I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.

[DynamicPerception]

Children Writing About the Ocean...

 

1) - This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles.

      (Kelly, age 6)

 

2) - Oysters' balls are called pearls. (Jerry, age 6)

 

3) - If you are surrounded by ocean, you are an island. If you don't

      have ocean all round you, you are incontinent. (age 8)

 

4) - Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily

      Richardson. She's not my  friend any more. (Kyie, age 6)

 

5) - A dolphin  breaths through an asshole on the top of its head.

      (Billy, age 8)

 

6) - My uncle goes out in his boat with 2 other men, a woman and pots

      and comes back with crabs. (Millie, age 6)

 

7) - When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the

      ocean. Sometimes when the wind didn't blow the sailors would whistle to

      make the wind come. My brother said they would have been better off

      eating beans. (William, age 7)

 

8) - Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give

      you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think

      they have to plug themselves into chargers. (Christopher, age 7)

 

9) - On vacation my Mom went water skiing. She fell off when she was going

      very fast. She says she won't do it again because water fired right

      up her big fat ass.. (Julie, age 7)

 

10) - My dad was a sailor on the ocean and knows all about the ocean.

      What he doesn't know is why he quit being a sailor and married my mom.

      (James, age 7)

[boilermaker75]

A Blonde enters a store that sells curtains. She tells the salesman, "I would like to buy a pair of pink curtains."

 

The salesman assures her that they have a large selection of pink curtains.  He shows her several patterns, but the blonde seems to be having a hard time choosing. Finally she selects a lovely pink floral print. 

 

The salesman then asks what size curtains she needs. The blonde promptly replies, "fifteen inches."

 

"Fifteen inches???" asked the salesman. "That sounds very small, what room are they for?"

 

The blonde tells him that they aren't for a room, they are for her computer monitor.

 

The surprised salesman replies, "But Miss, computers do not need curtains!"

 

The blonde says, "Hellllooooooooo. I've got Windoooooows!"

[DynamicPerception]

IT CAN BE HARD KEEPING A STRAIGHT FACE AS A COURT REPORTER

 

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things

people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published

by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges

were actually taking place.

1)

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?

WITNESS: He said , 'Where am I, Cathy?'

ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?

WITNESS: My name is Susan!

__________________________________________________________________________

 

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

__________________________________________________________________________

 

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?

WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

__________________________________________________________________________

 

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

WITNESS: I forget.

ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

__________________________________________________________________________

 

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?

WITNESS: We both do.

ATTORNEY: Voodoo?

WITNESS: We do..

ATTORNEY: You do?

WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.

__________________________________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep,

          he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

__________________________________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?

WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.

__________________________________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?

WITNESS: Are you shitting me?

__________________________________________________________________________

 

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?

WITNESS: Getting laid

__________________________________________________________________________

 

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: How many were boys?

WITNESS: None.

ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney.

          Can I get a new attorney?

__________________________________________________________________________

 

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?

WITNESS: By death..

ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

WITNESS: Take a guess.

__________________________________________________________________________

 

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?

WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard

ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.

__________________________________________________________________________

 

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition

          notice which I sent to your attorney?

WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

__________________________________________________________________________

 

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead

          people?

WITNESS: All of them ... The live ones put up too much of a fight.

__________________________________________________________________________

 

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?

WITNESS: Oral ...

_________________________________________

 

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM

ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.

____________________________________________

 

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?

______________________________________

 

And last:

 

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began

          the autopsy?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

[boilermaker75]

A father put his three year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which she ended by saying: "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and good-bye Grandpa." The father asked, "Why did you say good-bye grandpa?" The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."

 

The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence. A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers, which went like this: "God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and good-bye Grandma."

 

The next day the grandmother died. Oh my gosh thought the father, this kid is in contact with the other side. Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say: "God bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy." He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch sent in and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound.

 

Finally midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went home. When he got home his wife said "I've never seen you work so late, what's the matter?" He said "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life."

 

She said "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning my golf pro dropped dead in the middle of my lesson!"

