Dumb Sears jokes, Troll posts, Mustache references and other crap

[adesigar]

Thread for Dumb Sears jokes, Troll posts, Mustache references and other crap to keep it off the main thread.

[Liberty]

Even the SHLD thread has spin-offs  :P

[oddballstocks]

And like Sears this spin-off will probably be more successful and generate more wealth than the other one..

[LC]

More business (serious and funny) goes on in these sears threads than in the stores. i'll see myself out.

[Vish_ram]

here are a few options

 

1) treatment center for Autophobia (fear of being alone)

2) make shift kids soccer playground

3) Halloween haunted house (to capitalize on being desolate )

4) Build prisons as this segment is growing

5) Retail museum to sell cool '60s retro stuff. This also boosts revenue

......

[rkbabang]

Did you hear the one about the Troll with the mustache who shopped at Sears?

 

 

Just kidding, there's no such joke. No one shops at Sears.

 

[Uccmal]

Sears Stores repurposed as Nursing homes:

 

Complete with that nostalgic feeling. 

 

 

[Kraven]

ATLANTA, Oct. 22, 2014 (GLOBE NEWSWIRE) -- Premier Exhibitions (PRXI), a leading presenter of museum-quality touring and permanent exhibitions, announced today it has added a new concept to its exhibition portfolio. In partnership with Sears (SHLD), a premier department store company, Premier Exhibitions has developed a new exhibition based on department store museums.

 

The exhibition offers visitors an unprecedented opportunity to experience what shopping was like in the department stores of yesteryear. The exhibition is unique in that unlike Premier's other exhibitions which tour the country or are resident in a specific location, the Sears exhibition will open immediately in thousands of Sears stores across the country.  Premier is working with Sears Canada on a similar show in those stores.

 

Premier's chairman said, "We are truly excited about this Sears exhibit.  It will accomplish two goals at once.  From our perspective it will require no capital expenditures as we found that the existing Sears stores are perfect just as they are for a department store museum exhibit.  From a customer standpoint, it will enable this generation to have an almost Norman Rockwell sense of what it felt like to shop in a department store in the old days."

[cemadh]

Sears Holdings (ticker symbol SHLD) is being reorganized into a new entity called Tears Holdings (ticker symbol THLD).

 

Chairman Eddie Lampert was quoted as saying that the new entity will be able to "flow freely" now. "No holding back the tears" he said.

 

Wait - THLD is already taken - so is TEAR). Boo Hoo!

[rpadebet]

They were auctioning Eddie's master plan for Sears on ebay....

....highest bidder surprised to find that auctioning off the master plan was the master plan

[rkbabang]

Sears Holdings (ticker symbol SHLD) is being reorganized into a new entity called Tears Holdings (ticker symbol THLD).

 

Chairman Eddie Lampert was quoted as saying that the new entity will be able to "flow freely" now. "No holding back the tears" he said.

 

Wait - THLD is already taken - so is TEAR). Boo Hoo!

 

FCKD is available.

[cobafdek]

ATLANTA, Oct. 22, 2014 (GLOBE NEWSWIRE) -- Premier Exhibitions (PRXI), a leading presenter of museum-quality touring and permanent exhibitions, announced today it has added a new concept to its exhibition portfolio. In partnership with Sears (SHLD), a premier department store company, Premier Exhibitions has developed a new exhibition based on department store museums.

 

The exhibition offers visitors an unprecedented opportunity to experience what shopping was like in the department stores of yesteryear. The exhibition is unique in that unlike Premier's other exhibitions which tour the country or are resident in a specific location, the Sears exhibition will open immediately in thousands of Sears stores across the country.  Premier is working with Sears Canada on a similar show in those stores.

 

Premier's chairman said, "We are truly excited about this Sears exhibit.  It will accomplish two goals at once.  From our perspective it will require no capital expenditures as we found that the existing Sears stores are perfect just as they are for a department store museum exhibit.  From a customer standpoint, it will enable this generation to have an almost Norman Rockwell sense of what it felt like to shop in a department store in the old days."

 

A masterpiece!  The Onion (financial edition) may be hiring.  I'm tempted to link this over to the main SHLD thread, where it might pass for real.

[Luke 532]

Did you hear the one about the Troll with the mustache who shopped at Sears?

 

Just kidding, there's no such joke. No one shops at Sears.

 

Nicely done. :)

[rukawa]

I understand the desire to get this off the main thread but I actually think you guys were doing a service to Sears investors. Oh well.

[BTShine]

The new Restoration Hardware catalog came out and they're getting on the fake moustache trend! 

