DynamicPerception

It was late July in Savannah, Georgia when I ran into Bill on an early Monday morning and even at this time of day it was very hot and humid. It was a little too dark to be wearing sunglasses this early so I asked him why he was wearing them? He took them off to show me his face. He looked like a racoon with two black eyes. I asked him "What happened?" Bill explained. He had attended the mid-afternnon service yesterday at his church. The ladies were all wearng their summer dresses and the men were dressed with summer suits. As they were kneeling in prayer Bill noticed the lady in front of him fussing with her dress which was sticking to her buttocks so being the gentleman that he was he reached forward and tugged on her dress pulling it free. The deeply offended young lady turned quickly and punched him in the eye. Well Bill, I said, that explains one black eye but you got two. He continued explaining that as the sermon went on it got very muggy, much worse than it was before. He realized that he had wronged the young lady. He waited for the next prayer when they were all kneeling once again. She was still fretting with her dress so he reached over and tucked her dress back in. Hence the second black eye.

An old Doberman starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a panther heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch. The old Doberman thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep shit now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the panther is about to leap, the old Doberman exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious panther! I wonder, if there are any more around here?" Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!," says the panther, "That was close! That old Doberman nearly had me!" Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the panther. So, off he goes. The squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the panther. The young panther is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!" Now, the old Doberman sees the panther coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?," but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old Doberman says ....... "Where's that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another panther!" Moral of this story, Don't mess with the old dogs!

CHINESE SAYINGS (and what they REALLY mean) That's not right ........................... Sum Ting Wong Are you harboring a fugitive? .............. Hu Yu Hai Ding? See me ASAP ................................ Kum Hia Nao Stupid Man ................................. Dum Gai Small Horse ................................ Tai Ni Po Ni Did you go to the beach? ................... Wai Yu So Tan? I bumped into a coffee table ............... Ai Bang Mai Ni I think you need a face lift ............... Chin Tu Fat It's very dark in here ..................... Wai So Dim? I thought you were on a diet ............... Wai Yu Mun Ching? This is a tow away zone .................... No Pah King Do you know the lyrics to the Macarena? .... Wai Yu Sing Dum Song? You are not very bright .................... Yu So Dum I got this for free ........................ Ai No Pei Please stay a while longer ................. Wai Go Nao? Our meeting was scheduled for next week .... Wai Yu Kum Nao? They have arrived .......................... Hia Dei Kum Stay out of sight .......................... Lei Lo He's cleaning his automobile ............... Wao Shing Ka Your body odor is offensive ................ Yu Stin Ki Pu

I just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know.

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Kentucky back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play. The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man. and as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full. As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years." Apparently I'm still lost....

IT CAN BE HARD KEEPING A STRAIGHT FACE AS A COURT REPORTER These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place. ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning? WITNESS: He said , 'Where am I, Cathy?' ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you? WITNESS: My name is Susan!ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active? WITNESS: No, I just lie there. ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory? WITNESS: I forget. ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot? ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning? WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam? ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he? WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ. ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken? WITNESS: Are you shitting me? ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time? WITNESS: Getting laid ATTORNEY: She had three children, right? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: How many were boys? WITNESS: None. ATTORNEY: Were there any girls? WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney? ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated? WITNESS: By death.. ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated? WITNESS: Take a guess. ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual? WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard. ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female? WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male. ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work. ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people? WITNESS: All of them ... The live ones put up too much of a fight. ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to? WITNESS: Oral ... ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time? WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished. ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample? WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question? And last: ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor? WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

Two obnoxious businessmen in a new shopping mall were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new shop. As yet, the shop wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up. One said to the other, "I bet any minute now some senior pensioner is going to walk by, put their face to the window, and ask what we're selling." No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious old woman walked to the window, had a peek, and in a soft voice asked, "What are you selling here?" One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling ass-holes." Without skipping a beat, the old dear said, "Must be doing well, only two left."

The bartender says "We don't serve time travellers in here." A guy walks into a bar.

In TD I received $12.1800 In RBC I received $12.2670 I simply divided the dividend by the numbers of shares. Both $CDN accounts. Also TD shows a Settlement date of 2018Jan25 and RBC shows a Settlement date of 2018Jan26.

http://www.fairfax.ca/news/press-releases/press-release-details/2017/Fairfax-Announces-Successful-Completion-of-Sale-of-First-Capital/default.aspx

frank87 That made me smile. Thanks

Last year: TORONTO, ONTARIO--(Marketwired - Jan. 5, 2016) - Fairfax Financial Holdings Limited (TSX:FFH)(TSX:FFH.U) announces that it has declared a dividend of US$10.00 per share on its outstanding multiple voting and subordinate voting shares, payable on January 27, 2016 to shareholders of record on January 20, 2016.