 

[DynamicPerception]

I usually don't get too concerned about things that have

  been sent to me via mass mailing but I'm sending this one

  to everyone because I think this is important enough to

  let you know that this site exists.

 

  YOU WILL PROBABLY FORWARD TO YOUR FRIENDS FOR THEIR INFO...

 

  Topic: Driver Licence Information

 

  A lot of people are very concerned about this! Especially

  the accuracy of information.

 

  Did you know that you can see anyone's drivers license

  using the internet, including your own?

  It's an American based site, but it also links into Canada.

 

  I just searched for my licence, and there it was, picture

  and all.

 

  Where it asks what state - put your city and province.

  Make sure you leave a space after your city.

  This was something I didn't know you could do. I'm not sure

  I like this info out there for anyone to access.

 

  What happened to the "THE PRIVACY ACT"?

 

  Check it out http://www.license.shorturl.com/

[boilermaker75]

The Banana Test

 

There is a very, very tall coconut tree and there are 4 animals, a Lion, a Chimpanzee, a Giraffe, and a Squirrel, who are standing under it. They decide to compete to see who is the fastest to get a banana off the tree.

 

Who do you guess will win?

 

Your answer will reflect your intelligence.

 

So think carefully .. . . Try and answer within 30 seconds

 

Got your answer?

 

Now scroll down to see the analysis.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

If your answer is:

 

 

Lion = you're dull.

 

 

Chimpanzee = you're a moron.

 

 

Giraffe = you're a complete idiot.

 

 

Squirrel = you're just hopelessly stupid.

 

 

A COCONUT TREE DOESN'T HAVE BANANAS.

 

Obviously you're stressed and overworked.  You should take some time off and relax!  Try again next year.

 

[DynamicPerception]

Duties of Wives

 

Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given

their new wives duties.

 

Terry had married a woman from Greece.

He bragged that he had told his wife she needed to do all the

dishes and housework. He said that it took a couple days but on

the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were

all washed and put away.

 

Jimmie had married a woman from Italy.

He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do

all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking. He told them that the

first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was

better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were

done, and he had a huge dinner on the table.

 

The third man had married a Australian girl.

He boasted that he told her that her duties were to keep the

house cleaned, dishes washed, laundry and ironing twice a week,

lawns mowed, windows cleaned and hot meals on the table for

every meal.

He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he

didn't see anything, but by the third day most of the swelling

had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye,

just enough to fix himself a bite to eat, load the dishwasher,

and call a handyman.

[boilermaker75]

Why some men have dogs instead of wives

 

1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.

 

2. Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs.

 

3. If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don't hate it.

 

4. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.

 

5. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.

 

6. A dog's parents never visit.

 

7. Dogs do not hate their bodies.

 

8. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.

 

9. Dogs like to do their snooping outside rather than in your wallet or desk.

 

10. Dogs seldom outlive you.

 

11. Dogs can't talk.

 

12. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a day.

 

13. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.

 

14. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.

 

15. Another man will seldom steal your dog.

 

16. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died, would you get another dog?"

 

17. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.

 

18. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.

 

19. A dog won't hold out on you to get a new car.

 

20. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad...they just think it's interesting.

 

21. On a car trip, your dog never insists on running the heater.

 

22. Dogs don't let magazine articles guide their lives.

 

23. When your dog gets old, you can have it put to sleep.

 

24. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pick-up truck.

 

25. Dogs are not allowed in Bloomingdale's or Neiman-Marcus.

 

And, last but not least:

 

26. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff

 

[Partner24]

boilermaker, another terrific joke! You're very funny. I laughed so much. Thank you very much and please, keep posting!  ;D

[DynamicPerception]

 

  The importance of having your email addresses correct!

 

  It seems there was this couple from Toronto who decided to get away to

  Florida for a few days.  Since both spouses worked, they had difficulty

  coordinating their schedules, so the decision was made that the husband

  leave for Florida on a certain day, with the wife following him one day

  later.

