I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.

[John Hjorth]

Life is when you get a call from a former colleague, who wants help to get Outlook up running on a gmail account on her private computer - to absolutely no avail, and afterwards, you ask:

 

Me: "Hey, [obviously] I coulden't help you here ... - but perhaps you can help me?!"

 

She:  "What's your problem?"

 

Me: "You know, I operate daily, based on two laptops, with two wireless mice and and one wireless keyboard connected to each laptop. To each laptop I have a Logitech M570 mouse connected - since about two years. Those mice have become harder and harder to use. How do I rinse them?"

 

She: "-Just pop out the balls from beneath, rinse, and pop the balls back in again!"

 

Me: "Thanks!" - <While at the same time wondering about the articles from The Economist worrying about world wide fertility decline>.

[John Hjorth]

Post by Jurgis in the BOLL.PA - Bollore topic today:

 

As Bloomberg says, this is likely a common scare tactics of French police/authorities. They arrest a bigwig financier and let them sweat a bit for a day or so. (I sometimes wish US FBI/etc. did this too ;)). So it might be opportunity to buy (more).

 

I might be more concerned with succession than with the arrest, although who knows.

 

I sold most/all of my shares in ODET.PA. It is likely a mistake on price though, so don't follow me.  8)

 

I speculate, that this French public action is not even Saudian inspired, but actually Danish inspired! I think it happened here first! That's just how one handles troublemakers in general ... I'm not even close to a a bigwig financier ... - I think the tactics works on just about everyone considered a troublemaker.

 

- Personally, I'm also more concerned with the succession issue, than the arrest as such!

 

[Please don't take this post too seriously.]

[rkbabang]

Life is when you get a call from a former colleague, who wants help to get Outlook up running on a gmail account on her private computer - to absolutely no avail, and afterwards, you ask:

 

Me: "Hey, [obviously] I coulden't help you here ... - but perhaps you can help me?!"

 

She:  "What's your problem?"

 

Me: "You know, I operate daily, based on two laptops, with two wireless mice and and one wireless keyboard connected to each laptop. To each laptop I have a Logitech M570 mouse connected - since about two years. Those mice have become harder and harder to use. How do I rinse them?"

 

She: "-Just pop out the balls from beneath, rinse, and pop the balls back in again!"

 

Me: "Thanks!" - <While at the same time wondering about the articles from The Economist worrying about world wide fertility decline>.

 

 

With everything done with lasers now the younger generations will never know what it is like to need to clean the lint off of mouse balls in order to continue working.

 

[John Hjorth]

Recently, I've got a good laugh from reading CoBF just about every day! - Personally, I just love it! A good laugh every day makes you wealthy!

 

Recent posts here on CoBF, posted in topics perhaps without interest for you:

 

From the "What are you buying today" topic:

 

bought some BUD today

 

The stock or the product?

 

From the Softbank topic:

 

https://www.bloomberg.com/news/articles/2018-01-30/softbank-invests-300-million-into-dog-walking-startup-wag

 

What a legend

 

I'm confused by this one too, but I don't own a dog.

---

On another note:

 

"Then there was the time in 2001, when Mr. Son threatened to set himself on fire in the offices of the ministry unless an official prodded telecom giant Nippon Telegraph & Telephone to lease optical-fiber lines to SoftBank, for a broadband network it was building."

 

https://blogs.wsj.com/japanrealtime/2013/12/14/why-regulators-dont-scare-softbanks-masayoshi-son/

 

You never own a dog, the dog owns you. Most humans just haven’t it figured out yet.

 

I thought this was only true with cats.  8)

 

With regard to the last one, I actually enjoy my location at the lowest level in the hierarchy - below the Ruler of the House & the cat, equipped with the automated payments related to the household.

[John Hjorth]

Here is a damn good tweet by Morgan Housel, relevant for today. - Please enjoy some of the comments, too. Some of them are really hilarious!

[boilermaker75]

A thirty-something, single women was walking on the beach with her dog. She was thinking about how she had not been successful in romance when she came upon a bottle lying on the sand. She opened it and a genie popped out and said "I will grant you one wish, anything you want." She asked to have her dog transformed into a handsome man who would love her.

 

She raced home with her new man. They went into the bedroom and she took off her clothes. The man then said, “I bet you now wish you had never gotten me fixed!”

 

[DooDiligence]

A 3 legged dog walks into a bar & the bartender asks "how can I help you?"

 

The dog says "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

 

---

 

The following jokes are courtesy of the late great Mitch Hedberg:

 

A woman asked me if I had a girlfriend & I said,

"No, but I do know a girl who would be really mad if she heard me say that."

 

-

 

"If you are flammable & have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit."

 

-

 

I once had a parrot but he died because he did not know how to say "I'm hungry."

[doughishere]

this one was on a tweep the other day.

 

"Woman on the dating app asked about my parents and i told her my dad was a navy man named crunch and she replied “oh cool” so now i’m trapped in a web of lies where i’ve said my father is captain crunch."

[DooDiligence]

this one was on a tweep the other day.