Every Thursday we have a "Safety Meeting" after working a full day from 7:00am 'till 1:00pm. The other two attendees work(one owns the business) the other doesn't really have to work but likes riding around in the truck. I don't work but attend the meeting. I haven't heard one safety issue discussed at any meeting. The meeting lasts until we are out of beer of or someone's wife needs a hand carrying in the groceries. Once in awhile the whiskey comes out of the cupboard when the 'safety' issues turn political. Quite often we solve all of the worlds problems at these meetings.

A Manchester lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Glasgow copper. He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from MANCHESTER and is certain that he has a better education then any Jock cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Glasgow cops expense! Glasgow cop says, ' Licence and registration, please.' Manchester Lawyer says, 'What for?' Glasgow cop says, 'Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign.' Manchester Lawyer says, 'I slowed down, and no one was coming.' Glasgow cop says, 'Ye still didnae come to a complete stop. Licence and registration, please.' Manchester Lawyer says, 'What's the difference?' Glasgow cop says, 'The difference is, ye huvte come to complete stop, that's the law, Licence and registration, please!' Manchester Lawyer says, 'If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my licence and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket.' Glasgow cop says, 'Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir.' The Manchester Lawyer exits his vehicle. The Glasgow cop takes out his baton and starts beating the tar out of the lawyer and says 'Dae ye want me to stop, or just slow doon?'

Lots of problems with TDW. I've had to reset my password twice. I still have to (eye) before entering it and the last digit is always missing upon 1st keying it in. I have to re-enter it. I set up a 2nd Watchlist and it shows FRFHF as invalid. Its recognizes FAXFR as Fairfax Financial Holdings at $11.72. ???

It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope. At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures. At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful Blonde in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When he had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and freshly squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?" "Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you." He said, "Screw him, give him a dollar." The "Blonde" then said, "The breakfast was my idea."

A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir." The driver says, "Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar needs calibrating." Not looking up from her knitting the wife says sweetly from the passenger seat, "Now don't be silly, dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control." As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you keep your mouth shut for once?" The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did." As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Darn it, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?!" The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine." The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket." The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving." And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, "FOR THE LAST TIME WOMAN, WHY DON'T YOU SHUT UP?!" The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?" WAIT FOR IT............ WAIT FOR IT............ WAIT FOR IT............ " Oh, heavens no, officer. Only when he's been drinking."

Italian Secret to a Long Marriage At St. Peter's Roman Catholic Church in New York they have weekly husbands' Marriage Seminars. At the session last week, the priest asked Giuseppe, an Italian immigrant who had lived in New York for many years, and was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years. Giuseppe replied to the assembled husbands, 'Wella, I'va tried to treat her nicea, spenda DA money on her, but besta of all is, I tooka her to Italy for the 25th anniversary!' The priest responded, 'Giuseppe, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary?' Giuseppe proudly replied, " I gonna go pick her up."

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!" Miraculously, a parking place appeared. Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."

One of my personal favourites. These are actual form entries. Car Wreck Crack-Ups (22 Explanations) From time to time, some of us have had to describe, in a sentence or two on an insurance form, what caused a traffic mishap. Here's a list of one liners collected by a canadian company: 1) Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have. 2) The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intentions. 3) I thought my window was down, but found out it was up when I put my hand through it. 4) I collided with a stationary truck comming the other way. 5) A pedestrian hit me and went under my car. 6) The guy was all over the road; I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him. 7) I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment. 8) In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole. 9) I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had the accident. 10) I was on the way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident. 11) As I approached the intersection, a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid an accident. 12) To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian. 13) My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle. 14) An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my vehicle and vanished. 15) I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat, I found thar I had a fractured skull. 16) I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him. 17) The pedestrian had no idea which direction to run, so I ran over him. 18) I saw the slow-moving, sad faced old gentleman as he bounced off the hood of my car. 19) The indirect cause of this accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth. 20) I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some dirty cows. 21) The telephone pole was approaching and I was attempting to swerve out of its way, when it struck my front end. 22) I was unable to stop in time and my car crashed into the other vehicle. The driver and passengers then left immediately for vacation with injuries.