 

  When the man made arrived at his hotel room in Florida, he opened his laptop

  and sent his wife back in Toronto an email. However, he left off one letter

  in typing his wife's email address and sent the email off without realizing

  his error.

 

  In another part of the country, a widow had just returned from the funeral

  of her husband, a Lutheran pastor of many years who had been called to glory

  just a few days earlier. She decided to check her email because she was

  expecting to hear from her husband's relatives and friends.

 

  Upon reading the first email, she let out a loud scream, fainted and fell to

  the floor. The woman's son rushed into the room and found his mother on the

  floor. He glanced up at the computer screen and saw the following email

  message:

 

  To My Loving Wife:

  I've just been checked in.  Everything has been prepared for your arrival

  here tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then.  Your Devoted Husband.

 

  p.s. Sure is hot down here!

[boilermaker75]

boilermaker, another terrific joke! You're very funny. I laughed so much. Thank you very much and please, keep posting!  ;D

 

Partner24,

 

I am glad you have enjoyed the jokes I have posted. I'm not really funny. I am just passing on jokes I have heard. If you heard me tell them you probably wouldn't laugh!

 

Boiler

[boilermaker75]

An Irishman an Englishman and a Scotsman were sitting in a bar in Sydney. The view was fantastic, the beer excellent, the food exceptional.

 

"But" said the Scotsman. "I still prefer the pubs back home. Why in Glasgow there's a little bar called McTavish's. Now the landlord there goes out of his way for the locals so much that when you buy 4 drinks he will buy the 5th drink for you."

 

"Well." said the Englishman "At my local, the Red Lion, the barman there will buy you your 3rd drink after you buy the first 2."

 

"Ahhh that's nothin'" said the Irishman "Back home in Dublin there's Ryan's Bar. Now the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then when you've had enough drinks they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid. All on the house."

 

The Englishman and Scotsman immediately pour scorn on the Irishman's claims.

 

He swears every word is true.

 

"Well" said the Englishman "Did this actually happen to you."

 

"Not myself personally no" said the Irishman "But it did happen to my sister."

 

[DynamicPerception]

      Wonderful English From Around The World

 

  In a Bangkok temple:

  IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN, EVEN A FOREIGNER, IF DRESSED AS A MAN.

 

  Cocktail lounge, Norway:

  LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.

 

  Doctors office, Rome:

  SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.

 

  Dry cleaners, Bangkok:

  DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR THE BEST RESULTS.

 

  In a Nairobi restaurant:

  CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER.

 

  On the main road to Mombassa, leaving Nairobi:

  TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE.

 

  On a poster at Kencom:

  ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO WE CAN HELP.

 

  In a city restaurant:

  OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK AND WEEKENDS.

 

  In a cemetery:

  PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES.

 

  Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations:

  GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS IN BED.

 

  On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:

  OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR.

 

  In a Tokyo bar:

  SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS.

 

  Hotel, Yugoslavia:

  THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE IS THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID.

 

  Hotel, Japan:

  YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID.

 

  In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery:

  YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET COMPOSERS,

  ARTISTS AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY EXCEPT THURSDAY.

 

  A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest:

  IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE THAT PEOPLE OF

  DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE TENT UNLESS

  THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE.

 

  Hotel, Zurich:

  BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IN THE

  BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE.

 

  Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand:

  WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?

 

  Airline ticket office, Copenhagen:

  WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS.

 

  A laundry in Rome:

  LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME.

[rkbabang]

A student, a priest and a politician are on a charter plane. Suddenly the pilot rushes out of the cockpit, puts on a parachute, yells "save yourselves" and jumps out of the plane.  The student looks and tells the others that there are only two parachutes left.  One of them will have to stay on the plane.

 

"I should go." says the politician. "I am the smartest man in the world! The world needs me." Before the others can react, he puts a pack on his back and jumps out of the plane.

 

The priest looking deeply sad tells the student "You are just a boy. You have your entire life ahead of you. I'm an old man who has done what I've been put on Earth to do.  You can take the last parachute and save yourself..."