 

"Woman on the dating app asked about my parents and i told her my dad was a navy man named crunch and she replied “oh cool” so now i’m trapped in a web of lies where i’ve said my father is captain crunch."

 

I would run off any cook who bought Captain Crunch for my vessel.

It's bad luck onboard.

 

???

[LC]

A husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf. Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.

 

The husband cringed, 'I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us.'

 

So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, 'Come on in.'

 

When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the pieces of window glass.

 

A man reclining on the couch asked, 'Are you the people that broke my window?'

 

'Uh...yeah! , sir. We're sure sorry about that,' the husband replied.

 

'Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you.. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for my self.'

 

Wow, that's great!' the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, 'I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life.'

 

'No problem,' said the genie 'You've got it, it's the least I can do.. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!'

 

'And now you, young lady, what do you want?' the genie asked.

 

'I'd like to own a gorgeous home in every country in the world complete with servants,' she said.

 

'Consider it done,' the genie said. 'And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!'

 

'And now,' the couple asked in unison, 'what's your wish, genie?'

 

'Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife.'

 

The husband looked at his wife and said, 'Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?'

 

She mulled it over for a few moments and said, 'You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?'

 

You know I love you sweetheart,' said the husband. I'd do the same for you!'

 

So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other.

 

The genie was insatiable. After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, How old are you and your husband?'

 

'Why, we're both 35,' she responded breathlessly.

 

'No Kidding,' he said.

 

'Thirty-five years old and you both still believe in genies?'

 

 

[DooDiligence]

A husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf. Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.

 

The husband cringed, 'I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us.'

 

So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, 'Come on in.'

 

When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the pieces of window glass.

 

A man reclining on the couch asked, 'Are you the people that broke my window?'

 

'Uh...yeah! , sir. We're sure sorry about that,' the husband replied.

 

'Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you.. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for my self.'

 

Wow, that's great!' the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, 'I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life.'

 

'No problem,' said the genie 'You've got it, it's the least I can do.. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!'

 

'And now you, young lady, what do you want?' the genie asked.

 

'I'd like to own a gorgeous home in every country in the world complete with servants,' she said.

 

'Consider it done,' the genie said. 'And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!'

 

'And now,' the couple asked in unison, 'what's your wish, genie?'

 

'Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife.'

 

The husband looked at his wife and said, 'Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?'

 

She mulled it over for a few moments and said, 'You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?'

 

You know I love you sweetheart,' said the husband. I'd do the same for you!'

 

So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other.

 

The genie was insatiable. After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, How old are you and your husband?'

 

'Why, we're both 35,' she responded breathlessly.

 

'No Kidding,' he said.

 

'Thirty-five years old and you both still believe in genies?'

 

;D ;D ;D

[John Hjorth]

I read some WFC bashing a few days ago:

 

Wells Fargo in the news again for acting improper.  This is getting pretty ridiculous---no way a sane person would do business with these guys. 

 

This is like dating the good looking girl who has temperamental issues but saying the sex is worth it.

 

It is worth it.

 

Not if you get an STD and that's what this specific lady has lol

 

It's not nice to talk this way about a Lady, especially not when the Lady is of a certain age. Please remember, this Lady was born in 1852.

 

To me, WFC is actually very shareholder friendly. Not many companies provide you with the feature of getting your name included in the company name instantly, when you buy the stock. [Ref. "& Co."]. The same when you sell the stock - You get excluded from the name of the company instantly.

 

- - - o 0 o - - -

 

Perhaps this could be an idea for a shareholder proposal at the next AGM in BH: Name change from "Biglari Holdings" to "Biglari & Co. Holdings". I think it would be fun to read about Mr. Biglari's reaction to that at the AGM on here.

[LC]

Once there lived a beautiful Queen with incredibly large breasts.

 

Nick the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try.

 

One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague,Horatio the Physician, the King's chief doctor.Horatio thought about this, and said that he could arrange for Nick to more than satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it.

 

Without pause Nick readily agreed to the scheme.

 

The next day, Horatio made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's bra while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense.

 

Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick would work as the antidote to cure the itch.

 

The King, eager to help his Queen, quickly summoned Nick to their chambers.

 

Horatio then slipped Nick the antidote for the itching powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's large and magnificent breasts. The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick left satisfied and hailed as a hero.

 

Upon returning to his chamber, Nick found Horatio demanding his payment of 1000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick couldn't have cared less knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the King and with a laugh told him to get lost.

 

The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's underwear. The King immediately summoned Nick.

 

The moral of the story - Pay your bills !!

 

 

[boilermaker75]

A husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf. Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.

 

The husband cringed, 'I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us.'

 

So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, 'Come on in.'

 

When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the pieces of window glass.

 

A man reclining on the couch asked, 'Are you the people that broke my window?'

 

'Uh...yeah! , sir. We're sure sorry about that,' the husband replied.

 

'Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you.. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for my self.'

 

Wow, that's great!' the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, 'I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life.'

 

'No problem,' said the genie 'You've got it, it's the least I can do.. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!'

 

'And now you, young lady, what do you want?' the genie asked.

 

'I'd like to own a gorgeous home in every country in the world complete with servants,' she said.