Great signs.....with humor Sign over a Gynecologist's Office: "Dr. Jones, at your cervix." In a Podiatrist's office: "Time wounds all heels." On a Septic Tank Truck: Yesterday's Meals on Wheels At an Optometrist's Office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place." On a Plumber's truck: "We repair what your husband fixed." On another Plumber's truck: "Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber." At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee : "Invite us to your next blowout." At a Towing company: "We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows." On an Electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts." In a Non-smoking Area: "If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action." On a Maternity Room door: "Push. Push. Push." At a Car Dealership: "The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment." Outside a Muffler Shop: "No appointment necessary. We hear you coming." In a Veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!" At the Electric Company "We would be delighted if you send in your payment. However, if you don't, you will be." In a Restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up." In the front yard of a Funeral Home: "Drive carefully. We'll wait." At a Propane Filling Station: "Thank heaven for little grills." And don't forget the sign at a CHICAGO RADIATOR SHOP: "Best place in town to take a leak." And the best one for last............ Sign on the back of another Septic Tank Truck: "Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises"

For you golfers: Golf As I Know It, The Truly Useful Golf Book. Chapter 1 How to Properly Line Up Your Fourth Putt Chapter 2 How to Hit a Nike from the Rough When You Hit a Titleist from the Tee Chapter 3 How to Avoid the Water When You Lie 8 in a Bunker Chapter 4 How to Get More Distance Off the Shank Chapter 5 When to Give the Ranger the Finger Chapter 6 Using Your Shadow on the Greens to Maximize Earnings Chapter 7 Crying and How to Handle it Chapter 8 Proper Excuses for Drinking Beers Before 10am Chapter 9 How to Rationalize a 6 Hour Round Chapter 10 How to Find That Ball That Everyone Else Saw Go in the Water Chapter 11 Why Your Spouse Doesn't Care That You Birdied the 5th Chapter 12 How to Let a Foursome Play Through Your Twosome Chapter 13 How to Relax When You Are Hitting Three Off the Tee Chapter 14 When to Suggest Major Swing Corrections to Your Opponent Chapter 15 God and the Meaning of the Birdie-to-Bogey Three Putt Appendix When to Regrip Your Ball Retriever

Wonderful English From Around The World In a Bangkok temple: IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN, EVEN A FOREIGNER, IF DRESSED AS A MAN. Cocktail lounge, Norway: LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR. Doctors office, Rome: SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES. Dry cleaners, Bangkok: DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR THE BEST RESULTS. In a Nairobi restaurant: CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER. On the main road to Mombassa, leaving Nairobi: TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE. On a poster at Kencom: ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO WE CAN HELP. In a city restaurant: OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK AND WEEKENDS. In a cemetery: PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES. Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations: GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS IN BED. On the menu of a Swiss restaurant: OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR. In a Tokyo bar: SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS. Hotel, Yugoslavia: THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE IS THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID. Hotel, Japan: YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID. In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery: YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET COMPOSERS, ARTISTS AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY EXCEPT THURSDAY. A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest: IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE THAT PEOPLE OF DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE TENT UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE. Hotel, Zurich: BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE. Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand: WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS? Airline ticket office, Copenhagen: WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS. A laundry in Rome: LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME.

The importance of having your email addresses correct! It seems there was this couple from Toronto who decided to get away to Florida for a few days. Since both spouses worked, they had difficulty coordinating their schedules, so the decision was made that the husband leave for Florida on a certain day, with the wife following him one day later. When the man made arrived at his hotel room in Florida, he opened his laptop and sent his wife back in Toronto an email. However, he left off one letter in typing his wife's email address and sent the email off without realizing his error. In another part of the country, a widow had just returned from the funeral of her husband, a Lutheran pastor of many years who had been called to glory just a few days earlier. She decided to check her email because she was expecting to hear from her husband's relatives and friends. Upon reading the first email, she let out a loud scream, fainted and fell to the floor. The woman's son rushed into the room and found his mother on the floor. He glanced up at the computer screen and saw the following email message: To My Loving Wife: I've just been checked in. Everything has been prepared for your arrival here tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then. Your Devoted Husband. p.s. Sure is hot down here!

Duties of Wives Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties. Terry had married a woman from Greece. He bragged that he had told his wife she needed to do all the dishes and housework. He said that it took a couple days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away. Jimmie had married a woman from Italy. He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking. He told them that the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done, and he had a huge dinner on the table. The third man had married a Australian girl. He boasted that he told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, laundry and ironing twice a week, lawns mowed, windows cleaned and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, just enough to fix himself a bite to eat, load the dishwasher, and call a handyman.