 

http://www.restorationhardware.com/catalog/product/product.jsp?productId=prod2690586

 

"When the mission calls for stealth, be ready with this mix-and-match wardrobe of moustaches and eyebrows. Easy to apply. Convincingly fuzzy."

[stevevri]

The new Restoration Hardware catalog came out and they're getting on the fake moustache trend! 

 

http://www.restorationhardware.com/catalog/product/product.jsp?productId=prod2690586

 

"When the mission calls for stealth, be ready with this mix-and-match wardrobe of moustaches and eyebrows. Easy to apply. Convincingly fuzzy."

 

Now we really know why Sears invested in RH, and tried to buy it.

[Luke 532]

Here's my joke for the thread...

 

Q: How do you get a $1,000,000 account in less than 2 weeks on Wall Street?

A: You start with $2,000,000 and short SHLD at $24.63 (Oct 10th) and cover at $36.75 (Oct 23rd).

[Liberty]

Here's my joke for the thread...

 

Q: How do you get a $1,000,000 account in less than 2 weeks on Wall Street?

A: You start with $2,000,000 and short SHLD at $24.63 (Oct 10th) and cover at $36.75 (Oct 23rd).

 

Q: How do you make Sears stock returns from the past 10 years look good?

A: You cherry-pick dates!

 

;)

[opihiman2]

This thread:

 

 

I'm sure you guys have all read similar comments before about Sears.  There are a few gems in there, though. 

 

Q: "How the hell has Sears held out this long? What do they offer that even compares to their competitors??"

 

A: "A familiar environment for old people."

    "People who want to step into a 1970s timewarp maybe?"

 

Q: "My kids : 'Whats a Sears?'"

 

A: "Its like Blockbuster."

 

"Sears is what would happen if the DMV tried to open a retail store - this comes as a surprise to no one."

 

retort:

 

"It's more like what would happen if Ayn Rand took over a 120-year-old retail chain and tried to make it more "rational" and "efficient"."

 

I know there are some Ayn Rand fans on here.  But, I found this John Rogers quote on that thread hilarious:

 

"There are two novels that can change a bookish fourteen-year old's life: The Lord of the Rings and Atlas Shrugged. One is a childish fantasy that often engenders a lifelong obsession with its unbelievable heroes, leading to an emotionally stunted, socially crippled adulthood, unable to deal with the real world. The other, of course, involves orcs."

 

 

[rkbabang]

Hey, I loved Tolkien and Rand as a teenager. I also think I remember going into a Sears store with my parents once back then when people did that sort of thing.

 

[rkbabang]

This belongs here: 

[Kraven]

This belongs here: 

 

That clip was totally unrealistic.  I mean it showed shoppers at the Sears.  No way that happens in real life. 

[CorpRaider]

 

"There are two novels that can change a bookish fourteen-year old's life: The Lord of the Rings and Atlas Shrugged. One is a childish fantasy that often engenders a lifelong obsession with its unbelievable heroes, leading to an emotionally stunted, socially crippled adulthood, unable to deal with the real world. The other, of course, involves orcs."

 

Hillarious!

[rkbabang]

This belongs here: 

 

That clip was totally unrealistic.  I mean it showed shoppers at the Sears.  No way that happens in real life. 

 

Believe it or not, Sears is still an actual company.  They have locations and employees (and presumably) some customers.  I just don't know what they are going to do when their customer base (over 70, no internet access, still has a rotary dial land line phone with a 25 ft cord and answering machine with a tape as the only way to get in touch with them, and sometimes uses their phones to order from catalogs) dies off?  You've seen these people. They are the women with white hair that are always in the grocery store line in front of you trying to pay with a check then take 25 minutes to back out of their parking space in the parking lot.

 

They own K-Mart too, but I think it has been about 10-12 years since I've seen an actual K-Mart store, so I'm not sure if those still exist.

 

[Mephistopheles]

This belongs here: 

 

That clip was totally unrealistic.  I mean it showed shoppers at the Sears.  No way that happens in real life. 

 

Believe it or not, Sears is still an actual company.  They have locations and employees (and presumably) some customers.  I just don't know what they are going to do when their customer base (over 70, no internet access, still has a rotary dial land line phone with a 25 ft cord and answering machine with a tape as the only way to get in touch with them, and sometimes uses their phones to order from catalogs) dies off?  You've seen these people. They are the women with white hair that are always in the grocery store line in front of you trying to pay with a check then take 25 minutes to back out of their parking space in the parking lot.

 

They own K-Mart too, but I think it has been about 10-12 years since I've seen an actual K-Mart store, so I'm not sure if those still exist.

 

 

They do exist, about 1200 of them. They're closing down but IMO it can't happen fast enough.