 

The student interrupts him holding up two parachutes and says "But Father we can both live"

 

The priest looked confused and said "It's a miracle! It's like the loaves and the fishes! God must still have plans for the both of us!"

 

The student replied, "No, No, Father.  It isn't that at all. The smartest man in the world just jumped out of the plane wearing my backpack!"

 

[boilermaker75]

"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.  "So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked. 

 

"No," she replied, " but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally."

[boilermaker75]

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.  An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.

 

As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"

 

"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."

 

[petec]

What did Pavlov say when he heard the bell ring?

 

Damn!  I forgot to feed the dogs!

 

;)

[rkbabang]

I remember sitting in psychology class learning about Pavlov thinking ‘those stupid dogs’, and then the bell rang and we all went to lunch.

 

[boilermaker75]

How to install a redneck home security system:

 

1. Go to a second-hand store and buy a pair of men's used size 14-16 work boots.

 

2. Place them on your front porch, along with several empty beer cans, a copy of Guns & Ammo magazine and several NRA magazines.

 

3. Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazines.

 

4. Leave a note on your door that reads: 'Hey Bubba, Big Jim, Duke and Slim, We went to the gun shop for more ammunition. Back in an hour. Don't mess with the pit bulls -- they attacked the mailman this morning and messed him up real bad.I don't think Killer took part in it but it was hard to tell from all the blood. PS - I locked all four of 'em in the house. Better wait outside.'

 

5. INSTALLATION COMPLETE!

 

[doughishere]

#PokemonGO has done more to combat childhood obesity in 24 hours than Michelle Obama has in the past eight years.

 

 

No politics. It's just a joke. I'm just giving the First Lady a hard time. Haha

[rkbabang]

After my prostate exam the doctor left the room and the nurse came in.  As she shut the door she whispered the three words no man wants to hear in this situation.

 

"Who was that?"

 

[boilermaker75]

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. The man always had trouble getting up to his alarm and depended on his wife to get him up. Suddenly, herealized that the next day he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.

 

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM."  He left it where he knew she would find it. 

 

The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight.

 

Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."

 

[fareastwarriors]

#PokemonGO has done more to combat childhood obesity in 24 hours than Michelle Obama has in the past eight years.

 

 

No politics. It's just a joke. I'm just giving the First Lady a hard time. Haha

 

haha boom roasted

[boilermaker75]

Joe was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.

 

When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with which to share his fortune.

 

One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.

 

Her natural beauty took his breath away. He went up to her and said "I may look like just an ordinary man," he said to her, but in just a few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit $200 million."

 

Impressed, the woman obtained his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother.

 

Women are so much better at financial planning than men.

 

[DynamicPerception]

For you golfers:

 

  Golf As I Know It, The Truly Useful Golf Book.

 

  Chapter 1    How to Properly Line Up Your Fourth Putt

  Chapter 2    How to Hit a Nike from the Rough When You Hit a Titleist

              from the Tee

  Chapter 3    How to Avoid the Water When You Lie 8 in a Bunker

  Chapter 4    How to Get More Distance Off the Shank

  Chapter 5    When to Give the Ranger the Finger

  Chapter 6    Using Your Shadow on the Greens to Maximize Earnings

  Chapter 7    Crying and How to Handle it

  Chapter 8    Proper Excuses for Drinking Beers Before 10am

  Chapter 9    How to Rationalize a 6 Hour Round

  Chapter 10  How to Find That Ball That Everyone Else Saw Go in the Water

  Chapter 11  Why Your Spouse Doesn't Care That You Birdied the 5th

  Chapter 12  How to Let a Foursome Play Through Your Twosome

  Chapter 13  How to Relax When You Are Hitting Three Off the Tee

  Chapter 14  When to Suggest Major Swing Corrections to Your Opponent

  Chapter 15  God and the Meaning of the Birdie-to-Bogey Three Putt

  Appendix    When to Regrip Your Ball Retriever