

And why is it that writers write, but fingers don't fing,

grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?

 

If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth?

One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices?

Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends, but not one amend.

 

If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of

them, what do you call it?

 

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught

 

If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?

 

Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to

an asylum for the verbally insane.

 

In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital?

 

Ship by truck and send cargo by ship?

Have noses that run and feet that smell?

 

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same,

 

while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?

 

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which

your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form

by filling it out and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.

 

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the

creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all.

That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when

the lights are out, they are invisible.

 

p.s. - Why doesn't "Buick" rhyme with "quick"?

 

[Spekulatius]

Kind of investment related and pretty good.

https://twitter.com/justbrosef/status/1259266070759845890?s=21

[Jurgis]

Kind of investment related and pretty good.

https://twitter.com/justbrosef/status/1259266070759845890?s=21

 

This is me:

 

(4) You are a male (of course). Your business card reads ‘Langdon Jr the third’.  Your grandpa has a building at Princeton named after him but you still went to Stanford. You’re a keen hiker.  You think frozen acai bowls are great.

 

Apparently.  ::)

[LC]

Warren Buffett Abandons Traditional Investing to Become Full-Time Day Trader

 

https://thestonkmarket.com/warren-buffett-abandons-traditional-investing-to-become-full-time-day-trader/

 

[rb]

Warren Buffett Abandons Traditional Investing to Become Full-Time Day Trader

 

https://thestonkmarket.com/warren-buffett-abandons-traditional-investing-to-become-full-time-day-trader/

LOL!

 

Todd. Stupid Todd!

[DooDiligence]

Warren Buffett Abandons Traditional Investing to Become Full-Time Day Trader

 

https://thestonkmarket.com/warren-buffett-abandons-traditional-investing-to-become-full-time-day-trader/

 

His phone rings and his broker is on the phone “I know, I had 48 hours to put the cash in. Just liquidate the Goldman position then.”

 

---

 

For the past fifteen years Jared Lewis has been cautiously optimistic on all twenty companies he covers.  “I could be super bullish on this one stock but according to sell side rules I pretty much have to be cautiously optimistic on everything.

 

https://thestonkmarket.com/sell-side-analyst-im-recklessly-optimistic-for-q2-earnings/

 

---

 

A lot of the headlines look promising but lead to dead links, unfortunately.

 

I love the pop-up.

[Liberty]

Saw this riff on an old one on reddit, thought I'd share:

 

He's hot and miserable, so he decides to take action. The A/C has been busted for a long time, so he fixes it. Things cool down quickly. The moving walkway motor is jammed, so he unjams it. People can get from place to place more easily. The TV was grainy and unclear, so he fixes the connection to the satellite dish, and now they get hundreds of high def channels.

 

One day, God decides to look down on Hell to see how his grand design is working out and notices that everyone is happy and enjoying umbrella drinks. He asks the Devil what's up? The Devil says, "Things are great down here since you sent us an engineer." "What?" says God. "An engineer? I didn't send you one of those. That must have been a mistake. Send him upstairs immediately." The Devil responds, "No way. We want to keep our engineer. We like him." God demands, "If you don't send him to me immediately, I'll sue!" The Devil laughs. "Where are you going to get a lawyer?"

 

(and the first comment: "But he's a cunning old sod, and he sends a project manager down... and it all turns to shit and the engineer begs for release .")

[Jurgis]

Saw this riff on an old one on reddit, thought I'd share:

 

He's hot and miserable, so he decides to take action. The A/C has been busted for a long time, so he fixes it. Things cool down quickly. The moving walkway motor is jammed, so he unjams it. People can get from place to place more easily. The TV was grainy and unclear, so he fixes the connection to the satellite dish, and now they get hundreds of high def channels.

 

One day, God decides to look down on Hell to see how his grand design is working out and notices that everyone is happy and enjoying umbrella drinks. He asks the Devil what's up? The Devil says, "Things are great down here since you sent us an engineer." "What?" says God. "An engineer? I didn't send you one of those. That must have been a mistake. Send him upstairs immediately." The Devil responds, "No way. We want to keep our engineer. We like him." God demands, "If you don't send him to me immediately, I'll sue!" The Devil laughs. "Where are you going to get a lawyer?"

 

(and the first comment: "But he's a cunning old sod, and he sends a project manager down... and it all turns to shit and the engineer begs for release .")

 

All the project managers were down there already, so really none of the improvements happened, engineer immediately sent SOS to God, got uplifted, and lived happily every after.