 

'Consider it done,' the genie said. 'And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!'

 

'And now,' the couple asked in unison, 'what's your wish, genie?'

 

'Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife.'

 

The husband looked at his wife and said, 'Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?'

 

She mulled it over for a few moments and said, 'You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?'

 

You know I love you sweetheart,' said the husband. I'd do the same for you!'

 

So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other.

 

The genie was insatiable. After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, How old are you and your husband?'

 

'Why, we're both 35,' she responded breathlessly.

 

'No Kidding,' he said.

 

'Thirty-five years old and you both still believe in genies?'

 

Your genie joke tops my genie joke; good one!

[LC]

I take no credit, I am a shameless thief :D

[boilermaker75]

I take no credit, I am a shameless thief :D

 

Ditto for me!

[writser]

A German gets pulled over by the police in France.

Police officer: “Name?”

German: “Gunther Heinrichs.”

Police officer: “Age?”

German: “35.”

Police officer: “Occupation?”

German: “No, no, just visiting.”

[John Hjorth]

A German gets pulled over by the police in France.

Police officer: “Name?”

German: “Gunther Heinrichs.”

Police officer: “Age?”

German: “35.”

Police officer: “Occupation?”

German: “No, no, just visiting.”

 

You cracked me up, writser! [Please remember, I'm a Dane. [i'm actually concieved in Germany.]]

 

- - - o 0 o - - -

 

Here is a tweet by Andreas Steno Larsen of today. He's a senior global FX/FI strategist at Nordea Markets. Today he has obviously developed a pet theory based on technical analysis, that there is an important support-level just south of Naples.

[John Hjorth]

Somehow, the discussion in the BAC topic recently made me google "Bank Investing 101" today. I came up with this: The Motley Fool: John A. Howard [February 23^rd 2007: Bank Investing 101 - Tips for the novice bank investor.

 

I admit, that the section headline in the article a bit down : "Earnings growth: your "get out of jail free" card" caught my attention.

 

- - - o 0 o - - -

 

Then, a bit later today, I found a much more efficient explanation, that will explain it all - only by the use of a fraction of your time: The gif in this tweet.

 

In short:

 

1. You buy,

2. You find out, that you've got it [perhaps totally] wrong [i sure hope not],

3. Then you start sliding, like on black ice, desperately fighting to keep your legs beneath you,

4. Finally, and eventually, your legs disappear beneath you, and you end up sitting on your genitales. The sliding just continues downhill, and the only thing you end up thinking about is how rough is the terrain your're entering on your downhill slide.

 

- - - o 0 o - - -

 

gifs don't contain sound, but just think of it like "Ouch - ouch - ouch!".

 

- - - o 0 o - - -

 

The face expression of this poor dog in the end of the gif is like mine just after the surprise directed capital raise in SAN in the autumn 2014, diluting a lot of investors, who did not get the opportunity to participate.

[rkbabang]

I picked up a hitchhiker the other day and he was surprised that anyone would pick him up at all. 

He asked "Why did you pick me up? How did you know I wasn't a serial killer?"

I told him because the chances that two serial killers would be in the same car are astronomical.

 

[Jurgis]

I nearly invested in this Egyptian tourism business, but then I realized it was just a pyramid scheme.

[DooDiligence]

I nearly invested in this Egyptian tourism business, but then I realized it was just a pyramid scheme.

 

http://uglymule.com/images/CamelRider.jpg

 

I bought the Giza pyramids back in 1998 & here's me & my agent getting ready to go to the closing.

He was much better as a sales agent than he is as a property manager.

I still haven't received any rent checks & think I've got squatters.

 

BTW, nice mullet, huh?

[Jurgis]

I bought the Giza pyramids back in 1998 & here's me & my agent getting ready to go to the closing.

He was much better as a sales agent than he is as a property manager.

I still haven't received any rent checks & think I've got squatters.

 

I hate to tell this to you, but I think your renters are dead. Maybe even mummified.

[randomep]

Life is when you get a call from a former colleague, who wants help to get Outlook up running on a gmail account on her private computer - to absolutely no avail, and afterwards, you ask:

 

Me: "Hey, [obviously] I coulden't help you here ... - but perhaps you can help me?!"

 

She:  "What's your problem?"

 

Me: "You know, I operate daily, based on two laptops, with two wireless mice and and one wireless keyboard connected to each laptop. To each laptop I have a Logitech M570 mouse connected - since about two years. Those mice have become harder and harder to use. How do I rinse them?"

 

She: "-Just pop out the balls from beneath, rinse, and pop the balls back in again!"

 

Me: "Thanks!" - <While at the same time wondering about the articles from The Economist worrying about world wide fertility decline>.

 

 

With everything done with lasers now the younger generations will never know what it is like to need to clean the lint off of mouse balls in order to continue working.

 

Honestly I don't get it...... :)

 

BTW I still use one with a ball..... it works better

[LC]

A husband, wife, and their nine children are waiting at a bus stop. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.

 

So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "You know if you put a piece of rubber on the end of your stick I wouldn't have to listen to that tapping." The blind man replies, "If you would've put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the damn bus."